Author: Lisa Balthaser

Someone Who Gives You Hope

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

Just like that!

You meet someone who gives you hope. Someone you never dreamed you would meet. Someone who makes your heart come alive and makes you realize that, yes, there is someone out there for you!

I had actually given up on finding love.

If you have followed my blog for awhile, you know I have had a few horror stories. It seemed like every date was worse than the last.

One day a few months back, I was looking at my life. My parents were getting older, and I realized I have no one. Sure, I have a lot of friends and relatives, but no one who means so much to me that I would die for them, literally.

So I prayed.

I mean REALLY prayed. Long and hard. I asked God for EXACTLY the man I wanted. With tears streaming down my face I pleaded with God for a man who was Godly, who could lead a Godly home, who I could love and would love me and be the ONLY one for me. I asked NOT to date, but to find THE ONE.

And guess what?

Within one week he was in my inbox!

The perfect man. The one who was everything I could ever ask for and so much more. The one who gave me HOPE!

I was in awe of this amazing man God put before me. He was like no other man I had ever met. You see, I have NEVER thought I would meet a man as amazing as this before. I never really thought a man like this was even an option. But THIS man!

We talked for an entire month before we met and before we met I knew he was THE ONE for me. God had placed this glorious man in my life. I was SOOO happy, like never before.

When we met, he was even more amazing than I imagined. How can this be? I did not even know a man like this existed. And I certainly never thought I would meet him. But I did and here he was. God does answer prayers.

So, when things did not work out as I wanted, I took it hard. Really hard.

However, in looking at everything that has passed, there are some lessons here.

There IS hope!

If you have lost hope, just know that no matter what, there IS someone out there for you! There are amazing men and women who are everything you could ever want or need in a partner. Keep this in prayer and they will show up. It may not be when you expect it or how you expect it, but they will show up.

And even if it does not work out, there is MUCH to be gained by meeting them.

You could get hope back and learn to believe again that there is someone out there for you!

You could gain a friend who will see you through your journey.

And you will definitely learn things about yourself and the one you do want and need in your life.

ALL of these are wins. They may not be the end of the story, but they are wins. And you MUST acknowledge them and learn from them.

My journey is not done, and I am not sure where it is going, but I do know I am better because of it. I am also grateful to have been given hope back that I lost many years ago. I needed someone to show me that hope by giving me hope. Someone to show me love by just being. Someone who is an example of the kind of man I want in my life and the kind I deserve. Someone who showed me that I do NOT need to settle (which was never an option anyway), because the man I want IS out there. God sent him and showed me. He DOES exist.

So, if you have lost hope, feel hopeless, and it seems like you will never find the one you are looking for, I am writing this for you. I felt that way for a very long time, also. But what I have learned is that the man I want and need DOES exist.

If you take away anything from reading my words today, my hope for you is that you take HOPE from this experience. I had given up. I spent nearly 10 years not dating much at all. But when I asked for exactly what I wanted, he did show up. And even if it did not work out as I hoped and dreamed it would, it did show me an amazing man, and that gave me hope that my true love is out there. I want you to know that yours is out there, also!

NEVER LOSE HOPE!

Dream BIG and keep hope alive!

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Back in the Dating Game

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

I had given up on dating and men. In fact, I have not really dated in years, and I have not had a serious relationship in over a decade.

I know that sounds sad, but it really was by choice. The men I was meeting just were not even close to what I was looking for.

As a Christian woman, it is extremely hard to find a true Christian man. So often people say they are Christian, but they are not. A Christian puts God FIRST, and that shows up in words, actions, and lifestyle.

I ventured out into the dating game again. It was not something that I was super enthusiastic about since the last thing I needed was another heartbreak. In fact, one of the reasons I stopped dating was because I thought another heartbreak might just kill me. Really. I have had more than my fair share, but I have spent a LOT of time working on myself over the years.

I approached dating with caution back in June of 2022. I was talking to a few people and then I did go on ONE date with a man who was actually quite handsome. I do NOT use the word handsome lightly. I don’t even find most men who are my age attractive. So, I was pleasantly surprised to even find someone who I thought was attractive.

After MUCH back and forth (WAY too much in my opinion), we met for dinner. Things started out well with some light conversation. And then…

UGH!!!

He started complaining about an ex-girlfriend who cheated on him. He harbored way too much anger about the situation that was NOT recent.

This is a definite red flag for several reasons:

  • Anger like that usually means that there are unresolved feelings.
  • A display of anger like that is NOT attractive at any time, but especially on a first date.
  • At one point he said that he threatened his friend who his girlfriend cheated with and told him to step outside to kick his A*&.

