I Do What I Want

I took a break from dating for over a year.  Why? Well, because I was not interested in ANY of the men I was meeting. I was also going through many life challenges from aging parents to building my own social media marketing business.  These two things took so much of my time (and still do). However, I decided to check out my dating apps today to see if the landscape has changed at all.  I was pleasantly surprised to see a few men who look promising.  But then I came across this guy and had to come on here and write about it.

His Introduction

I will say, his introduction DID cause me to actually look deeper into his profile, so it was effective for getting his profile read.  Kudos for that. However, the sentence that got me to read more was “Some people say I am a jerk.” Okay, so this is not exactly how I would ever want to make a good impression, but it did get my attention.

I read on wondering why people think he is a jerk (think ass, as pictured).  As I started reading further, nothing stood out to make me feel like he is a jerk. That is until I came to one line:

“I Do What I Want When I Want”

Wow!  Really? If that was not bad enough, the next sentence sent him straight into the stratosphere of “No. Absolutely Not! Never in this Lifetime to eternity!” Category.

So, what was the next line? I will put it all together for you: “I do what I want when I want.  You will also do what I want when I want.” Wow.  I have never seen such a selfish, self-centered statement on a dating profile – and I have seen a lot of dating profiles over the years. So, let’s take a look at this statement as it pertains to dating and finding a relationship.

Middle Aged Singles Do What They Want

Okay, so once someone has reached what is considered middle age, most have lived a lot and are used to basically doing what they want and many times when they want. Many have children who have already left the home and they have a new found freedom and for some a second adolescence. All of this is great.  It is liberating to have this type of freedom.

However, If one chooses to enter into a relationship they MUST consider the other person and they MUST be willing to actually be in a relationship, not a dictatorship. By stating this is his profile, this guy was clearly claiming his perceived authority over any woman entering into a relationship with him. To me, this is a huge red flag for abuse.

Anyone who needs to state an authority over another is weak.  They are weak in character. It shows they lack compassion for others, and their sole agenda is them. Quite frankly, I don’t see why ANYONE would date someone who would make such a statement. But I am sure there are people out there who either do not read profiles, ignore what is right in front of them or think they will change him.  Doing any of those will more than likely end in disaster.

While this guy (and many others) may be used to doing what they want when they want, if they are truly looking for a relationship, there has to be some give on that.  One MUST consider the other person in the relationship.  They are just as important as you are. Relationships are give and take, and there must be room for compromise and communication if they are to work.

Red Flag Issues

As someone who has endured both physical and emotional abuse in a relationship, I am very attuned to red flags for abuse. If you see red flags in a profile or conversation before you meet someone, please don’t brush it off.  Sometimes these little clues are just a glimpse of a much larger problem.  Once you are emotionally invested in the person it is a lot harder to extract yourself from the situation.

Here are some of the things I look for in profiles and communication prior to meeting someone:

  • Exerting dominance (see above)
  • Sex as one of their interests and can’t live without (this MAY signal an addiction)
  • Someone who is focused only on looks
  • Excessive drinking photos or mostly photos taken in bars (a true indication of lifestyle)
  • Someone who has a problem with your schedule or tries to convince you to see them sooner than you are able (this indicated they want to control or are needy). If they have a problem with your schedule now, imagine what it will be like later.
  • Someone who states in their profile they only want to spend time with you (are they really that needy?).
  • Anyone who asks for additional photos/full body photos if you already have photos on your profile.
  • Anyone who has not taken the time to fill out their profile
  • Anyone who does not have a photo of themselves on their profile (what are they hiding from?)
  • Anyone who states to only call them at work (probably married or in a committed relationship)
  • Anyone who wants to pick you up or for you to pick them up, as opposed to meeting in a public place (be very careful).

While there are many more things to consider, these are just a few of the things to be aware of when dating online.  There are many more that involve the actual date.

The best thing to do is screen well and ask questions prior to meeting someone.  Have a set of questions that you typically ask everyone.  These should be things that are important to you and are nonnegotiables.

Steer clear of this guy (the one in the photo above) and Happy Dating!

The Muppets are Sending the Wrong Message

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Poor Kermit!  He was cast aside by Miss Piggy last year and now the beloved couple is divorced.  Here he sits, crying is eyes out and alone.  Miss Piggy has moved on to find something better because Kermit was just not enough for her.

Okay, okay, so that was a little overdramatic.  However, there is a LOT wrong with the scenario that has played out by our “child-friendly” puppet friends.  Did I say child-friendly?

