Category: Confidence

You are Enough!

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

You are enough! God says that you are beautifully and wonderfully made. He made you to be who you are and no one else. He created you with YOU in mind.

While these are the facts, sometimes it is hard to see this. Dating is rough. People don’t take the time to really get to know you and therefore, they cannot begin to appreciate the amazing human you are.

I know it’s hard, but you have to believe God, who always tells the truth, and not the lies of the enemy, which is the message you sometimes get from others.

For example, I know that I am one of the most high-quality women a man can meet. But few appreciate that about me. They say they are looking for love. They say they are looking for someone to spend their lives with. They say they want a Christian. And when I am all of the things they say they want, they run.

So, what do men want? I wish I knew. What I do know is that I have met some men who want Barbie hanging on their arms, and the rest does not matter. I have met men who say they want a Christian, but when it comes down to actually applying Christian values to the relationship, it all falls apart, because that is really not who they are. I have met men who say they want someone who holds their shared values, but then they make excuses because what they are really after are worldly possessions and assets. It’s insane, really.

Sometimes it feels that being YOU just is not enough. Being you can never measure up to the impossible expectations of the dating game. You are told over and over again that you are NOT enough. But the humans telling you that cannot see the amazing human you are. They are flawed. They are not looking for the right things in a relationship, but are blinded by cultural and worldly things.

Remember it is they who are flawed. For you ARE enough. God says you are beautifully and wonderfully made. He said you are beautiful. You are a beautiful soul and when men cannot see your beauty, they lose out on an amazing woman. They miss out on someone God created and it takes a God-centered man to appreciate that. If a man who claims to be God-centered cannot see your beauty, he is flawed.

A God-centered man will be able to recognize your beauty. He will be in awe of how strong you are through all the things you have been through. He will be amazed you are still standing to tell your story. And he will feel lucky you chose him to share it all with. He will recognize that God gave you the strength you have and your strength is an asset to any relationship. He will see you have leaned on God more than he probably has and the only reason he is lucky enough to even talk to you is because you have.

Yes, You are beautifully and wonderfully made, my dear. You are an amazing creature of God. You are beauty, strength, power, love, compassion, giving, patience, and so much more all wrapped up in that beautiful package God made you in. You are enough. More than enough. And if someone wants to hold life’s hardships against you, then shame on them. For they cannot begin to appreciate the beauty that you are.

People in the Bible had hardships. We have read of many of them, but yet in the times we live in people expect to find the right person with the right package of material assets. That is NOT Biblical. Instead of looking at character, too many times today people focus on all the wrong things, and then they miss out on someone amazing who comes along. Unfortunately, many people today are shallow. They do not hold fast to the important things like character.

As I have said before in the blog, you cannot order up a person like you order a pizza. You cannot expect to get a pretty package with everything you like on top. Life happens and people come with all sorts of baggage, especially in middle age and beyond. They have lived full lives. Life happens. Things happen. All you can do is look at their heart and who they are today. That will tell you what you really need to know because THAT is what is important!

So, chin up, my friend. You are MORE than enough!

Men Don’t Like Busy

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

The Dilemma for Women Who Have Been Forced to Do It All

If I had a dollar for every man who made the observation that I am busy, I would be on my way to wealth. In fact, that is probably the number one reason I rarely ever get asked out on a date. Yes, really!

As a woman who has been single most of her life, I have been forced to earn good money, or at least aspire to it in order to live an okay life in a neighborhood that is relatively free of crime. The pressure of earning a so-called “man’s salary” as a woman in industries where I have been blatantly discriminated against as a female, had forced to be my own person and make my own name for myself. And yes, gender discrimination in equal pay does still exist.

I have put in long hours for less pay than the men I know only to make less money and have to work longer and harder than they have to get even close to the same compensation and respect.

So, imagine how it feels for me when a man comments on me being busy, or worse yet, “too busy to date.”