I honestly feel that by the time you are my age, if you have NOT been cheated on it is rare, and if you have not figured out how to manage the hurt and pain, then you never will. What was a bit alarming to me is that this man openly talked about wanting to beat up his friend. This was crazy to me. In NO way would I EVER want to be with a man who thinks that is acceptable behavior. EVER.

But this was not the only red flag this man flew. He had a whole collection of flags he was flying.

Red flag #2 had to do with his dogs. Yes, really. He hesitated to actually GO on the date because he worried about leaving his dogs at home. Um… My question to him was, “Well, don’t you leave them at home when you go to work?” Nope – his mom dog sits.

Okay, now I have a dog. In fact, I have had a dog for about 30 years. I have never once used my dog as an excuse. My dog is trained and even though he does not like being home alone, he is perfectly capable of doing it. Now, I realize not every dog and dog owner are the same, but if he cannot leave the house for a few hours for dinner, then how does he plan to date? Seriously, people can be so weird. I am often curious about how some manage to get through life.

But that is not all…

Red flag #3 was curiously interesting to me. This was something I have never experienced before and hope never to again.

During our conversation, he kept alluding to the fact that he thought I was attractive. While that is nice to hear, when someone dwells on it, that usually means that looks are the most important thing to them. And that is NOT the type of man I would ever want. Yes, there needs to be attraction and yes, I want someone who finds me very attractive, BUT there is so much more to me than looks and I need them to acknowledge that first – before looks.

This man was hung up on looks. So much so, that when I showed him a photo of me with my hair pulled up, he wrinkled his nose and told me I could wear my hair down when we went out. REALLY?! Controlling much? Pretentious much? Wow, this man was looking for arm candy and that was NOT me. This really put up all kinds of red flags and alarms for me.

On top of all of this, he was Mr. Octopus Arms (Red flag #4). WAY too grabby for me on a first date. Where is the respect?

This date made me curious. Is this what dating is like now?

After just ONE date, I took a break again. It felt hopeless. Where are all the decent men? Are there any out there?

In my next blog, you will learn some of those answers. Stay tuned.

Are Dating Sites Worth the Aggravation?

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

If you have ever tried online dating, you probably have a few stories to tell. I took a break from those sites for a long time. Years, in fact.

Why?

Well, I just was not meeting quality men, and I don’t have the time for anything less than that. I also have been focusing on my business and I find most men on those sites to be less than understanding of the time commitment that means.

So, after being on pandemic lockdown for the better part of a year, I decided to see what the dating scene had in store for me – a so-called middle-aged entrepreneur who is a Christian and puts that first and foremost.

It took less than 24 hours for me to see why I left it behind for so long.

I am heartbroken. Really.

I was using the Facebook dating app and I reject at least 90% of the people who “like” me because they are clearly going by looks and not considering me, the person.

Then I came across a profile that had me totally intrigued. I wanted to know this guy! This is actually a very rare reaction from me since few men actually fit even half of what I would expect in a partner.

Jerry from Allentown.

I wanted to know this guy!! So, what intrigued me?

He put out there that first and foremost he is a Christian and he was looking for a Christian, not someone who SAYS they are in words only. That is ME! He also said he does not do clubs, drink or smoke – me either! He said he goes to church – me too!! I was so excited to see a man put this out to the world because one does not see this too much on dating apps. I wanted to meet this man!

I can’t remember what else was in his profile, but I will definitely say he was not the typical person I would want to date, but he was absolutely worth taking a chance on. Or was he?

First, I was scrolling through the app before I went to sleep and it was really late (like 3 AM late). I actually finished working on a project for my business at 1 AM and was reading on my phone before bed. As an entrepreneur, sometimes I am inspired late at night and actually work at that time – even on weekends.

I messaged him a simple greeting and followed by asking if he was in Allentown or one of the suburban towns. He apparently replied around 4 am. And he asked where I disappeared to. Um… I went to sleep. Something normal that everyone does. I thought that was a weird question at that time of day.

So when I woke up, I saw there was a message. I replied that I did not go anywhere and explained I don’t always see those notifications because, for some unknown reason, Facebook does not show those notifications on the laptop and I rarely check notifications on my phone.

He replied something like “who even are you?” To which I replied that I was not sure what he meant and I was confused. I was. I thought this guy on paper (okay phone) was my dream guy who I never see on dating apps, and I was exactly who he SAID he wanted to meet and he was the same for me! I was really confused.

He replied that he does not have time for games and people playing with him. At the same time, he was sending me that reply, I was sending him a message that if he wanted to connect on social media (ALWAYS against my better judgment), we could do that so he could see who I am, which is who I say I am. I was serious about wanting to meet this guy. After I hit “send” I saw he sent me the message. And then, “poof” he deleted me. He never saw my message.

