Tag: Women

I Do What I Want

Published on by Lisa Balthaser4 Comments

I took a break from dating for over a year.  Why? Well, because I was not interested in ANY of the men I was meeting. I was also going through many life challenges from aging parents to building my own social media marketing business.  These two things took so much of my time (and still do). However, I decided to check out my dating apps today to see if the landscape has changed at all.  I was pleasantly surprised to see a few men who look promising.  But then I came across this guy and had to come on here and write about it.

His Introduction

I will say, his introduction DID cause me to actually look deeper into his profile, so it was effective for getting his profile read.  Kudos for that. However, the sentence that got me to read more was “Some people say I am a jerk.” Okay, so this is not exactly how I would ever want to make a good impression, but it did get my attention.

I read on wondering why people think he is a jerk (think ass, as pictured).  As I started reading further, nothing stood out to make me feel like he is a jerk. That is until I came to one line:

“I Do What I Want When I Want”

Wow!  Really? If that was not bad enough, the next sentence sent him straight into the stratosphere of “No. Absolutely Not! Never in this Lifetime to eternity!” Category.

So, what was the next line? I will put it all together for you: “I do what I want when I want.  You will also do what I want when I want.” Wow.  I have never seen such a selfish, self-centered statement on a dating profile – and I have seen a lot of dating profiles over the years. So, let’s take a look at this statement as it pertains to dating and finding a relationship.

Middle Aged Singles Do What They Want

Okay, so once someone has reached what is considered middle age, most have lived a lot and are used to basically doing what they want and many times when they want. Many have children who have already left the home and they have a new found freedom and for some a second adolescence. All of this is great.  It is liberating to have this type of freedom.

However, If one chooses to enter into a relationship they MUST consider the other person and they MUST be willing to actually be in a relationship, not a dictatorship. By stating this is his profile, this guy was clearly claiming his perceived authority over any woman entering into a relationship with him. To me, this is a huge red flag for abuse.

Anyone who needs to state an authority over another is weak.  They are weak in character. It shows they lack compassion for others, and their sole agenda is them. Quite frankly, I don’t see why ANYONE would date someone who would make such a statement. But I am sure there are people out there who either do not read profiles, ignore what is right in front of them or think they will change him.  Doing any of those will more than likely end in disaster.

While this guy (and many others) may be used to doing what they want when they want, if they are truly looking for a relationship, there has to be some give on that.  One MUST consider the other person in the relationship.  They are just as important as you are. Relationships are give and take, and there must be room for compromise and communication if they are to work.

Red Flag Issues

As someone who has endured both physical and emotional abuse in a relationship, I am very attuned to red flags for abuse. If you see red flags in a profile or conversation before you meet someone, please don’t brush it off.  Sometimes these little clues are just a glimpse of a much larger problem.  Once you are emotionally invested in the person it is a lot harder to extract yourself from the situation.

Here are some of the things I look for in profiles and communication prior to meeting someone:

  • Exerting dominance (see above)
  • Sex as one of their interests and can’t live without (this MAY signal an addiction)
  • Someone who is focused only on looks
  • Excessive drinking photos or mostly photos taken in bars (a true indication of lifestyle)
  • Someone who has a problem with your schedule or tries to convince you to see them sooner than you are able (this indicated they want to control or are needy). If they have a problem with your schedule now, imagine what it will be like later.
  • Someone who states in their profile they only want to spend time with you (are they really that needy?).
  • Anyone who asks for additional photos/full body photos if you already have photos on your profile.
  • Anyone who has not taken the time to fill out their profile
  • Anyone who does not have a photo of themselves on their profile (what are they hiding from?)
  • Anyone who states to only call them at work (probably married or in a committed relationship)
  • Anyone who wants to pick you up or for you to pick them up, as opposed to meeting in a public place (be very careful).

While there are many more things to consider, these are just a few of the things to be aware of when dating online.  There are many more that involve the actual date.