Being a child is hard enough.  Many grow up in less than stellar home situations with less than ideal families.  Many do not have both parents in their home and some don’t even know one of their parents.  Yes, this is the reality in America in 2016.  There is nothing child-friendly about many of our children’s home lives.  And this is exactly why I was appalled when they announced that Kermit and Miss Piggy were splitting up.

When are we going to allow our children to actually be children?  Why do we need to push them into the very harsh realities of life and not allow them to enjoy not having them?  While breakups and divorce are the norm in many households, they wreak havoc on children’s lives, sometimes to the point of no repair.

Children will always want their parents to be together, or get back together – at least initially.  Children need to believe there is good in this world.  They need to feel safe and secure in their homes so they can become stable and properly functioning adults.  So what do the Muppets have to do with this?  Everything!  Everything that is wrong with our families in America.

Why can’t we allow our children to have a little piece of a wholesome family in their TV viewing?  Why does a good program that has been a favorite of children all over need to go the way of our throw-away society?

The Muppets could still have had problems, but they could have taught children the art (yes art) of good communication, compromise, COMMITMENT, and getting along with others in life.  It seems we are going to have generations going forward that have no sense of commitment – I mean TRUE commitment, not commitment that lasts only until something does not go your way or gets tough and you don’t want to put the work in to make it work.  Commitment in ANYTHING has been on the decline.  No wonder with our narcissistic self-serving society.  We have enough problems in our society without creating this mindset in children.

I realize this is a dating blog, so let’s get back to that.  Adults my age have a commitment problem, and we grew up in a far different world. It is difficult, even for me, to find a man who is genuinely committed to making a relationship and a marriage work – NO MATTER WHAT!  Life is not perfect, and life is many times very hard – that is the time to pull together and lean on each other.  Is it easy? No.  Can it create enough tension in a marriage to break that marriage up? Yes -UNLESS both parties are 100% committed to the marriage itself (notice I did not say each other, but the marriage itself). And that is why I have a huge problem with Kermit and Miss Piggy breaking up.  We should be teaching our children what it takes to make relationships work! This is what we should be teaching our children, instead of showing them it is okay to bail out when times get tough – IT IS NEVER OKAY!

So when these children grow up, they are not going to understand TRUE commitment.  They are probably not even going to see the kind of commitment that it takes to make a marriage last a lifetime.  That makes me sad.  Very sad.

Are You Seeking Love Based on The Love Lies?

Photo Courtesy of Debrena Jackson Gandy, Million Dollar Mentor
Photo Courtesy of Debrena Jackson Gandy, Million Dollar Mentor

This past week I had the distinct pleasure of attending a teleconference based on the book The Love Lies by Debrena Jackson Gandy.  I had no idea what to expect since I have attended calls on this subject matter in the past and have come away disappointed in them.  I attended this call because it was part of my friend Lougenia Trailblazer Rucker of Divine Diamond Ministries’ Wisdom Speaks Series.  This time I was pleasantly surprised by the information discussed, as I should have expected from this knockout duo!

Debrena Jackson Gandy started out by talking about being a girl vs.being a woman.  I knew immediately what she was talking about.  Although most of us should know better, we tend to buy into the lies told to us by American culture and the media.  We are programmed from a very young age to see relationships and love a certain way, as fed to us by the media.  The problem is, these are but pipe dreams based little on truth.  We are told we need to find love and we need to be worthy of love.  Society tells us things should flow a certain way – and we buy it hook, line and sinker!  We are reacting to our environment and being girls (immature) instead of acting as mature women who have knowledge and truth.

You see, society teaches girls about relationships from a place of fear and scarcity.  Fear that we need to find someone before it’s too late.  Fear that if we don’t we are somehow not good enough or unlovable.  Fear that we won’t find someone.  Scarcity refers to the term soul mate, which I have previously said I do not believe in.  Soul mate implies there is one – one in a world of billions!! It implies we had better start “looking” because we have a lot of work to do if we are to find that needle in a haystack!  This was exactly my argument for not believing in a soul mate.  There is NOT just one – plain and simple.  Who created this term and who decided there was just one person for each of us in this world of billions of people?  To a logical mind, this does not make any sense.  Yet many people buy into this.

Ms. Jackson Gandy went on to say that relationships are built on love and truth.  Well, yeah, but whose truth? Her answer to that is God’s truth.  Her book The Love Lies is based on truths she found in the Bible.  The truth about how God sees relationships and love, not how we as humans degrade it to be something so much less than what it should be or what we deserve.