I was heartbroken.

After years of taking myself out of the dating game, one of my first encounters shoved into my face all the reasons I stopped online dating. The disappointment is painful. When you are on the apps and this is the norm, you become disheartened at the state of humanity. You begin to wonder if there are any good people out there. You get your hopes up that this one could be a decent normal man, and then your hopes are crushed by the reality of online dating.

The disappointment is soul-crushing for me. And that is why I stopped dating several years ago. Have I met some great guys online? YES!!! Absolutely! But they were not the right ones for me.

So, was Jerry from Allentown sincere in who he said he was? I may never know. He gave me hope, but that hope was crushed in under 24 hours.

Being a Christian dating online is excruciatingly painful at times because so many people classify themselves as Christian, but that is in name only and not by action. Very few men attend church if left to their own devices and even fewer men actually live a truly Christian life, which is what I am looking for.

I am not sure what went wrong with a simple greeting and attempt to have a conversation. I can only make some assumptions as to what happened. I don’t understand how people expect to meet anyone if they don’t even give them a chance at a conversation. He liked MY profile before I liked his (I will never chase or talk to someone who is not FIRST interested in me). So, he was interested in me.

I would love to hear from you about what you think went wrong. Have you had a similar experience?

So, Jerry from Allentown. Your loss. I am the real deal.

Back to square one.

Impatience Will Get You Nowhere

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

Impatience

Okay, so most folks today have used a dating app at one time or another.  If you are an attractive female, you know how many messages you can get by just signing on for a minute or two.  This is one of the main reasons I NEVER hang out on the apps.  I don’t have the time to be inundated with a dozen or two messages every time I sign in just because it put my profile at the top. Also, if I am talking to someone, I don’t generally sign in to answer other messages.  It is just the respectful thing to do.

The next time I sign in after a week or two, I am always astounded at the nastiness in some of the messages if I did not reply immediately.   Seriously, men, do you think we have nothing better to do than hanging out on a dating app all day?

Impatience is Usually NOT Attractive on Most People

Let’s face it, people are busy! Whether one has a high-stress job or has children to take care of and play taxi for or maybe has a lot of personal things on their plate.  Regardless of the reason, most people have little down time (at least most people I know).

So, the point it – respect that! First off, men, understand that most attractive women are bombarded with numerous emails on dating sites.  If we don;t answer you immediately, there could be a number of reasons, including just being busy.  Many times, this has nothing to do with you, we just did not sign on or get your message yet.

So, on my birthday a guy messaged me.  I was super busy on my birthday weekend and signing into a dating app was not a priority to me (as it is not most days).  The message was sent at 4:40 PM.  By 8:26 AM the following morning I already received a nasty message about not answering him.  The truth is, I had not even seen the message.

When I saw both messages about a week later, I could not help but wonder what would possess someone to send a second nasty message when one did not even see the first message.  My second thought was that I was grateful it played out this way.  Why? Because it sure showed this guy’s true colors, and he was definitely NOT for me. Impatience is NOT attractive on a dating site and there is no place for it there.

Assumptions Do NOT Win You Friends and Lovers

Normally, I would have just deleted his messages, but I felt compelled to message him back and point out the error of his ways (of course, I did). The main thing he did wrong was to make an assumption as to why I did not reply to him.  His assumption was incorrect, which in turn, caused his reaction to be way off base – and totally unattractive in every sense of the word.

I also shared with him some basic facts that I want to also point out to you.

  1. What does it really matter if someone does not reply? Is it going to kill you? Probably not.  As a matter of fact, many times they are just not the one for you, so it is a good thing they did not reply.
  2. Does it really matter is someone replies today, or next week? Really, guys, it doesn’t. The only reason I could see where a guy would think it mattered is if he wanted to get laid – and in that case, I will say shame on you for even thinking that is okay! It really does not matter.  Really, you will survive another day, or week, til you hear back.
  3. Nastiness has no place here.  You do not know the other person.  You have not developed a relationship with them enough to know what their situation is, so the least you can do is respect them.  Just because someone does not do what YOU want them to do does not give you the right to lash out at them or be nasty and insensitive.  If you feel it does, that says a whole lot about you, and not in a good way.

