Category: Online Dating

It’s the Weekend and Where Are the Men?

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

It’s yet another weekend and it’s the same old thing – men cannot put their money where their mouth is.

You may wonder what I mean by this, so that is what this blog post is about. But first, allow me to recap why this blog even exists.

In today’s world of working from home, which I have been doing for 10 years, and people not being as friendly and community-oriented as they were in years past, it is hard to meet a man. Especially when you have passed a certain age. So, many folks resort to online dating.

Now, I am NOT bashing online dating. I have met some amazing men through online dating. I have even had some good relationships come out of online dating, but not the ONE permanent one I am looking for. Not THE one (that is still up for debate, as I did meet someone awhile back who fit that category for me).

I have experienced a lot of things during my decades, yes decades, of online dating between relationships. After all, I have basically been single my whole life, even though I had some relationships that lasted over 5 years. But in between, there is always the challenge and frustration of online dating.

So, back to my topic for today. It is the weekend and where are all the men? This is how it goes EVERY weekend!

All week long you hear from them, and they communicate, but as soon as Friday and the weekend roll around – all you get is silence. They cannot and will not commit to actually getting off their butts and meeting you!

Here is what I have come to see it means many times:

  • They are married
  • They are interested in someone else but want to string you along just in case it does not work out
  • They really are not serious about finding someone and therefore purposely wasting your time
  • They are not really interested in you but they are “bored” and want something to do
  • Their ego needs stroking by having you in the line waiting

I am not saying all scenarios play out like that, but MOST DO! It is downright frustrating and annoying. And the fact that people love to waste my time is actually infuriating to me since I am actually serious about meeting someone.

So, here is my advice for the ladies out there who are going through the same thing.

First, ask them to connect with you on social media, Facebook preferably. Here’s why: almost everyone has a Facebook account here in the USA, and their profile tells you a LOT about them. Some things to look for are who are they friends with. I recently encountered some men whose friends were all booty chicks – definitely not the man of God he claimed to be on his dating profile.

Look at the pages he liked – this is under the three dots at the top of the profile. They can be very telling. Some things I have found on the pages were soft porn and actual porn, which I reported to Facebook and Facebook claims it does NOT go against their community standards (don’t even get me started on that one). It will help you understand what they are interested in and what is important to them. There are both good and bad that can come out of checking this out.

If they are married or in a relationship, this is what has played out for me. They either will not connect on Facebook OR they create this fake profile, usually with no friends, or maybe one, and usually, they do not use their photo on the profile. Many times the profiles do not actually have their actual names, either. They claim all kinds of things, but it usually goes something like this: My account was hacked and that is why I have this new profile (yeah, except when people create new accounts they use their REAL name and their REAL photo so people know to reconnect with them there). OR, they claim someone was stalking them and that is why they are “hiding or on the down-low.” Yeah, okay. I have been stalked in the past and I never claimed such obvious stupidity.

For other men, they just need their egos stroked. They want someone to talk to, they are bored, or they are men who will never ever commit, even though they claim to want that to attract women. To me, that is the sad state of men. This is what I see – cheating, lying, sad, and pathetic people who have no clue how to function, and many of them cannot even hold a real conversation.

Now, you may think I am being overly harsh, but hear me out. I have sat at home more weekends than I can count because of men who CLAIM to want to meet me. We talk about meeting during the upcoming weekend, and they never really solidify plans (God forbid – that would mean they actually need to act on it). They leave you hanging and anticipate meeting them based on conversations, only for you to never hear from them on the weekends. They disappear. POOF! Many will return the following Monday or Tuesday, like that is okay or something. It’s NOT!

So what can one do? Well, I can tell you what I am doing. I will give them two chances. That’s it. Why two? I give them a chance to redeem themselves. I do believe in redemption. If they cannot put into action what they speak, then how can they be trusted? They can’t. If they say they want to meet you, they talk to you about it and then leave you hanging, imagine what life would be like day to day! They are not dependable or trustworthy. Sure, they will come up with excuses. But excuses are just that – excuses. You cannot excuse bad behavior. You cannot excuse the disappointment you create for the other person. There is no excuse for this. Period.