The best thing to do is screen well and ask questions prior to meeting someone.  Have a set of questions that you typically ask everyone.  These should be things that are important to you and are nonnegotiables.

Steer clear of this guy (the one in the photo above) and Happy Dating!

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The Muppets are Sending the Wrong Message

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

Poor Kermit!  He was cast aside by Miss Piggy last year and now the beloved couple is divorced.  Here he sits, crying is eyes out and alone.  Miss Piggy has moved on to find something better because Kermit was just not enough for her.

Okay, okay, so that was a little overdramatic.  However, there is a LOT wrong with the scenario that has been played out by our “child-friendly” puppet friends.  Did I say child-friendly?

Being a child is hard enough.  Many grow up in less-than-stellar home situations with less-than-ideal families.  Many do not have both parents in their homes and some don’t even know one of their parents.  Yes, this is the reality in America in 2016.  There is nothing child-friendly about many of our children’s home lives.  And this is exactly why I was appalled when they announced that Kermit and Miss Piggy were splitting up.

When are we going to allow our children to actually be children?  Why do we need to push them into the very harsh realities of life and not allow them to enjoy not having them?  While breakups and divorce are the norms in many households, they wreak havoc on children’s lives, sometimes to the point of no repair.

Children will always want their parents to be together or get back together – at least initially.  Children need to believe there is good in this world.  They need to feel safe and secure in their homes so they can become stable and properly functioning adults.  So what do the Muppets have to do with this?  Everything!  Everything that is wrong with our families in America.

Why can’t we allow our children to have a little piece of a wholesome family in their TV viewing?  Why does a good program that has been a favorite of children all over need to go the way of our throw-away society?

The Muppets could still have had problems, but they could have taught children the art (yes art) of good communication, compromise, COMMITMENT, and getting along with others in life.  It seems we are going to have generations going forward that have no sense of commitment – I mean TRUE commitment, not a commitment that lasts only until something does not go your way or gets tough and you don’t want to put the work in to make it work.  Commitment to ANYTHING has been on the decline.  No wonder with our narcissistic self-serving society.  We have enough problems in our society without creating this mindset in children.

I realize this is a dating blog, so let’s get back to that.  Adults my age have a commitment problem, and we grew up in a far different world. It is difficult, even for me, to find a man who is genuinely committed to making a relationship and a marriage work – NO MATTER WHAT!  Life is not perfect, and life is many times very hard – that is the time to pull together and lean on each other.  Is it easy? No.  Can it create enough tension in marriage to break that marriage up? Yes -UNLESS both parties are 100% committed to the marriage itself (notice I did not say each other, but the marriage itself). And that is why I have a huge problem with Kermit and Miss Piggy breaking up.  We should be teaching our children what it takes to make relationships work! This is what we should be teaching our children, instead of showing them it is okay to bail out when times get tough – IT IS NEVER OKAY!

So when these children grow up, they are not going to understand TRUE commitment.  They are probably not even going to see the kind of commitment that it takes to make a marriage last a lifetime.  That makes me sad.  Very sad.

The Role of Social Media in Online Dating

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

 

I just had a little ‘incident’ this morning and feel compelled to write about it to caution all women, and educate men.  It goes without saying that I don’t feel like I should have to educate anyone, but the fact is that some people just don’t get it.

Some of you may know that I not only write this blog, but I have a social media business.  That means I spend hours on social media each and every day.  As an online marketer, I connect with many people in the course of a month.  Business cannot be created without the right connections.  Many people connect with me because I am a social media marketer.  I know this going in.  While I absolutely love making connections with people who are sincere in their intentions, on occasion I run across a slimeball.  Yes, a slimeball – you read that right.

Please allow me to explain why I use such a harsh word.

In life, we naturally want to connect with people.  Many of us want to find someone to date, have a relationship with and even marry.  While dating sites may be frustrating for some, they are the appropriate place to show interest in someone you are interested in dating.  Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and any other social media platform are not.  While relationships may be built and grow into something else through social media platforms, one should never connect with someone on a social media platform with the intention of immediately messaging them with the intention of meeting them.