Last Word

I have met many very nice people on dating sites.  Just because I have not met the RIGHT one yet does not mean there are not great people there. Most of the men I have met are kind and decent.  I do tend to weed out guys like this one fairly quickly. That being said, I realize these sites are wading through treacherous waters at times, and not everyone there is honest, or nice, or has good intentions. However, I think the best approach to these sites is to treat the people you meet there with the same respect you would if you met them in person – unless they give you a VERY good reason not to.  If a guys ask your boob size or start getting sexually explicit in the conversation, it is time to block them.  There is no need to play their games.  There is no reason to make assumptions about them or to be nasty.  If this is not your game, then they are not for you.  Simply move on.

I took the time to reply to this guy and I gave him well-thought-out constructive advice. He may have ignored it, but there is a small chance he read my advice and gave it a fleeting thought.  I treated him like someone I could have met on the street who was having a bad day.  You never know what someone is going through.  Maybe next time he will be a little more respectful (or maybe not), but I did my part to help another human being and not treat him as he treated me. I don’t think it took any more energy than the nasty reaction he deserved from me – and that is my point. So, next time you feel someone deserves a nasty reply (and they may well deserve it), step away for a minute and consider they may just be having a bad day and if you reply, reply as if that were the case. you will feel better about yourself, and you will not be harboring anger at someone you don’t even know.

 

If I am not Worth Fireworks in July, You are not Worth My Time in September

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

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It’s July 4th week here in the United States and fun festivities abound. But yet, somewhere out there, there are millions of singles sitting at home alone.  Why?

Let’s face it, dating these days is complicated, but it doesn;t need to be. Activities such as festivals and fireworks are the perfect romantic outing.

So, let’s examine why so many singles are sitting at home alone and not enjoying these events with potential suitors (yes, I used that word). Why don’t more men ask women out to these events or even date over the summer? Why do summers find men missing in action only to arrive back on the grid in September or October? While I don’t have all the answers, I would like to explore a few reasons you may find men MIA over the summer months.

Freedom

One reason you may not be chatting with too many men over the summer is that men just don’t want to be bothered or “tied down” over the summer (whatever that means). Many men just want to do what they want to do and they don’t want to have to answer to anyone.  They know full well if they are dating you that you will question them, and they just don’t want to deal with that. They want to hang out with their friends or head for a weekend at the beach and they don’t want to feel obligated to ask you to go or hear you when you don’t invite them.

Money

Some men just don’t want to have to spend money on you. Really. They know in the warmer months you will want to do more things and that means it will cost them money. If they can hold out until summer is over, they know you will not expect them to go as many places as you would in the summer.

Time

As I mentioned earlier, they want their freedom.  Mainly they don;t want to feel obligated to spend time with you.  The more time you require, the less time they can do what they want in the summer.

They want to Spend Summer with Someone Else

Yes, ladies, this happens. Sometimes men want to have “fun” at your expense. Sometimes you are the recipient of a guy just wanting some summer “fun” with you only to be forgotten once reality sets back in when Summer is over. And sometimes, you are the forgotten one.  The one he sees as too serious for his summer fling.

These factors alone can make dating in the summer challenging.  So what is a woman to do?

My suggestion is that if you are talking to someone in the late Spring or Summer and they put off meeting you, forget them – even if you think they are perfect for you. Why? You may ask. Because if you are not worth the Fireworks of the Summer, he is NOT worth your time in the Fall. You are better than that.  You deserve more than he is giving you and accepting this from him will set a precedent for your relationship.

Of course, this is only my opinion, but really, ladies, you are worth Fireworks! If he is husband material, he will know that and will treat you like you are.

 

I Do What I Want

Published on by Lisa Balthaser4 Comments

I took a break from dating for over a year.  Why? Well, because I was not interested in ANY of the men I was meeting. I was also going through many life challenges from aging parents to building my own social media marketing business.  These two things took so much of my time (and still do). However, I decided to check out my dating apps today to see if the landscape has changed at all.  I was pleasantly surprised to see a few men who look promising.  But then I came across this guy and had to come on here and write about it.

His Introduction

I will say, his introduction DID cause me to actually look deeper into his profile, so it was effective for getting his profile read.  Kudos for that. However, the sentence that got me to read more was “Some people say I am a jerk.” Okay, so this is not exactly how I would ever want to make a good impression, but it did get my attention.

I read on wondering why people think he is a jerk (think ass, as pictured).  As I started reading further, nothing stood out to make me feel like he is a jerk. That is until I came to one line:

“I Do What I Want When I Want”

Wow!  Really? If that was not bad enough, the next sentence sent him straight into the stratosphere of “No. Absolutely Not! Never in this Lifetime to eternity!” Category.

So, what was the next line? I will put it all together for you: “I do what I want when I want.  You will also do what I want when I want.” Wow.  I have never seen such a selfish, self-centered statement on a dating profile – and I have seen a lot of dating profiles over the years. So, let’s take a look at this statement as it pertains to dating and finding a relationship.