Now, I am sure some of you will come up with all these crazy reasons this happened, but to me, it does not matter. I have been at this for a long time, and I have seen a lot and experienced a lot. If by midlife a man cannot follow through, then that is probably why he is single. By this stage in life, one should understand human nature and have the heart to act with consideration for others. No excuses.

Impatience Will Get You Nowhere

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

Impatience

Okay, so most folks today have used a dating app at one time or another.  If you are an attractive female, you know how many messages you can get by just signing on for a minute or two.  This is one of the main reasons I NEVER hang out on the apps.  I don’t have the time to be inundated with a dozen or two messages every time I sign in just because it put my profile at the top. Also, if I am talking to someone, I don’t generally sign in to answer other messages.  It is just the respectful thing to do.

The next time I sign in after a week or two, I am always astounded at the nastiness in some of the messages if I did not reply immediately.   Seriously, men, do you think we have nothing better to do than hanging out on a dating app all day?

Impatience is Usually NOT Attractive on Most People

Let’s face it, people are busy! Whether one has a high-stress job or has children to take care of and play taxi for or maybe has a lot of personal things on their plate.  Regardless of the reason, most people have little down time (at least most people I know).

So, the point it – respect that! First off, men, understand that most attractive women are bombarded with numerous emails on dating sites.  If we don;t answer you immediately, there could be a number of reasons, including just being busy.  Many times, this has nothing to do with you, we just did not sign on or get your message yet.

So, on my birthday a guy messaged me.  I was super busy on my birthday weekend and signing into a dating app was not a priority to me (as it is not most days).  The message was sent at 4:40 PM.  By 8:26 AM the following morning I already received a nasty message about not answering him.  The truth is, I had not even seen the message.

When I saw both messages about a week later, I could not help but wonder what would possess someone to send a second nasty message when one did not even see the first message.  My second thought was that I was grateful it played out this way.  Why? Because it sure showed this guy’s true colors, and he was definitely NOT for me. Impatience is NOT attractive on a dating site and there is no place for it there.

Assumptions Do NOT Win You Friends and Lovers

Normally, I would have just deleted his messages, but I felt compelled to message him back and point out the error of his ways (of course, I did). The main thing he did wrong was to make an assumption as to why I did not reply to him.  His assumption was incorrect, which in turn, caused his reaction to be way off base – and totally unattractive in every sense of the word.

I also shared with him some basic facts that I want to also point out to you.

  1. What does it really matter if someone does not reply? Is it going to kill you? Probably not.  As a matter of fact, many times they are just not the one for you, so it is a good thing they did not reply.
  2. Does it really matter is someone replies today, or next week? Really, guys, it doesn’t. The only reason I could see where a guy would think it mattered is if he wanted to get laid – and in that case, I will say shame on you for even thinking that is okay! It really does not matter.  Really, you will survive another day, or week, til you hear back.
  3. Nastiness has no place here.  You do not know the other person.  You have not developed a relationship with them enough to know what their situation is, so the least you can do is respect them.  Just because someone does not do what YOU want them to do does not give you the right to lash out at them or be nasty and insensitive.  If you feel it does, that says a whole lot about you, and not in a good way.

Last Word

I have met many very nice people on dating sites.  Just because I have not met the RIGHT one yet does not mean there are not great people there. Most of the men I have met are kind and decent.  I do tend to weed out guys like this one fairly quickly. That being said, I realize these sites are wading through treacherous waters at times, and not everyone there is honest, or nice, or has good intentions. However, I think the best approach to these sites is to treat the people you meet there with the same respect you would if you met them in person – unless they give you a VERY good reason not to.  If a guys ask your boob size or start getting sexually explicit in the conversation, it is time to block them.  There is no need to play their games.  There is no reason to make assumptions about them or to be nasty.  If this is not your game, then they are not for you.  Simply move on.