The next point that hit home with me was that many women feel incomplete without a man, or are told by society they are incomplete without a man.  I know this one all too well.  I must have been asked hundreds of times in my life when I am going to find a guy and get married.  My answer has always been the same.  I will get married when I find a man worthy of marrying, and that hasn’t happened yet.  The thing is, I do not need a man to complete me, to feel okay with me, or to make me feel like a woman.  Sure, I would love to get married, but ONLY to the right man.  Ms. Jackson Gandy took it even farther by saying that women were a gift to man from God.  If this is the case, why do so many women devalue this fact?  We settle, give in to men’s desires, and compromise our own values for men!  Why are we not treating ourselves like the true gift we are?  If we dig deep and really look at how God created us, we would know we are a true gift.  My big take from this part of the discussion is that we should never, ever allow men to not treat us as a gift.  So many of us do.  We need to stop!

Since I have always taken the stance of courtship and respect, I was thrilled to hear someone else agree with my position on these things.  I have been ridiculed many times over my position on relationships and marriage.  That is okay, though, because these are all personal decisions based on what we decide is a real truth.  Compromise should never be an option. Having a relationship that is not what it should be should not be an option either.  I hold my position not to settle or compromise my values just to have a husband.

If you have been “searching” for love and have not “found” it, or you just want to throw your hands up when it comes to relationships, reading The Love Lies may give you a different perspective.  Love starts with YOU.  Give yourself a fresh perspective and start getting rid of all those lies society has told us.  While we all form our own opinions based on our realities, it never hurts to look at another way of thinking.  Decide for yourself.  Get a preview of the book on the next teleconference call on April 16, 2015.  I have included links below for the book, the teleconference and Divine Diamond Ministries.

Photo Courtesy of Debrena Jackson Gandy, Million Dollar Mentor
Photo Courtesy of Debrena Jackson Gandy, Million Dollar Mentor

Get your copy of The Love Lies: http://www.amazon.com/Debrena-Jackson-Gandy/e/B000APHO9U

Follow Debrena Jackson Gandy on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Debrena-Jackson-Gandy/141807847439

To learn more about Lougenia Trailblazer Rucker and Divine Diamond Ministries, join her community and/or attend the next FREE teleconference on April 16, 2015: http://divinediamondsministries.ning.com/

Join Divine Diamond Ministries on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/243382975782600/

In Dating, You Need to Show Up!

  A few months ago, I met a man at a business meeting.  He seemed really nice and we hit it off right away.  He left early and I thought I would never hear from him again.  However, that was not the case.  He found me on Facebook and we started talking.  A little while later, we went on a date.

He was such a gentleman on our date and we had loads to talk about.  The conversation was easy and there seemed to be a mutual interest.  At the end of the date, he was a perfect gentleman and walked me to my car.  We talked for a few more minutes and parted ways, agreeing we both wanted to see each other again.

Before we went out, he let me know that he had a trip planned to the Bahamas for a few weeks.  So, after our date, he went on vacation.  Lucky him!!  While in the Bahamas, he sent me a beautiful picture of a beach!  Oh, how nice that would be!!  I was surprised to actually hear from him while he was on vacation, and took this as a positive sign.  After all, most men would not take time out of a vacation to think of someone they had one date with!

However, we had not planned a second date, and he still needed to call me when he returned.  When things like this happen and a second date is not or cannot be planned, for whatever reason, beware!  Boy, did I learn that one!

When he returned, he did call me!  I was elated, since I am used to online dating and the land of the one date wonders.  We had a very nice conversation and we planned on a date for the upcoming Sunday.  We did not set an exact time, since I attend church in the morning, but we did discuss what we would do.  He said that he likes to go to movies on Sundays, and would I mind doing that.  Well, no.  I love movies and don’t attend many these days!  I was really looking forward to seeing a movie and getting to know this man better and hear all about his trip.

So Sunday arrived, and when I got home from church I started working while waiting to hear from him.  Well, that never happened.  He never called.

I had so many things to do that day.  I was invited to three different events, and my grass needed to be mowed.  However, since I had not committed to any of those things yet, I committed myself to another date with him.

I was furious!  How dare he tell me we will be doing something and then not show up or call! It would not have been a big deal, except that I had other things I wanted to do, but did not do them due to our plans to see a movie.  How rude and inconsiderate of him to leave me sitting waiting to go on a date that never happened.  Unless he, or an immediate family member died, there is just no excuse good enough to make up for leaving someone sitting there waiting to go on a date.