Middle Aged Singles Do What They Want

Okay, so once someone has reached what is considered middle age, most have lived a lot and are used to basically doing what they want and many times when they want. Many have children who have already left the home and they have a new found freedom and for some a second adolescence. All of this is great.  It is liberating to have this type of freedom.

However, If one chooses to enter into a relationship they MUST consider the other person and they MUST be willing to actually be in a relationship, not a dictatorship. By stating this is his profile, this guy was clearly claiming his perceived authority over any woman entering into a relationship with him. To me, this is a huge red flag for abuse.

Anyone who needs to state an authority over another is weak.  They are weak in character. It shows they lack compassion for others, and their sole agenda is them. Quite frankly, I don’t see why ANYONE would date someone who would make such a statement. But I am sure there are people out there who either do not read profiles, ignore what is right in front of them or think they will change him.  Doing any of those will more than likely end in disaster.

While this guy (and many others) may be used to doing what they want when they want, if they are truly looking for a relationship, there has to be some give on that.  One MUST consider the other person in the relationship.  They are just as important as you are. Relationships are give and take, and there must be room for compromise and communication if they are to work.

Red Flag Issues

As someone who has endured both physical and emotional abuse in a relationship, I am very attuned to red flags for abuse. If you see red flags in a profile or conversation before you meet someone, please don’t brush it off.  Sometimes these little clues are just a glimpse of a much larger problem.  Once you are emotionally invested in the person it is a lot harder to extract yourself from the situation.

Here are some of the things I look for in profiles and communication prior to meeting someone:

  • Exerting dominance (see above)
  • Sex as one of their interests and can’t live without (this MAY signal an addiction)
  • Someone who is focused only on looks
  • Excessive drinking photos or mostly photos taken in bars (a true indication of lifestyle)
  • Someone who has a problem with your schedule or tries to convince you to see them sooner than you are able (this indicated they want to control or are needy). If they have a problem with your schedule now, imagine what it will be like later.
  • Someone who states in their profile they only want to spend time with you (are they really that needy?).
  • Anyone who asks for additional photos/full body photos if you already have photos on your profile.
  • Anyone who has not taken the time to fill out their profile
  • Anyone who does not have a photo of themselves on their profile (what are they hiding from?)
  • Anyone who states to only call them at work (probably married or in a committed relationship)
  • Anyone who wants to pick you up or for you to pick them up, as opposed to meeting in a public place (be very careful).

While there are many more things to consider, these are just a few of the things to be aware of when dating online.  There are many more that involve the actual date.

The best thing to do is screen well and ask questions prior to meeting someone.  Have a set of questions that you typically ask everyone.  These should be things that are important to you and are nonnegotiables.

Steer clear of this guy (the one in the photo above) and Happy Dating!

The Muppets are Sending the Wrong Message

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

Poor Kermit!  He was cast aside by Miss Piggy last year and now the beloved couple is divorced.  Here he sits, crying is eyes out and alone.  Miss Piggy has moved on to find something better because Kermit was just not enough for her.

Okay, okay, so that was a little overdramatic.  However, there is a LOT wrong with the scenario that has been played out by our “child-friendly” puppet friends.  Did I say child-friendly?

Being a child is hard enough.  Many grow up in less-than-stellar home situations with less-than-ideal families.  Many do not have both parents in their homes and some don’t even know one of their parents.  Yes, this is the reality in America in 2016.  There is nothing child-friendly about many of our children’s home lives.  And this is exactly why I was appalled when they announced that Kermit and Miss Piggy were splitting up.

When are we going to allow our children to actually be children?  Why do we need to push them into the very harsh realities of life and not allow them to enjoy not having them?  While breakups and divorce are the norms in many households, they wreak havoc on children’s lives, sometimes to the point of no repair.

Children will always want their parents to be together or get back together – at least initially.  Children need to believe there is good in this world.  They need to feel safe and secure in their homes so they can become stable and properly functioning adults.  So what do the Muppets have to do with this?  Everything!  Everything that is wrong with our families in America.

Why can’t we allow our children to have a little piece of a wholesome family in their TV viewing?  Why does a good program that has been a favorite of children all over need to go the way of our throw-away society?

The Muppets could still have had problems, but they could have taught children the art (yes art) of good communication, compromise, COMMITMENT, and getting along with others in life.  It seems we are going to have generations going forward that have no sense of commitment – I mean TRUE commitment, not a commitment that lasts only until something does not go your way or gets tough and you don’t want to put the work in to make it work.  Commitment to ANYTHING has been on the decline.  No wonder with our narcissistic self-serving society.  We have enough problems in our society without creating this mindset in children.