I took the time to reply to this guy and I gave him well-thought-out constructive advice. He may have ignored it, but there is a small chance he read my advice and gave it a fleeting thought.  I treated him like someone I could have met on the street who was having a bad day.  You never know what someone is going through.  Maybe next time he will be a little more respectful (or maybe not), but I did my part to help another human being and not treat him as he treated me. I don’t think it took any more energy than the nasty reaction he deserved from me – and that is my point. So, next time you feel someone deserves a nasty reply (and they may well deserve it), step away for a minute and consider they may just be having a bad day and if you reply, reply as if that were the case. you will feel better about yourself, and you will not be harboring anger at someone you don’t even know.

 

If I am not Worth Fireworks in July, You are not Worth My Time in September

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

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It’s July 4th week here in the United States and fun festivities abound. But yet, somewhere out there, there are millions of singles sitting at home alone.  Why?

Let’s face it, dating these days is complicated, but it doesn;t need to be. Activities such as festivals and fireworks are the perfect romantic outing.

So, let’s examine why so many singles are sitting at home alone and not enjoying these events with potential suitors (yes, I used that word). Why don’t more men ask women out to these events or even date over the summer? Why do summers find men missing in action only to arrive back on the grid in September or October? While I don’t have all the answers, I would like to explore a few reasons you may find men MIA over the summer months.

Freedom

One reason you may not be chatting with too many men over the summer is that men just don’t want to be bothered or “tied down” over the summer (whatever that means). Many men just want to do what they want to do and they don’t want to have to answer to anyone.  They know full well if they are dating you that you will question them, and they just don’t want to deal with that. They want to hang out with their friends or head for a weekend at the beach and they don’t want to feel obligated to ask you to go or hear you when you don’t invite them.

Money

Some men just don’t want to have to spend money on you. Really. They know in the warmer months you will want to do more things and that means it will cost them money. If they can hold out until summer is over, they know you will not expect them to go as many places as you would in the summer.

Time

As I mentioned earlier, they want their freedom.  Mainly they don;t want to feel obligated to spend time with you.  The more time you require, the less time they can do what they want in the summer.

They want to Spend Summer with Someone Else

Yes, ladies, this happens. Sometimes men want to have “fun” at your expense. Sometimes you are the recipient of a guy just wanting some summer “fun” with you only to be forgotten once reality sets back in when Summer is over. And sometimes, you are the forgotten one.  The one he sees as too serious for his summer fling.

These factors alone can make dating in the summer challenging.  So what is a woman to do?

My suggestion is that if you are talking to someone in the late Spring or Summer and they put off meeting you, forget them – even if you think they are perfect for you. Why? You may ask. Because if you are not worth the Fireworks of the Summer, he is NOT worth your time in the Fall. You are better than that.  You deserve more than he is giving you and accepting this from him will set a precedent for your relationship.

Of course, this is only my opinion, but really, ladies, you are worth Fireworks! If he is husband material, he will know that and will treat you like you are.

 

I Do What I Want

Published on by Lisa Balthaser4 Comments

I took a break from dating for over a year.  Why? Well, because I was not interested in ANY of the men I was meeting. I was also going through many life challenges from aging parents to building my own social media marketing business.  These two things took so much of my time (and still do). However, I decided to check out my dating apps today to see if the landscape has changed at all.  I was pleasantly surprised to see a few men who look promising.  But then I came across this guy and had to come on here and write about it.

His Introduction

I will say, his introduction DID cause me to actually look deeper into his profile, so it was effective for getting his profile read.  Kudos for that. However, the sentence that got me to read more was “Some people say I am a jerk.” Okay, so this is not exactly how I would ever want to make a good impression, but it did get my attention.

I read on wondering why people think he is a jerk (think ass, as pictured).  As I started reading further, nothing stood out to make me feel like he is a jerk. That is until I came to one line:

“I Do What I Want When I Want”

Wow!  Really? If that was not bad enough, the next sentence sent him straight into the stratosphere of “No. Absolutely Not! Never in this Lifetime to eternity!” Category.

So, what was the next line? I will put it all together for you: “I do what I want when I want.  You will also do what I want when I want.” Wow.  I have never seen such a selfish, self-centered statement on a dating profile – and I have seen a lot of dating profiles over the years. So, let’s take a look at this statement as it pertains to dating and finding a relationship.

