Impatience Will Get You Nowhere

Impatience

Okay, so most folks today have used a dating app at one time or another.  If you are an attractive female, you know how many messages you can get by just signing on for a minute or two.  This is one of the main reasons I NEVER hang out on the apps.  I don’t have the time to be inundated with a dozen or two messages every time I sign in just because it put my profile at the top. Also, if I am talking to someone, I don’t generally sign in to answer other messages.  It is just the respectful thing to do.

The next time I sign in after a week or two, I am always astounded at the nastiness in some of the messages if I did not reply immediately.   Seriously, men, do you think we have nothing better to do than hanging out on a dating app all day?

Impatience is Usually NOT Attractive on Most People

Let’s face it, people are busy! Whether one has a high-stress job or has children to take care of and play taxi for or maybe has a lot of personal things on their plate.  Regardless of the reason, most people have little down time (at least most people I know).

So, the point it – respect that! First off, men, understand that most attractive women are bombarded with numerous emails on dating sites.  If we don;t answer you immediately, there could be a number of reasons, including just being busy.  Many times, this has nothing to do with you, we just did not sign on or get your message yet.

So, on my birthday a guy messaged me.  I was super busy on my birthday weekend and signing into a dating app was not a priority to me (as it is not most days).  The message was sent at 4:40 PM.  By 8:26 AM the following morning I already received a nasty message about not answering him.  The truth is, I had not even seen the message.

When I saw both messages about a week later, I could not help but wonder what would possess someone to send a second nasty message when one did not even see the first message.  My second thought was that I was grateful it played out this way.  Why? Because it sure showed this guy’s true colors, and he was definitely NOT for me. Impatience is NOT attractive on a dating site and there is no place for it there.

Assumptions Do NOT Win You Friends and Lovers

Normally, I would have just deleted his messages, but I felt compelled to message him back and point out the error of his ways (of course, I did). The main thing he did wrong was to make an assumption as to why I did not reply to him.  His assumption was incorrect, which in turn, caused his reaction to be way off base – and totally unattractive in every sense of the word.

I also shared with him some basic facts that I want to also point out to you.

  1. What does it really matter if someone does not reply? Is it going to kill you? Probably not.  As a matter of fact, many times they are just not the one for you, so it is a good thing they did not reply.
  2. Does it really matter is someone replies today, or next week? Really, guys, it doesn’t. The only reason I could see where a guy would think it mattered is if he wanted to get laid – and in that case, I will say shame on you for even thinking that is okay! It really does not matter.  Really, you will survive another day, or week, til you hear back.
  3. Nastiness has no place here.  You do not know the other person.  You have not developed a relationship with them enough to know what their situation is, so the least you can do is respect them.  Just because someone does not do what YOU want them to do does not give you the right to lash out at them or be nasty and insensitive.  If you feel it does, that says a whole lot about you, and not in a good way.

Last Word

I have met many very nice people on dating sites.  Just because I have not met the RIGHT one yet does not mean there are not great people there. Most of the men I have met are kind and decent.  I do tend to weed out guys like this one fairly quickly. That being said, I realize these sites are wading through treacherous waters at times, and not everyone there is honest, or nice, or has good intentions. However, I think the best approach to these sites is to treat the people you meet there with the same respect you would if you met them in person – unless they give you a VERY good reason not to.  If a guys ask your boob size or start getting sexually explicit in the conversation, it is time to block them.  There is no need to play their games.  There is no reason to make assumptions about them or to be nasty.  If this is not your game, then they are not for you.  Simply move on.

I took the time to reply to this guy and I gave him well-thought-out constructive advice. He may have ignored it, but there is a small chance he read my advice and gave it a fleeting thought.  I treated him like someone I could have met on the street who was having a bad day.  You never know what someone is going through.  Maybe next time he will be a little more respectful (or maybe not), but I did my part to help another human being and not treat him as he treated me. I don’t think it took any more energy than the nasty reaction he deserved from me – and that is my point. So, next time you feel someone deserves a nasty reply (and they may well deserve it), step away for a minute and consider they may just be having a bad day and if you reply, reply as if that were the case. you will feel better about yourself, and you will not be harboring anger at someone you don’t even know.

 

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Are You Seeking Love Based on The Love Lies?

Photo Courtesy of Debrena Jackson Gandy, Million Dollar Mentor
Photo Courtesy of Debrena Jackson Gandy, Million Dollar Mentor

This past week I had the distinct pleasure of attending a teleconference based on the book The Love Lies by Debrena Jackson Gandy.  I had no idea what to expect since I have attended calls on this subject matter in the past and have come away disappointed in them.  I attended this call because it was part of my friend Lougenia Trailblazer Rucker of Divine Diamond Ministries’ Wisdom Speaks Series.  This time I was pleasantly surprised by the information discussed, as I should have expected from this knockout duo!