What NOT to do: Facebook Communication

His next line was “We should get to know each other.” To Which I responded, “Isn’t that what Facebook is all about?”  The whole way communication was started with no regard or respect for me.  He wanted to “get to know me” based on what?  A photo or two? I have no idea who this guy is.

Since I am online for my business, when I connect with someone on social platforms, my intention is the connection, not a date.  If someone immediately starts hitting on me or states they want to get to know me, they are disrespecting my workspace and disrespecting me as a woman.

First, if we just connected, you know nothing about me except what you read on that particular social platform.  This leads me to believe that you only want to know me based on the photos you see and not the content between my ears.  This annoys me to no end and I find it totally disrespectful and degrading to me as a human being.  I am a person, not to be objectified by male inappropriateness.  Unless you really take the time to know me before expressing interest, you will get shot down.  I don’t miss.  I go for the jugular.

You see, dating after 40 has some huge advantages to dating in our younger years.  First, we have heard all the BS and are not having any of that.  Second, if you think we don’t know your game, you are fooling no one but yourself.  Third, we have already established we do not NEED a man but merely WANT one.  That means you have to prove you are worthy of our trust and affection.

So, ladies, when a man friends you on Facebook, shows you some attention be VERY cautious.  Check out his profile.  Are most of his connections women?  If so, he is more than likely saying the same thing to many women hoping one lets her guard down.  Please be smart and don’t be that one.  Plus, you do not want to end of one of the many women in his life when he is insisting you are the only one.

There are many stories about women being wooed online by someone in a far off place, they come to town, disappear for periods of time.  Later the woman is left broke and alone, her life savings stolen by this “wonderful” guy she met online.  There are men who prey on women for money, sex, and other things,  Some are scam artists, and some have families in another state.  They create online personas to find their next victim.  Don’t be that person.  Be cautious!

This man’s profile says he is from Idaho.  I live on the East Coast.  In order for us to get to know each other one would need to travel.  A predator will want to either get you in his territory, where you are unfamiliar, or come to you if he is trying to hide a life he does not want you to know about.  Now, I am not saying that was this guy’s intention but is sure was creepy he way it played out.  Out of 116 friends, only 4 are men.  Not only that we have 7 common friends, all of which are networking friends on the East Coast, where he does NOT live.  It is obvious to me that he went through my friends’ lists and selected random women to connect with on Facebook.

I am absolutely NOT saying this man is any of these things, but there are many other concerns women need to be aware of when approached randomly like this.  There are rapists, child molesters and a variety of other deviant personality types on social media who target and prey on women and children.  Sadly, it has to be something we consider when a connection just feels off for some reason.

Now, men, this is not to say you cannot meet someone and get to know her on social media.  I am just saying be smart and be respectful.  Most women do understand that men are visual creatures, but that does not mean we want to feel like a piece of meat.  If you are interested in someone you connect with online, first make sure your intentions are honorable.  No woman deserves less than that.  Take the time to get to know her on her social media account.  Interact with her honestly and respectfully.  Take the time to learn about her interests, likes and dislikes.  In doing this, you will know if you really do want to know her better, and she will know if she wants to know you.

Allow the relationship to progress naturally.  Don’t force it. Forcing something before it is ready to show up may not allow it to show up at all. And please, above all, do not invade her online space by commenting on every post.  That tends to be creepy and makes you seem like a stalker.   Use good judgment and be smart about your communication.

Social media is NOT a dating site.  While we may find our true love on social media, the approach MUST be different than on a dating site or it is creepy and invasive.  Although I have used gender roles above, I do understand that gender roles can be reversed in these situations, also.  So the application goes both directions.  Since I am female and I write about my experiences, I do write from a female perspective.

DO connect, but be smart in communication and be cautious when meeting. If you choose to meet someone in person you meet on social media, I would consider doing a background check if ANYTHING seems off.  It is better to be cautious and alive than the alternative.  On a side note, I do want to say that most people online are legitimate and their intentions are true.  This article is about the ones who are questionable.

