My Dating High Horse

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“Get off your high horse!”

This line was used on me on a dating website a few months ago, so I feel the need to address it.  In dating, as in all things in life, we all have expectations and hopes.  We all have things we look for, things we want in our lives, and things we know we don’t.  The fact of the matter is, we SHOULD have these things.  Otherwise, how would we ever know what we want in our lives or what we need to do to get there?

On many dating profiles, I specifically state not to contact me if (I list a few things).  The reason I do this is because I don’t want to waste others time, or my own.  There are just some things that are not negotiable, so why not just put it out there?  It makes no sense to spend time communicating with someone who has different relationship expectations than yourself.  Sure, they COULD change their mind, but why waste time on COULD, when there are people who already KNOW.  Quite frankly, at this age I don’t have the time or patience for COULD.  And that’s really my point.

What I find sort of amusing is the fact that someone would waste time contacting me to actually state how they feel, even though they know there is no chance of ever meeting me.  Why would they spend their valuable time even doing that?  Don’t they have more productive things to spend their time on?  And therein lies one of the stark differences between them and me.  This is who someone is at the core, and this difference makes ALL the difference in relationships.

So what was written to me?  Well, a man thought it appropriate to write to me to tell me that maybe I belong on one of those elite dating sites.  He went on to say that I need to get off my high horse (among other things).  Now normally, I would not respond to someone who was clearly wasting my time, but I felt inclined to respond to let him know a few key things.  First, maybe he is right.  Maybe I do belong on an elite dating site.  Is he volunteering to pay for one?

Second, I pointed out to him how silly it was for him to be so upset by the standards I hold for myself and my life.  The reason he was so upset was because it clearly counted him out.  What I found interesting was the fact that this upset him.  He did not know me, so why would it even matter?  If I hold expectations for my life and my future husband that differ from his, it is a clear indication that we are not meant for each other.  Why not just move on?  After all, dating sites are like candy stores for many men.  It just does not make sense to want someone who is not for you when there are hundreds (or even thousands) more who could be for you.  It is a time waster and an inefficient use of the tools available for actually finding that right person.

The third thing I pointed out to him was that the only reason he was upset is because he was not included in the type of man I would want.  One thing I always find annoying in dating is that men see a woman and think they want her, but take no time in determining if they really do want her, the real person.  Many men base this decision on looks without considering who she really is – and this is my whole point in putting my expectations out there.  After spending many of my younger years with men who thought they wanted to be with me, only to find out they really only wanted the arm candy and not the real me, I am focusing only on the real me.  Men will still contact me based on  looks alone, but if they go on to actually read my profile, they will know I will not respond to any comments on looks. This man actually did read my profile, but didn’t like what he read because it counted him out – but at least he did the due diligence of reading it!  Kudos to him for that!

The last thing I pointed out to him was that just the fact that he contacted me to basically tell me off when he did not even know me, is enough for me to know that he was not the kind of man I was looking for.  My main point to him was really that if he would put that much effort into the right women, he will find that right one and bitterness that was clear in his contact with me would disappear.  As in all things in life, we need to put our efforts into what makes sense, not what does not.

My high horse will stand on its four long legs.  Everyone has standards, including me.  I have seen many unhappy marriages because people have compromised their standards just to have someone in their life.  While we all do essentially want that love and connection, we should not have to compromise ourselves to have it.  I will ride my horse into the sunset of life.  My hopes and dreams will live on.  Dreams do not die if you keep them alive!

 

 

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No, I Don’t Want to Kiss You!

It is hard enough dating without any additional pressures and stresses.  First dates are even harder.  One of my rules, is that I do NOT want to kiss a complete stranger on a first date!  No way, no how!  I do not know enough about someone I just met to be any form of intimate with them, and that includes kissing.  First off, I do not know his oral hygiene, which is super important.  Second, gum disease is a bacterial infection and can be spread person to person via saliva.  I know this is not sexy, but it is fact, and I think about these things, as should you!

Men, if you just met someone, you should have enough respect for them not to kiss them or touch them inappropriately.  It is just not okay!  Women, you need to have more respect for yourselves and set boundaries to get to know someone on a personal level before you ever think of getting anywhere near physical.  Save all of that for a time when you truly know each other.  Isn’t that the point?    A good man will want to get to know you as a person and respect you enough to do that before he gets physical with you.  Do you really want that guy who wants everything right away?  Imagine how many others he has been with this way?  No, thank you!  I feel I deserve much better than that, and so do you!  I am not saying kissing is bad, I am merely saying to save it for after you know the person a little better.  What is the rush?

  I realize there are people who will totally disagree with me on this subject, and that is okay.  I write from a “lived and learned” perspective and your lessons may have been different than mine.  As I pointed out in my last post, a first date should be all about getting to know the person better, and be very conversation-oriented.  Now, if you do hold a different view, that is fine.  This is just my recommendation to finding Mr. Maybe.  Be physical too soon, and he has nothing to look forward to, so beware if your goal is finding a guy to keep.  Of course, I realize there are always exceptions.

Mr. Maybe is out there!  I would rather wait for him to arrive in my life than go through all the heartache with Mr. Wrong and waste my time.  Take the time to know who you are choosing to be with.  If he is Mr. Maybe, he will still be there.  If he goes away, then he was not the right one anyway.  Ladies, you need to set the boundaries and stick to them!  This, sadly, is up to you.  The right man will respect those boundaries and they will respect you!  You deserve that and nothing less than that!  So save that first kiss for someone special.  Waiting will make it a special and memorable moment for both of you!

Let’s have fun with this!

Blog Main ImageThis blog is for all those who find themselves dating at a time when  they thought they would be settled down and never have to think about this again!  While dating at any age can be challenging and frustrating at times, dating in your 40’s and beyond has unique challenges.  I invite readers to share their thoughts and experiences and get the conversation going!  The main focus of this blog will be finding the right person, not the nuances after a relationship has been established.

Let’s face it, by the time we get to our 40’s we all have some horror stories about dating.  Unfortunately, are we get older, it is harder to meet single people in a natural setting.  With many relying on dating web sites, it is no wonder so many of us are frustrated!  Who has not arrived for a date and not been able to locate the person they are to meet because they look nothing like the picture of the person we thought we were meeting!

Have you already given up on finding Mr. Maybe?  That’s right, I did NOT say Mr. Right.  At this age, I am not sure there is such a thing as Mr. Right, but Mr. Maybe is definitely out there!  I say Mr. Maybe because by our 40’s we have already established lives, careers, habits, and baggage (and yes, we ALL have baggage of some kind).  Even when we find that special someone who seems like the perfect match, our already established lives can get in the middle of a relationship and create all kinds of challenges we would not have had in our earlier dating years.  Let’s have fun with this subject!  After all, isn’t dating in your 40’s sometimes a comedy?  We have to laugh and enjoy our lives, so let’s do it together!