I realize this is a dating blog, so let’s get back to that.  Adults my age have a commitment problem, and we grew up in a far different world. It is difficult, even for me, to find a man who is genuinely committed to making a relationship and a marriage work – NO MATTER WHAT!  Life is not perfect, and life is many times very hard – that is the time to pull together and lean on each other.  Is it easy? No.  Can it create enough tension in marriage to break that marriage up? Yes -UNLESS both parties are 100% committed to the marriage itself (notice I did not say each other, but the marriage itself). And that is why I have a huge problem with Kermit and Miss Piggy breaking up.  We should be teaching our children what it takes to make relationships work! This is what we should be teaching our children, instead of showing them it is okay to bail out when times get tough – IT IS NEVER OKAY!

So when these children grow up, they are not going to understand TRUE commitment.  They are probably not even going to see the kind of commitment that it takes to make a marriage last a lifetime.  That makes me sad.  Very sad.

You Lost Me at Sweetheart

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

A few months back I was chatting with a man on an online dating site.  The conversation was light and we seemed to hit it off fairly well.  Then he did one thing that threw up all kinds of red flags and that was the end of my interest in this man.  So, what did he do that turned me away so quickly?

He called me Sweetheart!

Some women may not think twice about a comment through a dating site that starts with or ends with “sweetheart,” but to me, it said a LOT! Here is my take on it.

Oxford Dictionaries defines sweetheart as “a term of endearment or affection,” “someone with whom someone is having a romantic or sexual relationship,” or “a particularly lovable or pleasing thing.”

That being said, one would think being called sweetheart is a good thing.  Well, it is in the right context.  So, let’s dissect this from an online dating perspective.

Two Strangers Meet

Online dating basically puts two complete strangers together in the same digital space for conversation so they can evaluate each other to see whether or not they would like to meet face-to-face.  All conversation that takes place prior to meeting is an evaluation and each party is sizing up the other.

The reason those specific things are kept private on dating sites is to protect the members of the site.  In essence, there is a digital “wall” that separates the parties unless they take their conversation onto another platform or to another level.

Being that when people converse through these websites they are virtually strangers, when a party breaks the “stranger” barrier with unwanted terms of affection it is just plain creepy.  Both parties do not know the other’s relationship histories, wants, and needs yet.

My Take

To explain my take on this man calling me sweetheart, I will look at all three definitions.

A Term of Endearment or Affection

Okay, so if I am communicating with someone online we are strangers, plain and simple. Unless I expressly give you permission to call me an affectionate term, it is UNWANTED. As a matter of fact, based on my history in male-dominated industries in corporate America, this term is downright condescending to me.  In the corporate world it usually signified one of the following: the man did not respect the woman, the man had a problem with the woman being in a leadership position, the man was trying to keep the woman in a lower position in the company by devaluing her (Try calling a man sweetheart and see what happens!), the man was trying to exhibit control or authority, or the man is a misogynist.  These reasons alone should deter any decent man from calling a complete stranger sweetheart!

Someone with Whom Someone is Having a Romantic or Sexual Relationship

Based on this definition, it is clear I am NOT your sweetheart since we have never met. How assumptive of a man to think he has any right to call a stranger sweetheart.  Now, this particular man said he used the term because he did not know my name.  So, ask! Or don’t use ANY term of endearment.  Last I checked this is not rocket science.  Being respectful should be common sense when you are trying to make a good impression. Terms of endearment should be agreed upon, and really signifying endearment, not thrown around loosely like they mean nothing.  If you are calling her sweetheart, chances are you are also calling many other women sweetheart, and that is NOT okay no matter how you want to justify it.

A Particularly Lovable or Pleasing Thing

First, notice the word “thing.” This is exactly how the word sweetheart comes across when it is used by a stranger to a woman.  It comes across as if he is claiming possession of her as his thing.  It is kind of like a catcall, and NO ONE likes them (no they do NOT make us feel good and we do NOT appreciate them). It is demeaning.  If it is said in front of other men, it shows insecurity because you are trying to “claim” the woman.  That is just plain wrong. NO WOMAN is a man’s possession.  Ever.

Conclusion

Think twice before you use this term, or any other term of endearment, to someone who may not see you as having earned that status (yes, it is earned).

So when I did not reply to this man after he called me sweetheart in two replies in a row, he wrote me to ask what happened and asked if he scared me away.  My reply: “You lost me at sweetheart.”