Here are the cold, hards facts, men. If a woman wants to find love and have a relationship, she is NEVER “too busy to date.” The assumption on your part of this is 100% off base, and here is why:

  • You are assuming something you know nothing about
  • You are basing your assumption on a situation where she is single and not in a relationship
  • You do NOT understand that she has to work longer and harder just to get only a portion of what you get for less time and effort
  • If her career or business is what is taking her time, you are not the one paying her bills, so your judgment is 100% inappropriate unless you volunteer to pay all of that for her.
  • You assume she is too busy for you, but yet you have not earned a place in her life yet.
  • The busyness was there before you arrived on the scene and probably exists because no one stepped up to the plate to date her.

I have had this very statement said to me in so many ways and so many times, that I know I could write a book on this topic. But here are a few cold, hard FACTS about my situation:

  • I RARELY even get to go on a date because men make assumptions about my life and know nothing about it
  • If men have not taken the time to get to know me and EARN a place in my life, I feel they have no right to make ANY claim on my time, now or in the future.
  • Men do not understand how hard it has been being single my whole life, and when they make assumptions without knowing the facts, it feels a lot like they resent me for doing exactly what they feel they have the right to do – earn a living!
  • I established my business when I was single. It is important to me and it requires my time. If you cannot handle that, then maybe you are not the one for me because I deserve a man who admires what I am doing and supports me 100%.
  • Unless you are paying my bills for me, then you have no say as to how much time my business requires.
  • I sit at home most weekends because NO ONE asks me out.
  • I hear ALL THE TIME, how pretty I am and why am I not “taken,” married, etc. – Well, you tell me, gentlemen, because you are the ones not asking me out!

So, instead of being so needy by requiring her time WAY before you have earned it, why don’t you look at the busy woman as a force of nature that you are lucky you know. For she has sure been through more than you could ever imagine, worked harder than Superman, and is smarter than most. Of course, that would mean that you cannot be intimidated by a smart woman, also!

Appreciate the tenacity it took for her to get to where she is. Admire her commitment to the impact she is trying to make in the world, and love her for all of it!

Do you really want someone who is at your beck and call every moment of every day, has no opinions, cannot think for themselves, and has no ambition at all? If you want that, then you are definitely not for me, and that is okay because there is someone out there for you who is not all of these things. Go find her!

If I am not Worth Fireworks in July, You are not Worth My Time in September

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

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It’s July 4th week here in the United States and fun festivities abound. But yet, somewhere out there, there are millions of singles sitting at home alone.  Why?

Let’s face it, dating these days is complicated, but it doesn;t need to be. Activities such as festivals and fireworks are the perfect romantic outing.

So, let’s examine why so many singles are sitting at home alone and not enjoying these events with potential suitors (yes, I used that word). Why don’t more men ask women out to these events or even date over the summer? Why do summers find men missing in action only to arrive back on the grid in September or October? While I don’t have all the answers, I would like to explore a few reasons you may find men MIA over the summer months.

Freedom

One reason you may not be chatting with too many men over the summer is that men just don’t want to be bothered or “tied down” over the summer (whatever that means). Many men just want to do what they want to do and they don’t want to have to answer to anyone.  They know full well if they are dating you that you will question them, and they just don’t want to deal with that. They want to hang out with their friends or head for a weekend at the beach and they don’t want to feel obligated to ask you to go or hear you when you don’t invite them.

Money

Some men just don’t want to have to spend money on you. Really. They know in the warmer months you will want to do more things and that means it will cost them money. If they can hold out until summer is over, they know you will not expect them to go as many places as you would in the summer.

Time

As I mentioned earlier, they want their freedom.  Mainly they don;t want to feel obligated to spend time with you.  The more time you require, the less time they can do what they want in the summer.

They want to Spend Summer with Someone Else

Yes, ladies, this happens. Sometimes men want to have “fun” at your expense. Sometimes you are the recipient of a guy just wanting some summer “fun” with you only to be forgotten once reality sets back in when Summer is over. And sometimes, you are the forgotten one.  The one he sees as too serious for his summer fling.

These factors alone can make dating in the summer challenging.  So what is a woman to do?