Middle Aged Singles Do What They Want

Okay, so once someone has reached what is considered middle age, most have lived a lot and are used to basically doing what they want and many times when they want. Many have children who have already left the home and they have a new found freedom and for some a second adolescence. All of this is great.  It is liberating to have this type of freedom.

However, If one chooses to enter into a relationship they MUST consider the other person and they MUST be willing to actually be in a relationship, not a dictatorship. By stating this is his profile, this guy was clearly claiming his perceived authority over any woman entering into a relationship with him. To me, this is a huge red flag for abuse.

Anyone who needs to state an authority over another is weak.  They are weak in character. It shows they lack compassion for others, and their sole agenda is them. Quite frankly, I don’t see why ANYONE would date someone who would make such a statement. But I am sure there are people out there who either do not read profiles, ignore what is right in front of them or think they will change him.  Doing any of those will more than likely end in disaster.

While this guy (and many others) may be used to doing what they want when they want, if they are truly looking for a relationship, there has to be some give on that.  One MUST consider the other person in the relationship.  They are just as important as you are. Relationships are give and take, and there must be room for compromise and communication if they are to work.

Red Flag Issues

As someone who has endured both physical and emotional abuse in a relationship, I am very attuned to red flags for abuse. If you see red flags in a profile or conversation before you meet someone, please don’t brush it off.  Sometimes these little clues are just a glimpse of a much larger problem.  Once you are emotionally invested in the person it is a lot harder to extract yourself from the situation.

Here are some of the things I look for in profiles and communication prior to meeting someone:

  • Exerting dominance (see above)
  • Sex as one of their interests and can’t live without (this MAY signal an addiction)
  • Someone who is focused only on looks
  • Excessive drinking photos or mostly photos taken in bars (a true indication of lifestyle)
  • Someone who has a problem with your schedule or tries to convince you to see them sooner than you are able (this indicated they want to control or are needy). If they have a problem with your schedule now, imagine what it will be like later.
  • Someone who states in their profile they only want to spend time with you (are they really that needy?).
  • Anyone who asks for additional photos/full body photos if you already have photos on your profile.
  • Anyone who has not taken the time to fill out their profile
  • Anyone who does not have a photo of themselves on their profile (what are they hiding from?)
  • Anyone who states to only call them at work (probably married or in a committed relationship)
  • Anyone who wants to pick you up or for you to pick them up, as opposed to meeting in a public place (be very careful).

While there are many more things to consider, these are just a few of the things to be aware of when dating online.  There are many more that involve the actual date.

The best thing to do is screen well and ask questions prior to meeting someone.  Have a set of questions that you typically ask everyone.  These should be things that are important to you and are nonnegotiables.

Steer clear of this guy (the one in the photo above) and Happy Dating!

You Lost Me at Sweetheart

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

A few months back I was chatting with a man on an online dating site.  The conversation was light and we seemed to hit it off fairly well.  Then he did one thing that threw up all kinds of red flags and that was the end of my interest in this man.  So, what did he do that turned me away so quickly?

He called me Sweetheart!

Some women may not think twice about a comment through a dating site that starts with or ends with “sweetheart,” but to me, it said a LOT! Here is my take on it.

Oxford Dictionaries defines sweetheart as “a term of endearment or affection,” “someone with whom someone is having a romantic or sexual relationship,” or “a particularly lovable or pleasing thing.”

That being said, one would think being called sweetheart is a good thing.  Well, it is in the right context.  So, let’s dissect this from an online dating perspective.

Two Strangers Meet

Online dating basically puts two complete strangers together in the same digital space for conversation so they can evaluate each other to see whether or not they would like to meet face-to-face.  All conversation that takes place prior to meeting is an evaluation and each party is sizing up the other.

The reason those specific things are kept private on dating sites is to protect the members of the site.  In essence, there is a digital “wall” that separates the parties unless they take their conversation onto another platform or to another level.