The Role of Social Media in Online Dating

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

 

I just had a little ‘incident’ this morning and feel compelled to write about it to caution all women, and educate men.  It goes without saying that I don’t feel like I should have to educate anyone, but the fact is that some people just don’t get it.

Some of you may know that I not only write this blog, but I have a social media business.  That means I spend hours on social media each and every day.  As an online marketer, I connect with many people in the course of a month.  Business cannot be created without the right connections.  Many people connect with me because I am a social media marketer.  I know this going in.  While I absolutely love making connections with people who are sincere in their intentions, on occasion I run across a slimeball.  Yes, a slimeball – you read that right.

Please allow me to explain why I use such a harsh word.

In life, we naturally want to connect with people.  Many of us want to find someone to date, have a relationship with and even marry.  While dating sites may be frustrating for some, they are the appropriate place to show interest in someone you are interested in dating.  Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and any other social media platform are not.  While relationships may be built and grow into something else through social media platforms, one should never connect with someone on a social media platform with the intention of immediately messaging them with the intention of meeting them.

What NOT to do: Facebook Communication

His next line was “We should get to know each other.” To Which I responded, “Isn’t that what Facebook is all about?”  The whole way communication was started with no regard or respect for me.  He wanted to “get to know me” based on what?  A photo or two? I have no idea who this guy is.

Since I am online for my business, when I connect with someone on social platforms, my intention is the connection, not a date.  If someone immediately starts hitting on me or states they want to get to know me, they are disrespecting my workspace and disrespecting me as a woman.

First, if we just connected, you know nothing about me except what you read on that particular social platform.  This leads me to believe that you only want to know me based on the photos you see and not the content between my ears.  This annoys me to no end and I find it totally disrespectful and degrading to me as a human being.  I am a person, not to be objectified by male inappropriateness.  Unless you really take the time to know me before expressing interest, you will get shot down.  I don’t miss.  I go for the jugular.

You see, dating after 40 has some huge advantages to dating in our younger years.  First, we have heard all the BS and are not having any of that.  Second, if you think we don’t know your game, you are fooling no one but yourself.  Third, we have already established we do not NEED a man but merely WANT one.  That means you have to prove you are worthy of our trust and affection.

So, ladies, when a man friends you on Facebook, shows you some attention be VERY cautious.  Check out his profile.  Are most of his connections women?  If so, he is more than likely saying the same thing to many women hoping one lets her guard down.  Please be smart and don’t be that one.  Plus, you do not want to end of one of the many women in his life when he is insisting you are the only one.

There are many stories about women being wooed online by someone in a far off place, they come to town, disappear for periods of time.  Later the woman is left broke and alone, her life savings stolen by this “wonderful” guy she met online.  There are men who prey on women for money, sex, and other things,  Some are scam artists, and some have families in another state.  They create online personas to find their next victim.  Don’t be that person.  Be cautious!

This man’s profile says he is from Idaho.  I live on the East Coast.  In order for us to get to know each other one would need to travel.  A predator will want to either get you in his territory, where you are unfamiliar, or come to you if he is trying to hide a life he does not want you to know about.  Now, I am not saying that was this guy’s intention but is sure was creepy he way it played out.  Out of 116 friends, only 4 are men.  Not only that we have 7 common friends, all of which are networking friends on the East Coast, where he does NOT live.  It is obvious to me that he went through my friends’ lists and selected random women to connect with on Facebook.

I am absolutely NOT saying this man is any of these things, but there are many other concerns women need to be aware of when approached randomly like this.  There are rapists, child molesters and a variety of other deviant personality types on social media who target and prey on women and children.  Sadly, it has to be something we consider when a connection just feels off for some reason.

Now, men, this is not to say you cannot meet someone and get to know her on social media.  I am just saying be smart and be respectful.  Most women do understand that men are visual creatures, but that does not mean we want to feel like a piece of meat.  If you are interested in someone you connect with online, first make sure your intentions are honorable.  No woman deserves less than that.  Take the time to get to know her on her social media account.  Interact with her honestly and respectfully.  Take the time to learn about her interests, likes and dislikes.  In doing this, you will know if you really do want to know her better, and she will know if she wants to know you.

Allow the relationship to progress naturally.  Don’t force it. Forcing something before it is ready to show up may not allow it to show up at all. And please, above all, do not invade her online space by commenting on every post.  That tends to be creepy and makes you seem like a stalker.   Use good judgment and be smart about your communication.

Social media is NOT a dating site.  While we may find our true love on social media, the approach MUST be different than on a dating site or it is creepy and invasive.  Although I have used gender roles above, I do understand that gender roles can be reversed in these situations, also.  So the application goes both directions.  Since I am female and I write about my experiences, I do write from a female perspective.

