Tag: Emotional baggage

Are You Seeking Love Based on The Love Lies?

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

This past week I had the distinct pleasure of attending a teleconference based on the book The Love Lies by Debrena Jackson Gandy.  I had no idea what to expect since I have attended calls on this subject matter in the past and have come away disappointed in them.  I attended this call because it was part of my friend Lougenia Trailblazer Rucker of Divine Diamond Ministries’ Wisdom Speaks Series.  This time I was pleasantly surprised by the information discussed, as I should have expected from this knockout duo!

Debrena Jackson Gandy started out by talking about being a girl vs. being a woman.  I knew immediately what she was talking about.  Although most of us should know better, we tend to buy into the lies told to us by American culture and the media.  We are programmed from a very young age to see relationships and love a certain way, as fed to us by the media.  The problem is, these are but pipe dreams based little on truth.  We are told we need to find love and we need to be worthy of love.  Society tells us things should flow a certain way – and we buy it hook, line and sinker!  We are reacting to our environment and being girls (immature) instead of acting as mature women who have knowledge and truth.

You see, society teaches girls about relationships from a place of fear and scarcity.  Fear that we need to find someone before it’s too late.  Fear that if we don’t we are somehow not good enough or unlovable.  Fear that we won’t find someone.  Scarcity refers to the term soul mate, which I have previously said I do not believe in.  Soul mate implies there is one – one in a world of billions!! It implies we had better start “looking” because we have a lot of work to do if we are to find that needle in a haystack!  This was exactly my argument for not believing in a soul mate.  There is NOT just one – plain and simple.  Who created this term and who decided there was just one person for each of us in this world of billions of people?  To a logical mind, this does not make any sense.  Yet many people buy into this.

Ms. Jackson Gandy went on to say that relationships are built on love and truth.  Well, yeah, but whose truth? Her answer to that is God’s truth.  Her book The Love Lies is based on truths she found in the Bible.  The truth about how God sees relationships and love, not how we as humans degrade it to be something so much less than what it should be or what we deserve.

The next point that hit home with me was that many women feel incomplete without a man, or are told by society they are incomplete without a man.  I know this one all too well.  I must have been asked hundreds of times in my life when I am going to find a guy and get married.  My answer has always been the same.  I will get married when I find a man worthy of marrying, and that hasn’t happened yet.  The thing is, I do not need a man to complete me, to feel okay with me, or to make me feel like a woman.  Sure, I would love to get married, but ONLY to the right man.  Ms. Jackson Gandy took it even further by saying that women were a gift to man from God.  If this is the case, why do so many women devalue this fact?  We settle, give in to men’s desires, and compromise our own values for men!  Why are we not treating ourselves like the true gift we are?  If we dig deep and really look at how God created us, we would know we are a true gift.  My big take from this part of the discussion is that we should never, ever allow men to not treat us as a gift.  So many of us do.  We need to stop!

Since I have always taken the stance of courtship and respect, I was thrilled to hear someone else agree with my position on these things.  I have been ridiculed many times over my position on relationships and marriage.  That is okay, though, because these are all personal decisions based on what we decide is a real truth.  Compromise should never be an option. Having a relationship that is not what it should be should not be an option either.  I hold my position not to settle or compromise my values just to have a husband.

If you have been “searching” for love and have not “found” it, or you just want to throw your hands up when it comes to relationships, reading The Love Lies may give you a different perspective.  Love starts with YOU.  Give yourself a fresh perspective and start getting rid of all those lies society has told us.  While we all form our own opinions based on our realities, it never hurts to look at another way of thinking.  Decide for yourself.  Get a preview of the book on the next teleconference call on April 16, 2015.  I have included links below for the book, the teleconference, and Divine Diamond Ministries.

Photo Courtesy of Debrena Jackson Gandy, Million Dollar Mentor
Photo Courtesy of Debrena Jackson Gandy, Million Dollar Mentor

Get your copy of The Love Lies: http://www.amazon.com/Debrena-Jackson-Gandy/e/B000APHO9U

Follow Debrena Jackson Gandy on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Debrena-Jackson-Gandy/141807847439

To learn more about Lougenia Trailblazer Rucker and Divine Diamond Ministries, join her community and/or attend the next FREE teleconference on April 16, 2015: http://divinediamondsministries.ning.com/

Join Divine Diamond Ministries on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/243382975782600/

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My Dating High Horse

Published on by Lisa Balthaser5 Comments

“Get off your high horse!”