My suggestion is that if you are talking to someone in the late Spring or Summer and they put off meeting you, forget them – even if you think they are perfect for you. Why? You may ask. Because if you are not worth the Fireworks of the Summer, he is NOT worth your time in the Fall. You are better than that.  You deserve more than he is giving you and accepting this from him will set a precedent for your relationship.

Of course, this is only my opinion, but really, ladies, you are worth Fireworks! If he is husband material, he will know that and will treat you like you are.

 

Are You Seeking Love Based on The Love Lies?

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

This past week I had the distinct pleasure of attending a teleconference based on the book The Love Lies by Debrena Jackson Gandy.  I had no idea what to expect since I have attended calls on this subject matter in the past and have come away disappointed in them.  I attended this call because it was part of my friend Lougenia Trailblazer Rucker of Divine Diamond Ministries’ Wisdom Speaks Series.  This time I was pleasantly surprised by the information discussed, as I should have expected from this knockout duo!

Debrena Jackson Gandy started out by talking about being a girl vs. being a woman.  I knew immediately what she was talking about.  Although most of us should know better, we tend to buy into the lies told to us by American culture and the media.  We are programmed from a very young age to see relationships and love a certain way, as fed to us by the media.  The problem is, these are but pipe dreams based little on truth.  We are told we need to find love and we need to be worthy of love.  Society tells us things should flow a certain way – and we buy it hook, line and sinker!  We are reacting to our environment and being girls (immature) instead of acting as mature women who have knowledge and truth.

You see, society teaches girls about relationships from a place of fear and scarcity.  Fear that we need to find someone before it’s too late.  Fear that if we don’t we are somehow not good enough or unlovable.  Fear that we won’t find someone.  Scarcity refers to the term soul mate, which I have previously said I do not believe in.  Soul mate implies there is one – one in a world of billions!! It implies we had better start “looking” because we have a lot of work to do if we are to find that needle in a haystack!  This was exactly my argument for not believing in a soul mate.  There is NOT just one – plain and simple.  Who created this term and who decided there was just one person for each of us in this world of billions of people?  To a logical mind, this does not make any sense.  Yet many people buy into this.

Ms. Jackson Gandy went on to say that relationships are built on love and truth.  Well, yeah, but whose truth? Her answer to that is God’s truth.  Her book The Love Lies is based on truths she found in the Bible.  The truth about how God sees relationships and love, not how we as humans degrade it to be something so much less than what it should be or what we deserve.

The next point that hit home with me was that many women feel incomplete without a man, or are told by society they are incomplete without a man.  I know this one all too well.  I must have been asked hundreds of times in my life when I am going to find a guy and get married.  My answer has always been the same.  I will get married when I find a man worthy of marrying, and that hasn’t happened yet.  The thing is, I do not need a man to complete me, to feel okay with me, or to make me feel like a woman.  Sure, I would love to get married, but ONLY to the right man.  Ms. Jackson Gandy took it even further by saying that women were a gift to man from God.  If this is the case, why do so many women devalue this fact?  We settle, give in to men’s desires, and compromise our own values for men!  Why are we not treating ourselves like the true gift we are?  If we dig deep and really look at how God created us, we would know we are a true gift.  My big take from this part of the discussion is that we should never, ever allow men to not treat us as a gift.  So many of us do.  We need to stop!

Since I have always taken the stance of courtship and respect, I was thrilled to hear someone else agree with my position on these things.  I have been ridiculed many times over my position on relationships and marriage.  That is okay, though, because these are all personal decisions based on what we decide is a real truth.  Compromise should never be an option. Having a relationship that is not what it should be should not be an option either.  I hold my position not to settle or compromise my values just to have a husband.

If you have been “searching” for love and have not “found” it, or you just want to throw your hands up when it comes to relationships, reading The Love Lies may give you a different perspective.  Love starts with YOU.  Give yourself a fresh perspective and start getting rid of all those lies society has told us.  While we all form our own opinions based on our realities, it never hurts to look at another way of thinking.  Decide for yourself.  Get a preview of the book on the next teleconference call on April 16, 2015.  I have included links below for the book, the teleconference, and Divine Diamond Ministries.