Online Dating Bullies

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

A recent 20/20 episode caught my attention because it was basically about online dating bullies. The report did not call them bullies, although that is exactly what they are.  I have never actually experienced this, but then, I would not give these men a minute of my time anyway.

Apparently, there are men on dating sites that will call women names, demean them and basically bully them if they do not reply fast enough or positively to their comments and messages.  I find this to be a bit ridiculous since I cannot imagine being available for an immediate reply on a regular basis,  I keep communication on these sites so there is a record of it there, to keep my identity private, and so I can reply when it is convenient for me.  I certainly don’t sit on these sites looking to respond immediately to all communication. As a matter of fact, most communications get the delete button.

I see men sitting on these sites for what seems like 24/7.   Do they not have lives?  Do they not have jobs? It really is quite sad.  I, for one, really don’t have the time for guys who can’t think of something intelligent to say to me.  And even if you do, I more than likely will reply in a day or two.  Do people seriously expect immediate responses?  Apparently so.

The 20/20 report was about how men will call women names, bully them, and basically demean them if they don’t reply right away or in a positive way to their online advances.  First off, who are these men who think they should be able to demand immediate attention?  I guarantee you they are not special and not even a catch at all if this is how they act.  Do they really think this behavior is anything that would ever attract someone?  I sure hope not.  Women are people – not objects and possessions. Men have no right to demand anything of a woman he does not know.  And he certainly has no right to verbally abuse her by calling her names, putting her down, or anything else that would be demeaning.  This behavior is not only wrong but it is considered verbal abuse.  It is bullying.

It takes TWO to want to date when meeting online.  Just because you see someone you THINK you would like to meet, does not mean you will.  The other person has the right to not want to meet you.  This should not come with any negativity on the rejected party’s part.  It simply means this person is not for you.  Move on!!

I found this report to be disturbing on several levels.  First, many women tend to be insecure, and this type of behavior can make them doubt themselves even more and destroy their self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Second, this type of behavior tends to be threatening. And third, this is cyber-bullying.  None of these are acceptable.  Online dating sites should be safe places to communicate.  Both parties should feel they are safe there and ALL parties should respect the other people there – just as when people meet in person.

Where did the mean factor come in and why?  Online dating sites are set up to keep your identity private, but you should also be able to communicate on the sites and not feel threatened.  There is no excuse for this bad behavior.  Remember, people are busy.  They reply when they are able to not when you want them to or how you want them to.  There is always a chance someone you are interested in will not be interested in you.  Most importantly, ALWAYS respect others, whether you know them or not.  Online dating can be stressful, but it can also be fun.  Communicating in a positive way will get you farther than being disrespectful, which will get you nowhere.  Putting others down does not build you up.  Being courteous and friendly will make you more attractive to others, no matter what you look like.

In Dating, You Need to Show Up!

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

A few months ago, I met a man at a business meeting.  He seemed really nice and we hit it off right away.  He left early and I thought I would never hear from him again.  However, that was not the case.  He found me on Facebook and we started talking.  A little while later, we went on a date.

He was such a gentleman on our date and we had loads to talk about.  The conversation was easy and there seemed to be a mutual interest.  At the end of the date, he was a perfect gentleman and walked me to my car.  We talked for a few more minutes and parted ways, agreeing we both wanted to see each other again.

Before we went out, he let me know that he had a trip planned to the Bahamas for a few weeks.  So, after our date, he went on vacation.  Lucky him!!  While in the Bahamas, he sent me a beautiful picture of a beach!  Oh, how nice that would be!!  I was surprised to actually hear from him while he was on vacation, and took this as a positive sign.  After all, most men would not take time out of a vacation to think of someone they had one date with!

However, we had not planned a second date, and he still needed to call me when he returned.  When things like this happen and a second date is not or cannot be planned, for whatever reason, beware!  Boy, did I learn that one!