This line was used on me on a dating website a few months ago, so I feel the need to address it.  In dating, as in all things in life, we all have expectations and hopes.  We all have things we look for, things we want in our lives, and things we know we don’t.  The fact of the matter is, we SHOULD have these things.  Otherwise, how would we ever know what we want in our lives or what we need to do to get there?

On many dating profiles, I specifically state not to contact me if (I list a few things).  The reason I do this is that I don’t want to waste others’ time or my own.  There are just some things that are not negotiable, so why not just put them out there?  It makes no sense to spend time communicating with someone who has different relationship expectations than yourself.  Sure, they COULD change their mind, but why waste time on COULD, when there are people who already KNOW.  Quite frankly, at this age, I don’t have the time or patience for COULD.  And that’s really my point.

What I find sort of amusing is the fact that someone would waste time contacting me to actually state how they feel, even though they know there is no chance of ever meeting me.  Why would they spend their valuable time even doing that?  Don’t they have more productive things to spend their time on?  And therein lies one of the stark differences between them and me.  This is who someone is at the core, and this difference makes ALL the difference in relationships.

So what was written to me?  Well, a man thought it appropriate to write to me to tell me that maybe I belong on one of those elite dating sites.  He went on to say that I need to get off my high horse (among other things).  Now normally, I would not respond to someone who was clearly wasting my time, but I felt inclined to respond to let him know a few key things.  First, maybe he is right.  Maybe I do belong on an elite dating site.  Is he volunteering to pay for one?

Second, I pointed out to him how silly it was for him to be so upset by the standards I hold for myself and my life.  The reason he was so upset was that it clearly counted him out.  What I found interesting was the fact that this upset him.  He did not know me, so why would it even matter?  If I hold expectations for my life and my future husband that differ from his, it is a clear indication that we are not meant for each other.  Why not just move on?  After all, dating sites are like candy stores for many men.  It just does not make sense to want someone who is not for you when there are hundreds (or even thousands) more who could be for you.  It is a time waste and inefficient use of the tools available for actually finding the right person.

The third thing I pointed out to him was that the only reason he was upset is that he was not included in the type of man I would want.  One thing I always find annoying in dating is that men see a woman and think they want her, but take no time in determining if they really do want her, the real person.  Many men base this decision on looks without considering who she really is – and this is my whole point in putting my expectations out there.  After spending many of my younger years with men who thought they wanted to be with me, only to find out they really only wanted the arm candy and not the real me, I am focusing only on the real me.  Men will still contact me based on looks alone, but if they go on to actually read my profile, they will know I will not respond to any comments on looks. This man actually did read my profile, but didn’t like what he read because it counted him out – but at least he did the due diligence of reading it!  Kudos to him for that!

The last thing I pointed out to him was that just the fact that he contacted me to basically tell me off when he did not even know me, is enough for me to know that he was not the kind of man I was looking for.  My main point to him was really that if he would put that much effort into the right woman, he will find the right one and the bitterness that was clear in his contact with me would disappear.  As in all things in life, we need to put our efforts into what makes sense, not what does not.

My high horse will stand on its four long legs.  Everyone has standards, including me.  I have seen many unhappy marriages because people have compromised their standards just to have someone in their life.  While we all do essentially want that love and connection, we should not have to compromise ourselves to have it.  I will ride my horse into the sunset of life.  My hopes and dreams will live on.  Dreams do not die if you keep them alive!

Identifying Sources of Conflict

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

By the time we reach our 40’s, most of us are fairly set in our ways.  We have lived full lives and experienced many things, both good and bad.  Dating at this stage in life and beyond can pose some interesting challenges as we try to blend lives together that were very set by themselves.  When I am evaluating a man, I think a lot about lifestyle and personality.  While I am fairly active, work out, like to do outdoor activities, someone who is at the gym every day, is an avid attendee and player of sports, and likes camping may not be the right guy for me.  While there is nothing wrong with having some differences here, each person really needs to evaluate how lifestyle and habits can create conflict, and just how big that conflict could potentially be.  While we cannot avoid some conflict in relationships, if we are honest with ourselves, we can certainly avoid major issues that could destroy a potential future together.  I tend to take a more practical and systematic approach to this than many people, so if you choose to loosen the reigns on this one a little, go with what you feel is right for you.