Now, you are probably wondering why I did not call him at this point.  Well, I don’t call men, unless I am in a relationship with a man.  I will not run after a man – ever.  From my observations, if a man is not interested in a woman, he will stray.  So there is no point in chasing after them.  Now there does need to be mutual interest, but it really makes no difference how interested the woman is if the man is not interested.  She may get some dates, he may sleep with her, but she will surely get her heart broken when he moves onto someone he is truly interested in.    I am too old for all this drama and, quite frankly, just don’t have the time for it.  This is why I will never chase after a man.

We are still “friends” on Facebook.  However, there is little this man can do to make this up to me.  There are just very few excuses that would be acceptable at this point.  He has not contacted me since then, which leads me to believe he is either not interested or found someone new.  Either way, it is okay.  But it should have been communicated.  I am a big girl, I can handle this!  Not showing up is unacceptable.   I am a person with feelings and things to do.  Be considerate and call (or even text if you aren’t man enough).  Do something!  Don’t just let someone sit there waiting to go on a date.  That is wrong on so many levels.  In dating, you need to show up!

 

 

My Dating High Horse

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“Get off your high horse!”

This line was used on me on a dating website a few months ago, so I feel the need to address it.  In dating, as in all things in life, we all have expectations and hopes.  We all have things we look for, things we want in our lives, and things we know we don’t.  The fact of the matter is, we SHOULD have these things.  Otherwise, how would we ever know what we want in our lives or what we need to do to get there?

On many dating profiles, I specifically state not to contact me if (I list a few things).  The reason I do this is because I don’t want to waste others time, or my own.  There are just some things that are not negotiable, so why not just put it out there?  It makes no sense to spend time communicating with someone who has different relationship expectations than yourself.  Sure, they COULD change their mind, but why waste time on COULD, when there are people who already KNOW.  Quite frankly, at this age I don’t have the time or patience for COULD.  And that’s really my point.

What I find sort of amusing is the fact that someone would waste time contacting me to actually state how they feel, even though they know there is no chance of ever meeting me.  Why would they spend their valuable time even doing that?  Don’t they have more productive things to spend their time on?  And therein lies one of the stark differences between them and me.  This is who someone is at the core, and this difference makes ALL the difference in relationships.

So what was written to me?  Well, a man thought it appropriate to write to me to tell me that maybe I belong on one of those elite dating sites.  He went on to say that I need to get off my high horse (among other things).  Now normally, I would not respond to someone who was clearly wasting my time, but I felt inclined to respond to let him know a few key things.  First, maybe he is right.  Maybe I do belong on an elite dating site.  Is he volunteering to pay for one?

Second, I pointed out to him how silly it was for him to be so upset by the standards I hold for myself and my life.  The reason he was so upset was because it clearly counted him out.  What I found interesting was the fact that this upset him.  He did not know me, so why would it even matter?  If I hold expectations for my life and my future husband that differ from his, it is a clear indication that we are not meant for each other.  Why not just move on?  After all, dating sites are like candy stores for many men.  It just does not make sense to want someone who is not for you when there are hundreds (or even thousands) more who could be for you.  It is a time waster and an inefficient use of the tools available for actually finding that right person.

The third thing I pointed out to him was that the only reason he was upset is because he was not included in the type of man I would want.  One thing I always find annoying in dating is that men see a woman and think they want her, but take no time in determining if they really do want her, the real person.  Many men base this decision on looks without considering who she really is – and this is my whole point in putting my expectations out there.  After spending many of my younger years with men who thought they wanted to be with me, only to find out they really only wanted the arm candy and not the real me, I am focusing only on the real me.  Men will still contact me based on  looks alone, but if they go on to actually read my profile, they will know I will not respond to any comments on looks. This man actually did read my profile, but didn’t like what he read because it counted him out – but at least he did the due diligence of reading it!  Kudos to him for that!

The last thing I pointed out to him was that just the fact that he contacted me to basically tell me off when he did not even know me, is enough for me to know that he was not the kind of man I was looking for.  My main point to him was really that if he would put that much effort into the right women, he will find that right one and bitterness that was clear in his contact with me would disappear.  As in all things in life, we need to put our efforts into what makes sense, not what does not.

My high horse will stand on its four long legs.  Everyone has standards, including me.  I have seen many unhappy marriages because people have compromised their standards just to have someone in their life.  While we all do essentially want that love and connection, we should not have to compromise ourselves to have it.  I will ride my horse into the sunset of life.  My hopes and dreams will live on.  Dreams do not die if you keep them alive!

 

 

Can Online Dating Lead to Love?