Photo Courtesy of Debrena Jackson Gandy, Million Dollar Mentor
Photo Courtesy of Debrena Jackson Gandy, Million Dollar Mentor

Get your copy of The Love Lies: http://www.amazon.com/Debrena-Jackson-Gandy/e/B000APHO9U

Follow Debrena Jackson Gandy on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Debrena-Jackson-Gandy/141807847439

To learn more about Lougenia Trailblazer Rucker and Divine Diamond Ministries, join her community and/or attend the next FREE teleconference on April 16, 2015: http://divinediamondsministries.ning.com/

Join Divine Diamond Ministries on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/243382975782600/

Stick to Your Dating Rules!

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

Most of us have our own rules we go by when doing online dating.  I recently broke two of mine on one date, with disastrous results!

The first thing about dating is that we need to know and understand ourselves.  I do.  However, I tend to be open-minded and try hard not to judge people.  I applied these principles and went against my own guidelines I set for myself in online dating.  The two rules I broke are not to date guys with tattoos because I find them slightly revolting and do not understand marrying the body in such a way.  It’s not that I find all tattoos unappealing if they are done tastefully, but I am not a fan of the vast majority of them, so I tend to steer clear of what I find unattractive (as most everyone does).

The second rule I broke was not to date any man who has a photo of himself without a shirt.  Sorry, guys.  While there are a few women who are okay with this, most women I speak to on this subject do NOT want to see shirtless photos on a man’s online dating profile.  I am one of them.  Allow me to explain.  While you may argue that men are shirtless at the beach and it is acceptable, unless I see you at a beach, I do not need to see you without a shirt on.  Most women are online looking for a decent respectable man.  We want to feel you are one.

Okay, so back to my date.  He was not a guy I would typically date.  He had large tattoos across his shoulders and down his arms in his shirtless boating photos.  Okay, so now you may be thinking what is wrong with a shirtless boating photo.  Nothing, if you are sharing it with friends or on Facebook.  However, it is not necessary to post this type of photo on a dating site.  I get that you worked hard to get those abs and are proud of all that hard work, but putting it out there like that can also mean you are shallow – not a positive image to present.  You may be proud of that boat you own – that’s great!  Talk about it in your bio – most of you could use a little more meat in your bio, anyway!

When I arrived on my date, I found my date waiting for me at the bar as he said he would be.  I walked over and introduced myself (I am not shy).  When I sat down he asked how I recognized him.  I said he looked like his photos (thankfully, because sometimes they don’t).  He went on to say he was not sure if I would recognize him and maybe if he took his shirt off he would look more like his pictures.  I politely ignored this statement and kept the conversation going.  He made two more references to taking his shirt off and asked if I wanted to see him without his shirt on – I answered with a firm NO!  Look dude, I just met you and at this point, I don’t even like you, and you are not making a good impression on me!

As the conversation progressed, we started talking about movies and seeing movies in the theater. He then asked me if I ever saw a particular movie.  I stated no.  He said we could watch it, but not in the theater – we could rent it.  Um…really? We just met.  Do you really think I am going anywhere alone with you?? And now you are really creeping me out!!

At this point, I was more than a little annoyed at his antics.  I steered the conversation to expectations.  Explaining to him that my expectations are to find a man who wants to get to know ME – the me I refer to is between my ears.  Me, the human being;  me, the woman;  me, the person – NOT the objectification of an outward shell of who I am.  To this, he argued that I am all wrong in my thinking and there is no man who will want to get to know me and not have sex.  Really?  I beg to differ.  I have met many respectable men over the years.  I certainly did not need this guy, who was more annoying than anything.

So what did I do next?  Well, since I knew what he had in mind and what was NOT going to happen, I did the one thing that was a surefire way to get rid of him – I told him I was a born-again virgin!  I sure did!  Well, I never saw a guy hightail it out of a date so fast.  He actually left me sitting at the bar by myself.  He did pay – but stiffed the bartender of a tip.  This was a first for me – I have NEVER had a guy skip out on a date before.  Hey, but there is always a first.