Being that when people converse through these websites they are virtually strangers, when a party breaks the “stranger” barrier with unwanted terms of affection it is just plain creepy.  Both parties do not know the other’s relationship histories, wants, and needs yet.

My Take

To explain my take on this man calling me sweetheart, I will look at all three definitions.

A Term of Endearment or Affection

Okay, so if I am communicating with someone online we are strangers, plain and simple. Unless I expressly give you permission to call me an affectionate term, it is UNWANTED. As a matter of fact, based on my history in male-dominated industries in corporate America, this term is downright condescending to me.  In the corporate world it usually signified one of the following: the man did not respect the woman, the man had a problem with the woman being in a leadership position, the man was trying to keep the woman in a lower position in the company by devaluing her (Try calling a man sweetheart and see what happens!), the man was trying to exhibit control or authority, or the man is a misogynist.  These reasons alone should deter any decent man from calling a complete stranger sweetheart!

Someone with Whom Someone is Having a Romantic or Sexual Relationship

Based on this definition, it is clear I am NOT your sweetheart since we have never met. How assumptive of a man to think he has any right to call a stranger sweetheart.  Now, this particular man said he used the term because he did not know my name.  So, ask! Or don’t use ANY term of endearment.  Last I checked this is not rocket science.  Being respectful should be common sense when you are trying to make a good impression. Terms of endearment should be agreed upon, and really signifying endearment, not thrown around loosely like they mean nothing.  If you are calling her sweetheart, chances are you are also calling many other women sweetheart, and that is NOT okay no matter how you want to justify it.

A Particularly Lovable or Pleasing Thing

First, notice the word “thing.” This is exactly how the word sweetheart comes across when it is used by a stranger to a woman.  It comes across as if he is claiming possession of her as his thing.  It is kind of like a catcall, and NO ONE likes them (no they do NOT make us feel good and we do NOT appreciate them). It is demeaning.  If it is said in front of other men, it shows insecurity because you are trying to “claim” the woman.  That is just plain wrong. NO WOMAN is a man’s possession.  Ever.

Conclusion

Think twice before you use this term, or any other term of endearment, to someone who may not see you as having earned that status (yes, it is earned).

So when I did not reply to this man after he called me sweetheart in two replies in a row, he wrote me to ask what happened and asked if he scared me away.  My reply: “You lost me at sweetheart.”

The Role of Social Media in Online Dating

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

 

I just had a little ‘incident’ this morning and feel compelled to write about it to caution all women, and educate men.  It goes without saying that I don’t feel like I should have to educate anyone, but the fact is that some people just don’t get it.

Some of you may know that I not only write this blog, but I have a social media business.  That means I spend hours on social media each and every day.  As an online marketer, I connect with many people in the course of a month.  Business cannot be created without the right connections.  Many people connect with me because I am a social media marketer.  I know this going in.  While I absolutely love making connections with people who are sincere in their intentions, on occasion I run across a slimeball.  Yes, a slimeball – you read that right.

Please allow me to explain why I use such a harsh word.

In life, we naturally want to connect with people.  Many of us want to find someone to date, have a relationship with and even marry.  While dating sites may be frustrating for some, they are the appropriate place to show interest in someone you are interested in dating.  Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and any other social media platform are not.  While relationships may be built and grow into something else through social media platforms, one should never connect with someone on a social media platform with the intention of immediately messaging them with the intention of meeting them.

What NOT to do: Facebook Communication

His next line was “We should get to know each other.” To Which I responded, “Isn’t that what Facebook is all about?”  The whole way communication was started with no regard or respect for me.  He wanted to “get to know me” based on what?  A photo or two? I have no idea who this guy is.

Since I am online for my business, when I connect with someone on social platforms, my intention is the connection, not a date.  If someone immediately starts hitting on me or states they want to get to know me, they are disrespecting my workspace and disrespecting me as a woman.

First, if we just connected, you know nothing about me except what you read on that particular social platform.  This leads me to believe that you only want to know me based on the photos you see and not the content between my ears.  This annoys me to no end and I find it totally disrespectful and degrading to me as a human being.  I am a person, not to be objectified by male inappropriateness.  Unless you really take the time to know me before expressing interest, you will get shot down.  I don’t miss.  I go for the jugular.