When he returned, he did call me!  I was elated since I am used to online dating and the land of the one-date wonders.  We had a very nice conversation and we planned on a date for the upcoming Sunday.  We did not set an exact time, since I attend church in the morning, but we did discuss what we would do.  He said that he likes to go to movies on Sundays, and would I mind doing that.  Well, no.  I love movies and don’t attend many these days!  I was really looking forward to seeing a movie and getting to know this man better and hearing all about his trip.

So Sunday arrived, and when I got home from church I started working while waiting to hear from him.  Well, that never happened.  He never called.

I had so many things to do that day.  I was invited to three different events, and my grass needed to be mowed.  However, since I had not committed to any of those things yet, I committed myself to another date with him.

I was furious!  How dare he tell me we will be doing something and then not show up or call! It would not have been a big deal, except that I had other things I wanted to do, but did not do them due to our plans to see a movie.  How rude and inconsiderate of him to leave me sitting and waiting to go on a date that never happened.  Unless he or an immediate family member died, there is just no excuse good enough to make up for leaving someone sitting there waiting to go on a date.

Now, you are probably wondering why I did not call him at this point.  Well, I don’t call men, unless I am in a relationship with a man.  I will not run after a man – ever.  From my observations, if a man is not interested in a woman, he will stray.  So there is no point in chasing after them.  Now there does need to be mutual interest, but it really makes no difference how interested the woman is if the man is not interested.  She may get some dates, and he may sleep with her, but she will surely get her heart broken when he moves on to someone he is truly interested in.    I am too old for all this drama and, quite frankly, just don’t have the time for it.  This is why I will never chase after a man.

We are still “friends” on Facebook.  However, there is little this man can do to make this up to me.  There are just very few excuses that would be acceptable at this point.  He has not contacted me since then, which leads me to believe he is either not interested or found someone new.  Either way, it is okay.  But it should have been communicated.  I am a big girl, I can handle this!  Not showing up is unacceptable.   I am a person with feelings and things to do.  Be considerate and call (or even text if you aren’t man enough).  Do something!  Don’t just let someone sit there waiting to go on a date.  That is wrong on so many levels.  In dating, you need to show up!

My Dating High Horse

Published on by Lisa Balthaser5 Comments

“Get off your high horse!”

This line was used on me on a dating website a few months ago, so I feel the need to address it.  In dating, as in all things in life, we all have expectations and hopes.  We all have things we look for, things we want in our lives, and things we know we don’t.  The fact of the matter is, we SHOULD have these things.  Otherwise, how would we ever know what we want in our lives or what we need to do to get there?

On many dating profiles, I specifically state not to contact me if (I list a few things).  The reason I do this is that I don’t want to waste others’ time or my own.  There are just some things that are not negotiable, so why not just put them out there?  It makes no sense to spend time communicating with someone who has different relationship expectations than yourself.  Sure, they COULD change their mind, but why waste time on COULD, when there are people who already KNOW.  Quite frankly, at this age, I don’t have the time or patience for COULD.  And that’s really my point.

What I find sort of amusing is the fact that someone would waste time contacting me to actually state how they feel, even though they know there is no chance of ever meeting me.  Why would they spend their valuable time even doing that?  Don’t they have more productive things to spend their time on?  And therein lies one of the stark differences between them and me.  This is who someone is at the core, and this difference makes ALL the difference in relationships.

So what was written to me?  Well, a man thought it appropriate to write to me to tell me that maybe I belong on one of those elite dating sites.  He went on to say that I need to get off my high horse (among other things).  Now normally, I would not respond to someone who was clearly wasting my time, but I felt inclined to respond to let him know a few key things.  First, maybe he is right.  Maybe I do belong on an elite dating site.  Is he volunteering to pay for one?