DO connect, but be smart in communication and be cautious when meeting. If you choose to meet someone in person you meet on social media, I would consider doing a background check if ANYTHING seems off.  It is better to be cautious and alive than the alternative.  On a side note, I do want to say that most people online are legitimate and their intentions are true.  This article is about the ones who are questionable.

Are You Seeking Love Based on The Love Lies?

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

This past week I had the distinct pleasure of attending a teleconference based on the book The Love Lies by Debrena Jackson Gandy.  I had no idea what to expect since I have attended calls on this subject matter in the past and have come away disappointed in them.  I attended this call because it was part of my friend Lougenia Trailblazer Rucker of Divine Diamond Ministries’ Wisdom Speaks Series.  This time I was pleasantly surprised by the information discussed, as I should have expected from this knockout duo!

Debrena Jackson Gandy started out by talking about being a girl vs. being a woman.  I knew immediately what she was talking about.  Although most of us should know better, we tend to buy into the lies told to us by American culture and the media.  We are programmed from a very young age to see relationships and love a certain way, as fed to us by the media.  The problem is, these are but pipe dreams based little on truth.  We are told we need to find love and we need to be worthy of love.  Society tells us things should flow a certain way – and we buy it hook, line and sinker!  We are reacting to our environment and being girls (immature) instead of acting as mature women who have knowledge and truth.

You see, society teaches girls about relationships from a place of fear and scarcity.  Fear that we need to find someone before it’s too late.  Fear that if we don’t we are somehow not good enough or unlovable.  Fear that we won’t find someone.  Scarcity refers to the term soul mate, which I have previously said I do not believe in.  Soul mate implies there is one – one in a world of billions!! It implies we had better start “looking” because we have a lot of work to do if we are to find that needle in a haystack!  This was exactly my argument for not believing in a soul mate.  There is NOT just one – plain and simple.  Who created this term and who decided there was just one person for each of us in this world of billions of people?  To a logical mind, this does not make any sense.  Yet many people buy into this.

Ms. Jackson Gandy went on to say that relationships are built on love and truth.  Well, yeah, but whose truth? Her answer to that is God’s truth.  Her book The Love Lies is based on truths she found in the Bible.  The truth about how God sees relationships and love, not how we as humans degrade it to be something so much less than what it should be or what we deserve.

The next point that hit home with me was that many women feel incomplete without a man, or are told by society they are incomplete without a man.  I know this one all too well.  I must have been asked hundreds of times in my life when I am going to find a guy and get married.  My answer has always been the same.  I will get married when I find a man worthy of marrying, and that hasn’t happened yet.  The thing is, I do not need a man to complete me, to feel okay with me, or to make me feel like a woman.  Sure, I would love to get married, but ONLY to the right man.  Ms. Jackson Gandy took it even further by saying that women were a gift to man from God.  If this is the case, why do so many women devalue this fact?  We settle, give in to men’s desires, and compromise our own values for men!  Why are we not treating ourselves like the true gift we are?  If we dig deep and really look at how God created us, we would know we are a true gift.  My big take from this part of the discussion is that we should never, ever allow men to not treat us as a gift.  So many of us do.  We need to stop!

Since I have always taken the stance of courtship and respect, I was thrilled to hear someone else agree with my position on these things.  I have been ridiculed many times over my position on relationships and marriage.  That is okay, though, because these are all personal decisions based on what we decide is a real truth.  Compromise should never be an option. Having a relationship that is not what it should be should not be an option either.  I hold my position not to settle or compromise my values just to have a husband.

If you have been “searching” for love and have not “found” it, or you just want to throw your hands up when it comes to relationships, reading The Love Lies may give you a different perspective.  Love starts with YOU.  Give yourself a fresh perspective and start getting rid of all those lies society has told us.  While we all form our own opinions based on our realities, it never hurts to look at another way of thinking.  Decide for yourself.  Get a preview of the book on the next teleconference call on April 16, 2015.  I have included links below for the book, the teleconference, and Divine Diamond Ministries.

Photo Courtesy of Debrena Jackson Gandy, Million Dollar Mentor
Photo Courtesy of Debrena Jackson Gandy, Million Dollar Mentor

Get your copy of The Love Lies: http://www.amazon.com/Debrena-Jackson-Gandy/e/B000APHO9U

Follow Debrena Jackson Gandy on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Debrena-Jackson-Gandy/141807847439

To learn more about Lougenia Trailblazer Rucker and Divine Diamond Ministries, join her community and/or attend the next FREE teleconference on April 16, 2015: http://divinediamondsministries.ning.com/

Join Divine Diamond Ministries on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/243382975782600/