You see, dating after 40 has some huge advantages to dating in our younger years.  First, we have heard all the BS and are not having any of that.  Second, if you think we don’t know your game, you are fooling no one but yourself.  Third, we have already established we do not NEED a man but merely WANT one.  That means you have to prove you are worthy of our trust and affection.

So, ladies, when a man friends you on Facebook, shows you some attention be VERY cautious.  Check out his profile.  Are most of his connections women?  If so, he is more than likely saying the same thing to many women hoping one lets her guard down.  Please be smart and don’t be that one.  Plus, you do not want to end of one of the many women in his life when he is insisting you are the only one.

There are many stories about women being wooed online by someone in a far off place, they come to town, disappear for periods of time.  Later the woman is left broke and alone, her life savings stolen by this “wonderful” guy she met online.  There are men who prey on women for money, sex, and other things,  Some are scam artists, and some have families in another state.  They create online personas to find their next victim.  Don’t be that person.  Be cautious!

This man’s profile says he is from Idaho.  I live on the East Coast.  In order for us to get to know each other one would need to travel.  A predator will want to either get you in his territory, where you are unfamiliar, or come to you if he is trying to hide a life he does not want you to know about.  Now, I am not saying that was this guy’s intention but is sure was creepy he way it played out.  Out of 116 friends, only 4 are men.  Not only that we have 7 common friends, all of which are networking friends on the East Coast, where he does NOT live.  It is obvious to me that he went through my friends’ lists and selected random women to connect with on Facebook.

I am absolutely NOT saying this man is any of these things, but there are many other concerns women need to be aware of when approached randomly like this.  There are rapists, child molesters and a variety of other deviant personality types on social media who target and prey on women and children.  Sadly, it has to be something we consider when a connection just feels off for some reason.

Now, men, this is not to say you cannot meet someone and get to know her on social media.  I am just saying be smart and be respectful.  Most women do understand that men are visual creatures, but that does not mean we want to feel like a piece of meat.  If you are interested in someone you connect with online, first make sure your intentions are honorable.  No woman deserves less than that.  Take the time to get to know her on her social media account.  Interact with her honestly and respectfully.  Take the time to learn about her interests, likes and dislikes.  In doing this, you will know if you really do want to know her better, and she will know if she wants to know you.

Allow the relationship to progress naturally.  Don’t force it. Forcing something before it is ready to show up may not allow it to show up at all. And please, above all, do not invade her online space by commenting on every post.  That tends to be creepy and makes you seem like a stalker.   Use good judgment and be smart about your communication.

Social media is NOT a dating site.  While we may find our true love on social media, the approach MUST be different than on a dating site or it is creepy and invasive.  Although I have used gender roles above, I do understand that gender roles can be reversed in these situations, also.  So the application goes both directions.  Since I am female and I write about my experiences, I do write from a female perspective.

DO connect, but be smart in communication and be cautious when meeting. If you choose to meet someone in person you meet on social media, I would consider doing a background check if ANYTHING seems off.  It is better to be cautious and alive than the alternative.  On a side note, I do want to say that most people online are legitimate and their intentions are true.  This article is about the ones who are questionable.

Are You Seeking Love Based on The Love Lies?

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

This past week I had the distinct pleasure of attending a teleconference based on the book The Love Lies by Debrena Jackson Gandy.  I had no idea what to expect since I have attended calls on this subject matter in the past and have come away disappointed in them.  I attended this call because it was part of my friend Lougenia Trailblazer Rucker of Divine Diamond Ministries’ Wisdom Speaks Series.  This time I was pleasantly surprised by the information discussed, as I should have expected from this knockout duo!

Debrena Jackson Gandy started out by talking about being a girl vs. being a woman.  I knew immediately what she was talking about.  Although most of us should know better, we tend to buy into the lies told to us by American culture and the media.  We are programmed from a very young age to see relationships and love a certain way, as fed to us by the media.  The problem is, these are but pipe dreams based little on truth.  We are told we need to find love and we need to be worthy of love.  Society tells us things should flow a certain way – and we buy it hook, line and sinker!  We are reacting to our environment and being girls (immature) instead of acting as mature women who have knowledge and truth.