Second, I pointed out to him how silly it was for him to be so upset by the standards I hold for myself and my life.  The reason he was so upset was that it clearly counted him out.  What I found interesting was the fact that this upset him.  He did not know me, so why would it even matter?  If I hold expectations for my life and my future husband that differ from his, it is a clear indication that we are not meant for each other.  Why not just move on?  After all, dating sites are like candy stores for many men.  It just does not make sense to want someone who is not for you when there are hundreds (or even thousands) more who could be for you.  It is a time waste and inefficient use of the tools available for actually finding the right person.

The third thing I pointed out to him was that the only reason he was upset is that he was not included in the type of man I would want.  One thing I always find annoying in dating is that men see a woman and think they want her, but take no time in determining if they really do want her, the real person.  Many men base this decision on looks without considering who she really is – and this is my whole point in putting my expectations out there.  After spending many of my younger years with men who thought they wanted to be with me, only to find out they really only wanted the arm candy and not the real me, I am focusing only on the real me.  Men will still contact me based on looks alone, but if they go on to actually read my profile, they will know I will not respond to any comments on looks. This man actually did read my profile, but didn’t like what he read because it counted him out – but at least he did the due diligence of reading it!  Kudos to him for that!

The last thing I pointed out to him was that just the fact that he contacted me to basically tell me off when he did not even know me, is enough for me to know that he was not the kind of man I was looking for.  My main point to him was really that if he would put that much effort into the right woman, he will find the right one and the bitterness that was clear in his contact with me would disappear.  As in all things in life, we need to put our efforts into what makes sense, not what does not.

My high horse will stand on its four long legs.  Everyone has standards, including me.  I have seen many unhappy marriages because people have compromised their standards just to have someone in their life.  While we all do essentially want that love and connection, we should not have to compromise ourselves to have it.  I will ride my horse into the sunset of life.  My hopes and dreams will live on.  Dreams do not die if you keep them alive!

Can Online Dating Lead to Love?

Published on by Lisa Balthaser3 Comments

I hopped on a few dating sites today after taking a break from them for over a year.  I was immediately reminded of all the reasons I haven’t been online seeking love.  I had so many messages to weed through that it was a bit overwhelming at first.  I soon came to realize that about a third of them were from those guys that hit on everyone and are immediately kicked off the site due to their content or sending personal contact info through the site (one would think they would have learned this by now).

Many of the rest were one-line wonders, which always perplexed me.  Do men really think a “hi” will get them in good graces with anyone of substance?  And then there was the abundance of emails that simply stated something about my looks.  These always make me cringe.  Did they even read my profile?  If they had, they would know better than to send something like this since I warn them I will immediately delete those emails.  My feeling is that if they cannot take the time to see who I am as a human being, and not just what I look like, then I don’t have time to talk to them, either.

So now I was down to the last third or so.  In reading the emails and looking at the profiles, I had mixed feelings.  There are many reasons I have not been checking my dating sites for over a year, and this was a big reminder of why.  Out of all the emails I received, I only replied to less than a handful – actually, only 3 to be exact.  These men I would definitely like to meet.  However, since I have not been online in over a year, some of the emails were from almost a year ago.  Okay, my bad.  In my defense, I was extremely frustrated with the men I was meeting from these sites and needed a break.

It left me wondering if love can actually be found online.  I believe it can.  The reason I believe this is because I have met some fabulous men online and have had some wonderful relationships with men I met online.  I am keeping the faith that the right one for me is out there.  I will be keeping my options open, but will not compromise who I am in finding love online.  What this means is that there will be many, many emails sent to me wasting my time that I will never respond to.  As in everything in life, I will focus on the goal, which is getting to the right man out of the many who write saying they are interested.  For those I pass over – trust me guys, after reading some of your profiles, I know for a fact you would never be interested in me (the actual person).  While we all have our “lists” of what we are looking for, my negotiable items are many with the right person; but some things would never work.  As warmer weather is here, I am once again giving this another chance.  After all, I do believe the right one is out there somewhere!

The Marriage Dilemma

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

I recently attended a singles networking event and discussion.  The topic was interesting enough, but as we went around the room I came to realize that the way I feel about relationships and marriage was quite different than others in the room.  This could be partly because I was probably the youngest person in the room.  But as I listened to others speak, I became saddened by the state of being single today.