I had to laugh at the situation.  We always hear of things like this, but when it actually happens, it becomes laughable.  I stayed and chatted with the people around me.  The ladies sitting next to me thought my date and I were on different levels – we were.  The couple sitting on the other side who took his seat were glad they had each other and not dating anymore. The best part?  When I was sitting there chatting with the lovely people around me, I received a message from my date.  The message read, “I thought the date was going well.  You sure know how to ruin it.”   Wow!  Really?  He thought that was a good date?

From the minute I sat down, it was not a good date for me.  In the hour we were there he drank 2 beers and one shot – a little excessive for a first date and in under an hour, I think (he also told me he drank one before he left his house).  I had to field inappropriate remarks the whole conversation and it was clear we had little in common.  But for him, it was a good date?  I cannot imagine.  I am sure he sent that message so he could feel better about himself, and that is okay.  I don’t really put much credence to his message.  He was clearly not for me.

Back to the drawing board – and I will be sticking to my dating rules from now on!  No more exceptions.

Have you ever broken your rules and had something like this happen?  I would love to hear other people’s stories!

In Dating, You Need to Show Up!

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

A few months ago, I met a man at a business meeting.  He seemed really nice and we hit it off right away.  He left early and I thought I would never hear from him again.  However, that was not the case.  He found me on Facebook and we started talking.  A little while later, we went on a date.

He was such a gentleman on our date and we had loads to talk about.  The conversation was easy and there seemed to be a mutual interest.  At the end of the date, he was a perfect gentleman and walked me to my car.  We talked for a few more minutes and parted ways, agreeing we both wanted to see each other again.

Before we went out, he let me know that he had a trip planned to the Bahamas for a few weeks.  So, after our date, he went on vacation.  Lucky him!!  While in the Bahamas, he sent me a beautiful picture of a beach!  Oh, how nice that would be!!  I was surprised to actually hear from him while he was on vacation, and took this as a positive sign.  After all, most men would not take time out of a vacation to think of someone they had one date with!

However, we had not planned a second date, and he still needed to call me when he returned.  When things like this happen and a second date is not or cannot be planned, for whatever reason, beware!  Boy, did I learn that one!

When he returned, he did call me!  I was elated since I am used to online dating and the land of the one-date wonders.  We had a very nice conversation and we planned on a date for the upcoming Sunday.  We did not set an exact time, since I attend church in the morning, but we did discuss what we would do.  He said that he likes to go to movies on Sundays, and would I mind doing that.  Well, no.  I love movies and don’t attend many these days!  I was really looking forward to seeing a movie and getting to know this man better and hearing all about his trip.

So Sunday arrived, and when I got home from church I started working while waiting to hear from him.  Well, that never happened.  He never called.

I had so many things to do that day.  I was invited to three different events, and my grass needed to be mowed.  However, since I had not committed to any of those things yet, I committed myself to another date with him.

I was furious!  How dare he tell me we will be doing something and then not show up or call! It would not have been a big deal, except that I had other things I wanted to do, but did not do them due to our plans to see a movie.  How rude and inconsiderate of him to leave me sitting and waiting to go on a date that never happened.  Unless he or an immediate family member died, there is just no excuse good enough to make up for leaving someone sitting there waiting to go on a date.

Now, you are probably wondering why I did not call him at this point.  Well, I don’t call men, unless I am in a relationship with a man.  I will not run after a man – ever.  From my observations, if a man is not interested in a woman, he will stray.  So there is no point in chasing after them.  Now there does need to be mutual interest, but it really makes no difference how interested the woman is if the man is not interested.  She may get some dates, and he may sleep with her, but she will surely get her heart broken when he moves on to someone he is truly interested in.    I am too old for all this drama and, quite frankly, just don’t have the time for it.  This is why I will never chase after a man.

