So you have had a great dinner date and the night is winding down. There is always that awkward time when you have to decide how to part ways and whether or not you want to see each other again. Some men (not all, and definitely not the ones we want to keep) take this opportunity to see if they can get you into bed. My take on this is one of two reasons:
1) They know they will not be seeing you again and they figure they will get what they can out of you (users and players)
2) They just paid for dinner and they think you owe them something.
I have a few things to say on this subject. Ladies, by the time you reach your 40’s you should have learned this lesson well. Never, ever give in to the man who wants sex when he first meets you. This rarely leads to anything good! You will probably never see him again, leaving you feeling used and upset with yourself. While he may be a master at making you feel special, you had better believe he is using this same tactic on just about every woman he meets. You are not special is he does this, but just one in a long list of women he has manipulated. If you are truly special to a man, he will respect you and never put you in this situation. He will wait until he knows you and knows he wants a future with you.
On my second point, a great dinner and a great date does not mean you need to take it further. This is a first date! Some men feel that if they treat women to dinner, then she owes them some kind of sexual favor in return. This could not be further from the truth! If a man takes you to dinner on a first date and pays for the date, it should be because he wants to have a nice evening spending time with you and getting to know you. Dinner is a perfect opportunity to sit across from each other and have a real conversation that will help you better evaluate the person you are on the date with. This is beneficial to both of you.
Since many men have provider instincts, they usually will pay – even if you offer to help (and if they do not, think twice about the type of man they are). Ladies, you owe them nothing and should not ever think you do! Men, if you think women owe you something for a date, keep reading (my blog) for what women really want when they first start dating someone. You should both be on this date for one reason only – to find your Mr. or Ms. Maybe. If your intentions align with your actions, then the date will be productive in meeting your reason for being there in the first place! The whole idea is to have a fun date while getting to know each other, and nothing more. There should not be any expectations other than this on a first date by either party. Sit back and enjoy your time getting to know each other. Savor the newness and the possibilities!
- Yourwellness Magazine Follows Up Online Dating Study (prweb.com)
- You’ll Spend $17,265 on Dating in Your Lifetime (mix1065fm.cbslocal.com)
- Sex on the First Date; Yay or Nay? (thewanderingangel.wordpress.com)
16 thoughts on “Dinner Does NOT Equal Sex!”
Thanks for the mention. Totally agree with this post, sex on the first date an utter no no. Anytime after that it’s up to the individuals. Loving your whole blog, definitely following you!
Thank you! I love your blog, also. Looking forward to more posts!
“Since many men have provider instincts, they usually will pay – even if you offer to help (and if they do not, think twice about the type of man they are).”?!
You’re trying to bait men to generate traffic, right? First of all, men generally pay based on social norms, not biological instincts.
Secondly, a man that agrees or even expects to split the bill is *not* somehow deficient. Personally I prefer to pay because if it’s been an enjoyable conversation paying feels like giving an appreciated gift. However I don’t put up much resistance if the woman insists on splitting the bill because I’m not an alpha male with the need to dominate and hey, 50% off is OK by me. I believe that a woman who expects a relationship where she is not subordinate and who has equal or greater ability to pay may sincerely want to split the bill. First date financials can set the tone the financial division on subsequent dates.
You will have to take that one up with Steve Harvey. He is a man and said that.
On your second point, you will need to read my next blog post, which is on this subject.
Are you saying that if a man pays, the woman is automatically subordinate? I disagree. Money is just one aspect of a relationship.
So gameshow host Steve Harvey gets the last word as a relationships expert?
A man who pays 100% isn’t automatically dominant, but a woman who pays 50% is signally that she is not subordinate. It’s not black and white. And yes, money is just one aspect.
Steve Harvey wrote a book on dating “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man”. It is a NYT bestseller. He also wrote another book that was an international bestseller. You may only know him from TV, but most TV people do a lot more than you see on TV. I do not think anyone has the last word on much of anything honestly. The blog is my opinion and is intended to help others based on my personal experience. You can agree or disagree.
I do not ever consider myself subordinate to any man, no matter how much money he makes or puts toward the relationship. I do not have to signal anything for it to be this way. I would not date a man who thought otherwise for longer than it took to figure that attitude out.
The post itself covers a subject that needs to be discussed, so THANK YOU! Mike’s input reveals his own point of view – one which I suspect is shared by many other men. My take is that a guy who expects the woman to pay half the bill should realize he is bucking tradition. The custom for a man to pay is imbedded in our culture. If he wishes things to be done differently than is customary he should simply announce his intentions before setting the date.
A woman’s position as subordinate to the man is not determined by who pays the dinner date bill. It is determined by attitude on both sides. If “he” or “she” feels the other’s attitude is not in keeping with how they want the relationship dynamic to work they should exercise their freedom to move on.
If a man pays the dinner bill and indicates he now wants payback in the form of sex then the woman should have the sense to say no. He has identified the type of guy he is. If he persists or seems to make a big deal out of it, then offer (if you are in a position to do so) to pay your own share. Or throw a $20 bill at him! Do whatever it takes to walk away feeling good about yourself.
Thank you for your comments! I tend to keep to traditional dating and relationship norms. It does not matter to me how independent I am. However, I AM independent, and do not need a man in my life – I want one! So my views are not based on needing a man to support me, but in a partner who treats me as an equal, but also treats me like a lady and still holds onto the traditional male roles.
The whole point here was that I, as most women, have encountered the rogue who expects sexual favors just because he paid for dinner. It is never acceptable to expect that, I do not care how much dinner cost!! For example, I went out with an entertainment attorney once who made reservations at a quite expensive place. As soon as I met him, I knew he had money just by the shoes he was wearing, which must have cost at least $500 by my estimate. Dinner was a pretty penny, and when we walked out of the restaurant, he almost attacked me and was quite persistent in his intentions. I did not ask for an expensive dinner, and he cannot pay for me with dinner. I am not for sale!! This is just one example of the many I have encountered over the years. Men of all income brackets have tried one method or another, but what they fail to realize is that they set themselves up to fail (with me, anyway). Since this is not a one time incident for me, and I suspect for many women, I decided to address it here. My blog will not be about sex itself because I feel that should be kept between individuals in a relationship after they are in a relationship. My blog will only cover the process and the trials and tribulations of actually finding someone in this crazy electronic, and sometimes disengaged, world.
I would say you are performing a needed service for the women who are not yet as self confident as you are. They need the experienced viewpoint from others who’ve already traveled down that road.
The men who believe they can buy sex in such a manner come in all categories and all ages. I am 66 and they are still around. But they cannot play that game with me either.
At the risk of getting a beat down, may I point out that a woman who (deservedly) expects equal pay for equal work is also “bucking tradition”? Some may feel that traditional roles are more appropriate in dating than in the workplace, but splitting a check is something more within your control. I’m not trying to be a troll and remember often I do prefer to pick up the check but I’m just sayin’…
Mike, my reply was in my most recent blog post, which is why I did not reply to your comment. I did not want to give up my whole topic here. Thank you for your comments!
If a guy thinks dinner is reasonable quid pro quo for sex, keep looking. Unless misogyny is your thing… Meet for coffee and drinks first – It keeps things casual and minimizes expectations while giving you a key piece of information: How dude behaves in public.
Being over 40, we are mature enough to have sex when both people feel the time is right. The only problem with that is if after the first or second date and you have sex….no matter how the man feels you will never trust whether it’s about you or about the sex. As far as if he buys you dinner and he thinks you owe him…Ken called it! Move on…quickly! My apologies ladies, but not all men think along the same lines as I do.
That’s right and we want the gentlemen like you two!
Awwww Shucks LB!