You see, as I listened, it became abundantly clear that everyone in the room except me would be perfectly happy to either find someone to date and get along with, have a long-term relationship with, or live with.  None of these options are acceptable to me.  I want to get married.  Of course, one must go through some of the above to get there, but the singles in this room made it very clear that they had no desire to get married (again).  I left feeling very disenchanted with even the thought of dating.  Were my expectations unrealistic for someone of a certain age?  While I was younger than those present, I am considered what is solidly middle-aged.  Could someone like me find love again?  I will say, I still hold out that God has someone for me.

Listening to the conversations, most in the room have been in marriages that lasted for some length of time or were recently back in the dating scene.  As for me, I have been looking for marriage for well over 20 years, with little success.  Over the years, I have met many wonderful men and been in relationships with several.  However, it seems as though finding the RIGHT one for me has proven more challenging than I could have ever imagined.

Friends have told me things like my standards are too high, or that I should give someone a chance that clearly has qualities I would never want in my life.  So as the topic turned to things we look for in the opposite sex, this brought me back to all of those conversations with my friends.  So, are my expectations unrealistic?  As I listened to others talk about what they are looking for, I came to realize that their expectations were different because they were not looking at it from a marriage standpoint, and I was.  Since most of my friends hold the same view on marriage as those in the room, their expectations would be that of those present, also.

So why is it that most people my age want marriage?  I have asked many, and most state they have been through the wringer with their exes and don’t want to do that again.  Others state that they “don’t need a piece of paper to justify their relationship.”  Again, I disagree.  If someone truly loves me and does want to spend his life with me, he should not hesitate at that piece of paper.  If he does, I would question his commitment to me.  Now I realize some would argue this point, but I stand firmly on my belief.  It is okay if you disagree.  You see, to me marriage is sacred.  It is far more than a piece of paper and a level of commitment.  While others may not see it this way, I do.  So I will trust in my belief that the right man is out there for me.  I cannot and will not settle for less than I deserve.  I am not asking for unrealistic expectations, but simply for love and a man who is okay with making the commitment of “I do.”

For those who have said to me that marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be.  Well, maybe that was your marriage.  Allow me to have my own and make my own judgment on that.

Dating During the Holidays

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

Let’s face it.  The Holidays can be challenging for many singles for a variety of reasons.  Dating during these busy and sometimes stressful times can also prove challenging.  While I will not say I have answers to these issues, I would like to share some of the challenges I encounter.  By sharing, I hope this may help some others who feel as I do!

Loneliness

Singles can feel lonely on any given day, but during the Holidays this can be amplified by basic Holiday activities.  For me, watching families just out enjoying shopping, or enjoying other Holiday fun can send me into a downward spiral that I don’t want to go down.  While I am genuinely happy for these families, and especially my friends, when I see the joy they have with their families, it hits me hard that I want this also, and don’t have it.  If I dwell on this too long, I am in trouble.  The Holidays tend to make me think of all the things I don’t have that are so valuable.  

When I was younger, I was so focused on having a husband, a family, a good job, the latest fashions, a nice house, and a nice car.  Out of all of those things, there were only two that were really worth spending my time on.  Since I felt education was the key to getting all of those material things I wanted in life, I lost focus on the things that mattered to me the most – a husband and family.  I spent 10 years in the prime of my life in college to get my education while working my way up the corporate ladder.  That did not leave me time to establish a solid relationship and several were destroyed in that time because they could not be properly nurtured.  I wasted so much time on the things that really did not matter and not enough on the ones that did.  The Holidays have a way of forcing me to think of these things when I watch others enjoying the families they have, and yearning for the ones I don’t have.