You see, society teaches girls about relationships from a place of fear and scarcity.  Fear that we need to find someone before it’s too late.  Fear that if we don’t we are somehow not good enough or unlovable.  Fear that we won’t find someone.  Scarcity refers to the term soul mate, which I have previously said I do not believe in.  Soul mate implies there is one – one in a world of billions!! It implies we had better start “looking” because we have a lot of work to do if we are to find that needle in a haystack!  This was exactly my argument for not believing in a soul mate.  There is NOT just one – plain and simple.  Who created this term and who decided there was just one person for each of us in this world of billions of people?  To a logical mind, this does not make any sense.  Yet many people buy into this.

Ms. Jackson Gandy went on to say that relationships are built on love and truth.  Well, yeah, but whose truth? Her answer to that is God’s truth.  Her book The Love Lies is based on truths she found in the Bible.  The truth about how God sees relationships and love, not how we as humans degrade it to be something so much less than what it should be or what we deserve.

The next point that hit home with me was that many women feel incomplete without a man, or are told by society they are incomplete without a man.  I know this one all too well.  I must have been asked hundreds of times in my life when I am going to find a guy and get married.  My answer has always been the same.  I will get married when I find a man worthy of marrying, and that hasn’t happened yet.  The thing is, I do not need a man to complete me, to feel okay with me, or to make me feel like a woman.  Sure, I would love to get married, but ONLY to the right man.  Ms. Jackson Gandy took it even further by saying that women were a gift to man from God.  If this is the case, why do so many women devalue this fact?  We settle, give in to men’s desires, and compromise our own values for men!  Why are we not treating ourselves like the true gift we are?  If we dig deep and really look at how God created us, we would know we are a true gift.  My big take from this part of the discussion is that we should never, ever allow men to not treat us as a gift.  So many of us do.  We need to stop!

Since I have always taken the stance of courtship and respect, I was thrilled to hear someone else agree with my position on these things.  I have been ridiculed many times over my position on relationships and marriage.  That is okay, though, because these are all personal decisions based on what we decide is a real truth.  Compromise should never be an option. Having a relationship that is not what it should be should not be an option either.  I hold my position not to settle or compromise my values just to have a husband.

If you have been “searching” for love and have not “found” it, or you just want to throw your hands up when it comes to relationships, reading The Love Lies may give you a different perspective.  Love starts with YOU.  Give yourself a fresh perspective and start getting rid of all those lies society has told us.  While we all form our own opinions based on our realities, it never hurts to look at another way of thinking.  Decide for yourself.  Get a preview of the book on the next teleconference call on April 16, 2015.  I have included links below for the book, the teleconference, and Divine Diamond Ministries.

Photo Courtesy of Debrena Jackson Gandy, Million Dollar Mentor
Photo Courtesy of Debrena Jackson Gandy, Million Dollar Mentor

Get your copy of The Love Lies: http://www.amazon.com/Debrena-Jackson-Gandy/e/B000APHO9U

Follow Debrena Jackson Gandy on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Debrena-Jackson-Gandy/141807847439

To learn more about Lougenia Trailblazer Rucker and Divine Diamond Ministries, join her community and/or attend the next FREE teleconference on April 16, 2015: http://divinediamondsministries.ning.com/

Join Divine Diamond Ministries on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/243382975782600/

Online Dating Bullies

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

A recent 20/20 episode caught my attention because it was basically about online dating bullies. The report did not call them bullies, although that is exactly what they are.  I have never actually experienced this, but then, I would not give these men a minute of my time anyway.

Apparently, there are men on dating sites that will call women names, demean them and basically bully them if they do not reply fast enough or positively to their comments and messages.  I find this to be a bit ridiculous since I cannot imagine being available for an immediate reply on a regular basis,  I keep communication on these sites so there is a record of it there, to keep my identity private, and so I can reply when it is convenient for me.  I certainly don’t sit on these sites looking to respond immediately to all communication. As a matter of fact, most communications get the delete button.

