Tag: Stress

Impatience Will Get You Nowhere

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

Impatience

Okay, so most folks today have used a dating app at one time or another.  If you are an attractive female, you know how many messages you can get by just signing on for a minute or two.  This is one of the main reasons I NEVER hang out on the apps.  I don’t have the time to be inundated with a dozen or two messages every time I sign in just because it put my profile at the top. Also, if I am talking to someone, I don’t generally sign in to answer other messages.  It is just the respectful thing to do.

The next time I sign in after a week or two, I am always astounded at the nastiness in some of the messages if I did not reply immediately.   Seriously, men, do you think we have nothing better to do than hanging out on a dating app all day?

Impatience is Usually NOT Attractive on Most People

Let’s face it, people are busy! Whether one has a high-stress job or has children to take care of and play taxi for or maybe has a lot of personal things on their plate.  Regardless of the reason, most people have little down time (at least most people I know).

So, the point it – respect that! First off, men, understand that most attractive women are bombarded with numerous emails on dating sites.  If we don;t answer you immediately, there could be a number of reasons, including just being busy.  Many times, this has nothing to do with you, we just did not sign on or get your message yet.

So, on my birthday a guy messaged me.  I was super busy on my birthday weekend and signing into a dating app was not a priority to me (as it is not most days).  The message was sent at 4:40 PM.  By 8:26 AM the following morning I already received a nasty message about not answering him.  The truth is, I had not even seen the message.

When I saw both messages about a week later, I could not help but wonder what would possess someone to send a second nasty message when one did not even see the first message.  My second thought was that I was grateful it played out this way.  Why? Because it sure showed this guy’s true colors, and he was definitely NOT for me. Impatience is NOT attractive on a dating site and there is no place for it there.

Assumptions Do NOT Win You Friends and Lovers

Normally, I would have just deleted his messages, but I felt compelled to message him back and point out the error of his ways (of course, I did). The main thing he did wrong was to make an assumption as to why I did not reply to him.  His assumption was incorrect, which in turn, caused his reaction to be way off base – and totally unattractive in every sense of the word.

I also shared with him some basic facts that I want to also point out to you.

  1. What does it really matter if someone does not reply? Is it going to kill you? Probably not.  As a matter of fact, many times they are just not the one for you, so it is a good thing they did not reply.
  2. Does it really matter is someone replies today, or next week? Really, guys, it doesn’t. The only reason I could see where a guy would think it mattered is if he wanted to get laid – and in that case, I will say shame on you for even thinking that is okay! It really does not matter.  Really, you will survive another day, or week, til you hear back.
  3. Nastiness has no place here.  You do not know the other person.  You have not developed a relationship with them enough to know what their situation is, so the least you can do is respect them.  Just because someone does not do what YOU want them to do does not give you the right to lash out at them or be nasty and insensitive.  If you feel it does, that says a whole lot about you, and not in a good way.

Last Word

I have met many very nice people on dating sites.  Just because I have not met the RIGHT one yet does not mean there are not great people there. Most of the men I have met are kind and decent.  I do tend to weed out guys like this one fairly quickly. That being said, I realize these sites are wading through treacherous waters at times, and not everyone there is honest, or nice, or has good intentions. However, I think the best approach to these sites is to treat the people you meet there with the same respect you would if you met them in person – unless they give you a VERY good reason not to.  If a guys ask your boob size or start getting sexually explicit in the conversation, it is time to block them.  There is no need to play their games.  There is no reason to make assumptions about them or to be nasty.  If this is not your game, then they are not for you.  Simply move on.

I took the time to reply to this guy and I gave him well-thought-out constructive advice. He may have ignored it, but there is a small chance he read my advice and gave it a fleeting thought.  I treated him like someone I could have met on the street who was having a bad day.  You never know what someone is going through.  Maybe next time he will be a little more respectful (or maybe not), but I did my part to help another human being and not treat him as he treated me. I don’t think it took any more energy than the nasty reaction he deserved from me – and that is my point. So, next time you feel someone deserves a nasty reply (and they may well deserve it), step away for a minute and consider they may just be having a bad day and if you reply, reply as if that were the case. you will feel better about yourself, and you will not be harboring anger at someone you don’t even know.

 

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Dating During the Holidays

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

Let’s face it.  The Holidays can be challenging for many singles for a variety of reasons.  Dating during these busy and sometimes stressful times can also prove challenging.  While I will not say I have answers to these issues, I would like to share some of the challenges I encounter.  By sharing, I hope this may help some others who feel as I do!

Loneliness

Singles can feel lonely on any given day, but during the Holidays this can be amplified by basic Holiday activities.  For me, watching families just out enjoying shopping, or enjoying other Holiday fun can send me into a downward spiral that I don’t want to go down.  While I am genuinely happy for these families, and especially my friends, when I see the joy they have with their families, it hits me hard that I want this also, and don’t have it.  If I dwell on this too long, I am in trouble.  The Holidays tend to make me think of all the things I don’t have that are so valuable.  

When I was younger, I was so focused on having a husband, a family, a good job, the latest fashions, a nice house, and a nice car.  Out of all of those things, there were only two that were really worth spending my time on.  Since I felt education was the key to getting all of those material things I wanted in life, I lost focus on the things that mattered to me the most – a husband and family.  I spent 10 years in the prime of my life in college to get my education while working my way up the corporate ladder.  That did not leave me time to establish a solid relationship and several were destroyed in that time because they could not be properly nurtured.  I wasted so much time on the things that really did not matter and not enough on the ones that did.  The Holidays have a way of forcing me to think of these things when I watch others enjoying the families they have, and yearning for the ones I don’t have.

Bittersweet Family Gatherings

While I love seeing my family and thoroughly enjoy the time with them, there is a real disconnect at family gatherings for me.  I listen to their banter of Christmas morning, the thrill of the children, and the gifts received by the adults, and can only wish I had someone to share those memories with.  The Holidays are essentially very sad for me – and I haven’t even touched on New Year, yet!  New Years’ Gatherings are extremely stressful, with everyone toasting with their significant others, and kissing on New Year’s Eve, and bringing in the new year with a new-found hope for their future together.  While I know my New Year will hold promises I have not yet imagined, I cannot help but be brought to my knees at the thought of having another year alone without love in my life.  Many of my single friends don’t really understand the deep desire and longing I have for being married.  Many have spent years in marriage.  I have not.  At family gatherings, I feel a little left out and forgotten.  I don’t have stories to share of Christmas morning, and I have received gifts from no one.

Someone to Enjoy Holiday Events With

Another stressful thing is going to Holiday events alone, being the third wheel, or just not going at all because you have no one to go with.  Sure, many people go to events with friends, and that is great!  I do, too!  However, some events are just not the same without a special love in your life to enjoy them with.  For someone who yearns for love, the Holidays can be a very lonely and stressful time.

Some Things That Can Help

As briefly mentioned above, there are some things you can do to alleviate stress and loneliness. Spending time with friends enjoying festivities certainly helps.  You can find Holiday singles mixers to meet others just like you!  You could do what I do and keep really busy, so you don’t have time to think about it.  While most of us try to embrace being single and making the best of it, there are times when it can get to us.  We all put on our brave faces and go out into the world, but brave faces do not change the way we feel inside.

Since this post is a little different than most of my posts, and the intention is to help others by letting them know they are not alone in how they feel, I would love to hear some things you do to manage the stress of being single during the Holidays.

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