Debrena Jackson Gandy started out by talking about being a girl vs.being a woman.  I knew immediately what she was talking about.  Although most of us should know better, we tend to buy into the lies told to us by American culture and the media.  We are programmed from a very young age to see relationships and love a certain way, as fed to us by the media.  The problem is, these are but pipe dreams based little on truth.  We are told we need to find love and we need to be worthy of love.  Society tells us things should flow a certain way – and we buy it hook, line and sinker!  We are reacting to our environment and being girls (immature) instead of acting as mature women who have knowledge and truth.

You see, society teaches girls about relationships from a place of fear and scarcity.  Fear that we need to find someone before it’s too late.  Fear that if we don’t we are somehow not good enough or unlovable.  Fear that we won’t find someone.  Scarcity refers to the term soul mate, which I have previously said I do not believe in.  Soul mate implies there is one – one in a world of billions!! It implies we had better start “looking” because we have a lot of work to do if we are to find that needle in a haystack!  This was exactly my argument for not believing in a soul mate.  There is NOT just one – plain and simple.  Who created this term and who decided there was just one person for each of us in this world of billions of people?  To a logical mind, this does not make any sense.  Yet many people buy into this.

Ms. Jackson Gandy went on to say that relationships are built on love and truth.  Well, yeah, but whose truth? Her answer to that is God’s truth.  Her book The Love Lies is based on truths she found in the Bible.  The truth about how God sees relationships and love, not how we as humans degrade it to be something so much less than what it should be or what we deserve.

The next point that hit home with me was that many women feel incomplete without a man, or are told by society they are incomplete without a man.  I know this one all too well.  I must have been asked hundreds of times in my life when I am going to find a guy and get married.  My answer has always been the same.  I will get married when I find a man worthy of marrying, and that hasn’t happened yet.  The thing is, I do not need a man to complete me, to feel okay with me, or to make me feel like a woman.  Sure, I would love to get married, but ONLY to the right man.  Ms. Jackson Gandy took it even farther by saying that women were a gift to man from God.  If this is the case, why do so many women devalue this fact?  We settle, give in to men’s desires, and compromise our own values for men!  Why are we not treating ourselves like the true gift we are?  If we dig deep and really look at how God created us, we would know we are a true gift.  My big take from this part of the discussion is that we should never, ever allow men to not treat us as a gift.  So many of us do.  We need to stop!

Since I have always taken the stance of courtship and respect, I was thrilled to hear someone else agree with my position on these things.  I have been ridiculed many times over my position on relationships and marriage.  That is okay, though, because these are all personal decisions based on what we decide is a real truth.  Compromise should never be an option. Having a relationship that is not what it should be should not be an option either.  I hold my position not to settle or compromise my values just to have a husband.

If you have been “searching” for love and have not “found” it, or you just want to throw your hands up when it comes to relationships, reading The Love Lies may give you a different perspective.  Love starts with YOU.  Give yourself a fresh perspective and start getting rid of all those lies society has told us.  While we all form our own opinions based on our realities, it never hurts to look at another way of thinking.  Decide for yourself.  Get a preview of the book on the next teleconference call on April 16, 2015.  I have included links below for the book, the teleconference and Divine Diamond Ministries.

Photo Courtesy of Debrena Jackson Gandy, Million Dollar Mentor
Photo Courtesy of Debrena Jackson Gandy, Million Dollar Mentor

Get your copy of The Love Lies: http://www.amazon.com/Debrena-Jackson-Gandy/e/B000APHO9U

Follow Debrena Jackson Gandy on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Debrena-Jackson-Gandy/141807847439

To learn more about Lougenia Trailblazer Rucker and Divine Diamond Ministries, join her community and/or attend the next FREE teleconference on April 16, 2015: http://divinediamondsministries.ning.com/

Join Divine Diamond Ministries on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/243382975782600/

Online Dating Bullies

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A recent 20/20 episode caught my attention because it was basically about online dating bullies. The report did not call them bullies, although that is exactly what they are.  I have never actually experienced this, but then, I would not give these men a minute of my time anyway.

Apparently there are men on dating sites that will call women names, demean them and basically bully them if they do not reply fast enough or positively to their comments and messages.  I find this to be a bit ridiculous since I cannot imagine being available for an immediate reply on a regular basis,  I keep communication on these sites so there is a record of it there, to keep my identity private, and so I can reply when it is convenient for me.  I certainly don’t sit on these sites looking to respond immediately to all communication. As a matter of fact, most communications gets the delete button.