Bittersweet Family Gatherings

While I love seeing my family and thoroughly enjoy the time with them, there is a real disconnect at family gatherings for me.  I listen to their banter of Christmas morning, the thrill of the children, and the gifts received by the adults, and can only wish I had someone to share those memories with.  The Holidays are essentially very sad for me – and I haven’t even touched on New Year, yet!  New Years’ Gatherings are extremely stressful, with everyone toasting with their significant others, and kissing on New Year’s Eve, and bringing in the new year with a new-found hope for their future together.  While I know my New Year will hold promises I have not yet imagined, I cannot help but be brought to my knees at the thought of having another year alone without love in my life.  Many of my single friends don’t really understand the deep desire and longing I have for being married.  Many have spent years in marriage.  I have not.  At family gatherings, I feel a little left out and forgotten.  I don’t have stories to share of Christmas morning, and I have received gifts from no one.

Someone to Enjoy Holiday Events With

Another stressful thing is going to Holiday events alone, being the third wheel, or just not going at all because you have no one to go with.  Sure, many people go to events with friends, and that is great!  I do, too!  However, some events are just not the same without a special love in your life to enjoy them with.  For someone who yearns for love, the Holidays can be a very lonely and stressful time.

Some Things That Can Help

As briefly mentioned above, there are some things you can do to alleviate stress and loneliness. Spending time with friends enjoying festivities certainly helps.  You can find Holiday singles mixers to meet others just like you!  You could do what I do and keep really busy, so you don’t have time to think about it.  While most of us try to embrace being single and making the best of it, there are times when it can get to us.  We all put on our brave faces and go out into the world, but brave faces do not change the way we feel inside.

Since this post is a little different than most of my posts, and the intention is to help others by letting them know they are not alone in how they feel, I would love to hear some things you do to manage the stress of being single during the Holidays.

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Are You Too Busy to Date?

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

How Busy is too Busy?

The answer to this question depends on who you ask.  As an extremely busy person, I am asked this all the time when communicating with men online.  Usually, they will ask probing questions trying to figure out if I will make time for them in my schedule.  The answer is: it depends.

First, I will not cancel any of my plans for a date.  Most of these men, you never hear from again, so they need to find a time that is good for me if they want to meet.  This can be challenging since I keep an extremely full schedule, but it also gives me a very good indication of what the man is all about.  If he is respectful and understanding, then he is worth meeting.  Any man who questions me too much or acts like my being busy is a problem is almost certainly not the man for me.

While some may not agree with me, my take on this is that a man would expect you to understand if he is busy and would expect you to work with his schedule.  What is the difference if it is a woman?  There is none – other than that some men expect women to cater to their needs without regard to hers.  For this simple reason, I know right away if someone will work with my lifestyle.  Someone who seems as though he wants all my time and attention prior to even knowing me, will surely be far too needy and clingy for me.

Prioritizing Dating and the Rest of your Life

I have a canned response when someone asks me if I am too busy to date right now. And that response is: “Today everyone is busy and if we all wait until we are not busy to date, we may be dead first.”  It is true if you think about it.  Who do you know that is NOT busy?  Not very many people can say that.

While I will not cancel anything in my schedule to accommodate a date, I will reprioritize if I meet someone worth a relationship.  This is the part that men do not seem to get.  They see busy and they think there is no room for them.  As in anything important in life, it is all about priorities!  When we first meet someone, they have not earned a place in our schedules before other things in our lives.  When we establish a relationship with someone, that shifts and they become a higher priority than some of those other things.  For any man to expect a woman to cancel other plans to go on a date with them is totally unrealistic, since there is no guarantee you will even like each other.  However, when a relationship is being established and people spend more time together, they have earned a place in our schedules.  I am uncertain as to why men only see busyness as no place for them.  It could be selfishness, it could be ego, it could be neediness or something deeper like control issues.  However, I do know that if someone doesn’t respect my life as it is now, and does not want to work on a common time to meet, it puts up all kinds of red flags for me.

NO ONE is too busy to date if it is something that is important to them.  Stop asking.  If we did not want to be dating, we would not be looking!  Don’t be needy, be a gentleman!  Happy dating!