Some things to consider when thinking about conflict are  ethics, values, and integrity.  This is basically the core of who we are as individuals, and very important when considering a relationship with someone.  For instance, I once had a man lie on his online dating profile about his age – and not by a little, either!  He was 8 years older than he claimed to be and he was already 2 years older than I usually consider date material for me at the age he told me!  I was at the restaurant a full half hour before I realized he had been standing right next to me and looked nothing like the guy I thought I was meeting.  Men (and women), really, if you are intending on meeting someone who you want to potentially have a future with, you cannot start out with a lie before you even meet them!!  And please, please, please look at least somewhat like the picture you post on your online profile.  My philosophy on this is I do not have time to waste on dating someone I would not consider a relationship with, so why waste my time and theirs.  It does not make any sense.   Starting off with a lie cannot lead to anything promising.  Beware if this happens to you and they try to explain it away with well concocted stories.  I would not buy it, and you should not either.   Honesty and integrity are things we all want in a potential partner, and there is just no excuse for blatant lies.

We also need to look at how ethical someone is.  For instance, how do they deal with their bills?  Are they paid on time?  Are they conscientious of making sure that happens?  Do they spend frivolously?  Do they have car insurance (in some cities this is something you may want to consider checking).  If someone is always looking to get over on the system, is that someone you really want in your life? Is it a lifestyle you would consider living?  All of these things are just some examples of some basic core values. There are many others you may want to consider.

 By taking the time to identify potential sources of major conflicts now, you are saving yourself from potential future headaches and heartache.  We only get one life, so why not spend it with the people who are headed in the same direction as you are?  There is no race to find your Mr. Maybe.  It may take some time.  The important thing here is that you do not lower your standards to live a life that compromises who you are and does not make you happy.  Dating after 40 is hard!  We all have some sort of baggage at this point, but there are some really wonderful men out there and they are worth waiting for!  Run through life with a smile on your face and happiness in your heart.  Take the time to weed out the things you know will create conflict.  Live a better and fuller life – even if that means for now you are spending it with your girlfriends!  Mr. Maybe is worth the wait, don’t settle for Mr. Wrong!

How Much Clutter Do You Have?

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

Clutter2What is clutter?  Merriam Webster defines clutter as “a crowded or confused mass or collection.”  So what does that have to do with dating?  A LOT!  While most of us think of clutter as something we have in our home, what we may not realize is that we all carry around mental and emotional clutter – the collection of  life experiences that clogs our brains and prevents us from moving forward with our lives in a healthy way.  Think about it this way – what often happens in the home of someone who has a lot of clutter?  They tend to become complacent and the clutter starts to accumulate.  This can happen in our brains, also, if we are not paying attention.

In verb form, to clutter means “to fill or cover with scattered or disordered things that impede movement or reduce effectiveness.” With this definition, it is easy to see how clutter would prevent us from successfully finding the right person for us.  Our brains can be scattered and disordered, which prevents us from moving forward to the right person.  Did you ever notice that some people date people who are very similar to a previous partner?  The same issues arise in the new relationship as they did in previous relationships.  Well, this is because they are not moving forward and are stuck in their own clutter.  Having a lot of clutter absolutely reduces our effectiveness in finding the right partner because there is no room in our brains to properly process the reality of the other person.  Our brains contain so much chaos, excess, and frustration, and it overwhelms us to come to the right conclusion because we cannot even find room in our heads for all the information we need to make that decision.

Clutter Cloud

So what is all this clutter that is clogging our senses and making us unable to logically find the right person?  Some of it is baggage from our past and emotional baggage we gain throughout our lives and have never dealt with.  Some of it is from our daily lives, which tend to be a lot busier than they were a few decades ago.  We are so busy today with so much on our plates, we rarely take the time to assess all the “stuff” we are carrying around that is preventing us from living our fullest lives.  Some never even give this a thought.

I know when I was younger, I never realized all the emotional baggage I carried from my childhood.  It took me until well into my 30’s to understand it all and where it all came from.  But once we realize that it is there and what form it takes, we need to understand it and recognize exactly how it is manifesting itself into our lives today.  Some of us may need to seek professional help to really get to the core, but if that is not an option, understanding that it is there will at least help some.  I challenge you to assess what your clutter is.  Write it down!  If you are not finding the relationship you want, more than likely you are carrying around some kind of clutter that is preventing you from finding what you need!  It is important that you take time to really be alone and honestly assess the emotional clutter that is preventing you from living a happy life.  You only have things to gain by truly understanding what is blocking you from your dream of a healthy and fulfilling relationship!  Throw as much of the clutter out the door as you can!  There may be some left, but we will explore that. too!