I hopped on a few dating sites today after taking a break from them for over a year.  I was immediately reminded of all the reasons I haven’t been online seeking love.  I had so many messages to weed through that it was a bit overwhelming at first.  I soon came to realize that about a third of them were from those guys that hit on everyone and are immediately kicked off the site due to their content or sending personal contact infor through the site (one would think they would have learned this by now).

Many of the rest were one line wonders, which always perplex me.  Do men really think a “hi” will get them in good graces with anyone of substance?  And then there were the abundance of emails that simply stated something about my looks.  These always make me cringe.  Did they even read my profile?  If they had, they would know better than to send something like this since I warn them I will immediately delete those emails.  My feeling is that if they cannot take the time to see who I am as a human being, and not just what I look like, then I don’t have time to talk to them, either.

So now I was down to the last third or so.  In reading the emails and looking at the profiles, I had mixed feelings.  There are many reasons I have not been checking my dating sites for over a year, and this was a big reminder why.  Out of all the emails I received, I only replied to less than a handful – actually, only 3 to be exact.  These men I would definitely like to meet.  However, since I have not been online in over a year, some of the emails were from almost a year ago.  Okay, my bad.  In my defense, I was extremely frustrated with the men I was meeting from these sites and needed a break.

It left me wondering if love can actually be found online.  I believe it can.  The reason I believe this is because I have met some fabulous men online and have had some wonderful relationships with men I met online.  I am keeping the faith that the right one for me is out there.  I will be keeping my options open, but will not compromise who I am in finding love online.  What this means is that there will be many, many emails sent to me wasting my time that I will never respond to.  As in everything in in life, I will focus on the goal, which is getting to the right man out of the many who write saying they are interested.  For those I pass over – trust me guys, after reading some of your profiles, I know for a fact you would never be interested in me (the actual person).  While we all have our “lists” of what we are looking for, my negotiable items are many with the right person; but some things would never work.  As warmer weather is here, I am once again giving this another chance.  After all, I do believe the right one is out there somewhere!

The Marriage Dilemma

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I recently attended a singles networking event and discussion.  The topic was interesting enough, but as we went around the room I came to realize that the way I feel about relationships and marriage was quite different than others in the room.  This could be partly because I was probably the youngest person in the room.  But as I listened to others speak, I became saddened by the state of being single today.

You see, as I listened, it became abundantly clear that everyone in the room except me would be perfectly happy to either find someone to date and get along with, have a long-term relationship with, or live with.  None of these options are acceptable to me.  I want to get married.  Of course, one must go through some of the above to get there, but the singles in this room made it very clear that they had no desire to get married (again).  I left feeling very disenchanted with even the thought of dating.  Were my expectations unrealistic for someone of a certain age?  While I was younger than those present, I am considered what is solidly middle-aged.  Could someone like me find love again?  I will say, I still hold out that God has someone for me.

Listening to the conversations, most in the room have been in marriages that lasted for some length of time or were recently back in the dating scene.  As for me, I have been looking for marriage for well over 20 years, with little success.  Over the years, I have met many wonderful men and been in relationships with several.  However, it seems as though finding the RIGHT one for me has proven more challenging than I could have ever imagined.

Friends have told me things like my standards are too high, or that I should give someone a chance that clearly has qualities I would never want in my life.  So as the topic turned to things we look for in the opposite sex, this brought me back to all of those conversations with my friends.  So, are my expectations unrealistic?  As I listened to others talk about what they are looking for, I came to realize that their expectations were different because they were not looking at it from a marriage standpoint, and I was.  Since most of my friends hold the same view on marriage as those in the room, their expectations would be that of those present, also.

So why is it that most people my age want marriage?  I have asked many, and most state they have been through the wringer with their exes and don’t want to do that again.  Others state that they “don’t need a piece of paper to justify their relationship.”  Again, I disagree.  If someone truly loves me and does want to spend his life with me, he should not hesitate at that piece of paper.  If he does, I would question his commitment to me.  Now I realize some would argue this point, but I stand firmly on my belief.  It is okay if you disagree.  You see, to me marriage is sacred.  It is far more than a piece of paper and a level of commitment.  While others may not see it this way, I do.  So I will trust in my belief that the right man is out there for me.  I cannot and will not settle for less than I deserve.  I am not asking for unrealistic expectations, but simply for love and a man who is okay with making the commitment of “I do.”

For those who have said to me that marriage is not all its cracked up to be.  Well, maybe that was your marriage.  Allow me to have my own and make my own judgment on that.