We are still “friends” on Facebook.  However, there is little this man can do to make this up to me.  There are just very few excuses that would be acceptable at this point.  He has not contacted me since then, which leads me to believe he is either not interested or found someone new.  Either way, it is okay.  But it should have been communicated.  I am a big girl, I can handle this!  Not showing up is unacceptable.   I am a person with feelings and things to do.  Be considerate and call (or even text if you aren’t man enough).  Do something!  Don’t just let someone sit there waiting to go on a date.  That is wrong on so many levels.  In dating, you need to show up!

My Dating High Horse

Published on by Lisa Balthaser5 Comments

“Get off your high horse!”

This line was used on me on a dating website a few months ago, so I feel the need to address it.  In dating, as in all things in life, we all have expectations and hopes.  We all have things we look for, things we want in our lives, and things we know we don’t.  The fact of the matter is, we SHOULD have these things.  Otherwise, how would we ever know what we want in our lives or what we need to do to get there?

On many dating profiles, I specifically state not to contact me if (I list a few things).  The reason I do this is that I don’t want to waste others’ time or my own.  There are just some things that are not negotiable, so why not just put them out there?  It makes no sense to spend time communicating with someone who has different relationship expectations than yourself.  Sure, they COULD change their mind, but why waste time on COULD, when there are people who already KNOW.  Quite frankly, at this age, I don’t have the time or patience for COULD.  And that’s really my point.

What I find sort of amusing is the fact that someone would waste time contacting me to actually state how they feel, even though they know there is no chance of ever meeting me.  Why would they spend their valuable time even doing that?  Don’t they have more productive things to spend their time on?  And therein lies one of the stark differences between them and me.  This is who someone is at the core, and this difference makes ALL the difference in relationships.

So what was written to me?  Well, a man thought it appropriate to write to me to tell me that maybe I belong on one of those elite dating sites.  He went on to say that I need to get off my high horse (among other things).  Now normally, I would not respond to someone who was clearly wasting my time, but I felt inclined to respond to let him know a few key things.  First, maybe he is right.  Maybe I do belong on an elite dating site.  Is he volunteering to pay for one?

Second, I pointed out to him how silly it was for him to be so upset by the standards I hold for myself and my life.  The reason he was so upset was that it clearly counted him out.  What I found interesting was the fact that this upset him.  He did not know me, so why would it even matter?  If I hold expectations for my life and my future husband that differ from his, it is a clear indication that we are not meant for each other.  Why not just move on?  After all, dating sites are like candy stores for many men.  It just does not make sense to want someone who is not for you when there are hundreds (or even thousands) more who could be for you.  It is a time waste and inefficient use of the tools available for actually finding the right person.

The third thing I pointed out to him was that the only reason he was upset is that he was not included in the type of man I would want.  One thing I always find annoying in dating is that men see a woman and think they want her, but take no time in determining if they really do want her, the real person.  Many men base this decision on looks without considering who she really is – and this is my whole point in putting my expectations out there.  After spending many of my younger years with men who thought they wanted to be with me, only to find out they really only wanted the arm candy and not the real me, I am focusing only on the real me.  Men will still contact me based on looks alone, but if they go on to actually read my profile, they will know I will not respond to any comments on looks. This man actually did read my profile, but didn’t like what he read because it counted him out – but at least he did the due diligence of reading it!  Kudos to him for that!

The last thing I pointed out to him was that just the fact that he contacted me to basically tell me off when he did not even know me, is enough for me to know that he was not the kind of man I was looking for.  My main point to him was really that if he would put that much effort into the right woman, he will find the right one and the bitterness that was clear in his contact with me would disappear.  As in all things in life, we need to put our efforts into what makes sense, not what does not.

My high horse will stand on its four long legs.  Everyone has standards, including me.  I have seen many unhappy marriages because people have compromised their standards just to have someone in their life.  While we all do essentially want that love and connection, we should not have to compromise ourselves to have it.  I will ride my horse into the sunset of life.  My hopes and dreams will live on.  Dreams do not die if you keep them alive!