I see men sitting on these sites what seems like 24/7.   Do they not have lives?  Do they not have jobs? It really is quite sad.  I, for one, really don’t have the time for guys who can’t think of something intelligent to say to me.  And even if you do, I more than likely will reply in a day or two.  Do people seriously expect immediate responses?  Apparently so.

The 20/20 report was about how men will call women names, bully them, and basically demean them if they don’t reply right away or in a positive way to their online advances.  First off, who are these men who think they should be able to demand immediate attention?  I guarantee you they are not special and not even a catch at all if this is how they act.  Do they really think this behavior is anything that would ever attract someone?  I sure hope not.  Women are people – not objects and possessions. Men have no right to demand anything of a woman he does not know.  And he certainly has no right to verbally abuse her by calling her names, putting her down, or anything else that would be demeaning.  This behavior is not only wrong, but it is considered verbal abuse.  It is bullying.

It takes TWO to want to date when meeting online.  Just because you see someone you THINK you would like to meet, does not mean you will.  The other person has the right to not want to meet you.  This should not come with any negativity on the rejected party’s part.  It simply means this person is not for you.  Move on!!

I found this report to be disturbing on several levels.  First, many women tend to be insecure, and this type of behavior can make them doubt themselves even more and destroy their self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Second, this type of behavior tends to be threatening. And third, this is cyber-bullying.  None of these are acceptable.  Online dating sites should be a safe place to communicate.  Both parties should feel they are safe there and ALL parties should respect the other people there – just as when people meet in person.

Where did the mean factor come in and why?  Online dating sites are set up to keep your identity private, but you should also be able to communicate on the sites and not feel threatened.  There is no excuse for this bad behavior.  Remember, people are busy.  They reply when they are able to not when you want them to or how you want them to.  There is always a chance someone you are interested in will not be interested in you.  Most importantly, ALWAYS respect others, whether you know them or not.  Online dating can be stressful, but it can also be fun.  Communicating in a positive way will get you farther than being disrespectful, which will get you nowhere.  Putting others down does not build you up.  Being courteous and friendly will make you more attractive to others, no matter what you look like.

2 Things That Will Scare Men Away

  In our quest for love, sometimes we try so hard we do not realize what we are doing or saying can be counterproductive.  While we need to ask questions in order to determine if our date is someone we want to continue a relationship with, we have to be smart about the questions we ask and the messages we send out.  We need to realize that men are not women, and they do not think like women, either.  There are a few subjects that should be saved for later in a relationship, and some that are just never good to ask.  Here are two that will surely send most men running the other direction:

1. Marriage

This should be a no-brainer.  However, sometimes women forget this because they want to be married and they feel they need to let the man know this, or they are nervous and blurt out things like this to try to make conversation.  While this subject will need to be addressed at some point if that’s the direction you want to go, it is never a good idea to address it within the first few dates.  Most women realize that many men have a fear of marriage for a variety of reasons.  There may be a fear of being “tied down” or not being “free.”  Or some men may feel a loss of control in their lives if they feel they are being pressured or forced into something or feeling a specific way.  My suggestion is to allow the relationship to progress naturally.  There needs to be a certain level of connection to address this subject.  When women put this out, they do not mean they want to marry that particular man or at that particular time, men hear something quite different and if the subject of wanting to be married is approached too soon, they will run the other direction if they are not in a place where they could actually see it with you.  Yes, some of us may want to be married, but we need to keep this conversation to ourselves until we have a deep connection with the man we are having the conversation with!

2. His “Type”

Another subject sure to make a man cringe is asking his “type” of woman.  First of all, do you really want an answer to that?  Ladies, if a man answers this one with what pops into his head, I assure you it will not be anything you want to hear or could ever live up to.   A man’s “type” is not necessarily who his ideal mate is.  Men are visual and when you are asking a type, many men will conjure up images of what they want a woman to look like, followed by all of their ideal personality characteristics.  This is hardly a real human, just as your fantasy guy is not real.  Do not make your date squirm, or put yourself through this!  Leave this one alone!  You may be his ideal woman, but he does not yet know it.  Why torture yourself and feed all the insecurities we all carry around?  Learn about each other and allow your relationship to grow naturally.  Do not try to force your way in by trying to meet an ideal that does not exist in real life.

Of course, if you are on a date and you want to send him running, feel free to talk about these.  I do NOT guarantee these subjects will send the wrong guy running.  He could be one of the few guys these subjects do not send running.  But do not chance talking about these to someone who could potentially be the right guy.  You want him to be around to get to know you!  Happy dating!