I see men sitting on these sites for what seems like 24/7.   Do they not have lives?  Do they not have jobs? It really is quite sad.  I, for one, really don’t have the time for guys who can’t think of something intelligent to say to me.  And even if you do, I more than likely will reply in a day or two.  Do people seriously expect immediate responses?  Apparently so.

The 20/20 report was about how men will call women names, bully them, and basically demean them if they don’t reply right away or in a positive way to their online advances.  First off, who are these men who think they should be able to demand immediate attention?  I guarantee you they are not special and not even a catch at all if this is how they act.  Do they really think this behavior is anything that would ever attract someone?  I sure hope not.  Women are people – not objects and possessions. Men have no right to demand anything of a woman he does not know.  And he certainly has no right to verbally abuse her by calling her names, putting her down, or anything else that would be demeaning.  This behavior is not only wrong but it is considered verbal abuse.  It is bullying.

It takes TWO to want to date when meeting online.  Just because you see someone you THINK you would like to meet, does not mean you will.  The other person has the right to not want to meet you.  This should not come with any negativity on the rejected party’s part.  It simply means this person is not for you.  Move on!!

I found this report to be disturbing on several levels.  First, many women tend to be insecure, and this type of behavior can make them doubt themselves even more and destroy their self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Second, this type of behavior tends to be threatening. And third, this is cyber-bullying.  None of these are acceptable.  Online dating sites should be safe places to communicate.  Both parties should feel they are safe there and ALL parties should respect the other people there – just as when people meet in person.

Where did the mean factor come in and why?  Online dating sites are set up to keep your identity private, but you should also be able to communicate on the sites and not feel threatened.  There is no excuse for this bad behavior.  Remember, people are busy.  They reply when they are able to not when you want them to or how you want them to.  There is always a chance someone you are interested in will not be interested in you.  Most importantly, ALWAYS respect others, whether you know them or not.  Online dating can be stressful, but it can also be fun.  Communicating in a positive way will get you farther than being disrespectful, which will get you nowhere.  Putting others down does not build you up.  Being courteous and friendly will make you more attractive to others, no matter what you look like.

Stick to Your Dating Rules!

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

Most of us have our own rules we go by when doing online dating.  I recently broke two of mine on one date, with disastrous results!

The first thing about dating is that we need to know and understand ourselves.  I do.  However, I tend to be open-minded and try hard not to judge people.  I applied these principles and went against my own guidelines I set for myself in online dating.  The two rules I broke are not to date guys with tattoos because I find them slightly revolting and do not understand marrying the body in such a way.  It’s not that I find all tattoos unappealing if they are done tastefully, but I am not a fan of the vast majority of them, so I tend to steer clear of what I find unattractive (as most everyone does).

The second rule I broke was not to date any man who has a photo of himself without a shirt.  Sorry, guys.  While there are a few women who are okay with this, most women I speak to on this subject do NOT want to see shirtless photos on a man’s online dating profile.  I am one of them.  Allow me to explain.  While you may argue that men are shirtless at the beach and it is acceptable, unless I see you at a beach, I do not need to see you without a shirt on.  Most women are online looking for a decent respectable man.  We want to feel you are one.

Okay, so back to my date.  He was not a guy I would typically date.  He had large tattoos across his shoulders and down his arms in his shirtless boating photos.  Okay, so now you may be thinking what is wrong with a shirtless boating photo.  Nothing, if you are sharing it with friends or on Facebook.  However, it is not necessary to post this type of photo on a dating site.  I get that you worked hard to get those abs and are proud of all that hard work, but putting it out there like that can also mean you are shallow – not a positive image to present.  You may be proud of that boat you own – that’s great!  Talk about it in your bio – most of you could use a little more meat in your bio, anyway!

When I arrived on my date, I found my date waiting for me at the bar as he said he would be.  I walked over and introduced myself (I am not shy).  When I sat down he asked how I recognized him.  I said he looked like his photos (thankfully, because sometimes they don’t).  He went on to say he was not sure if I would recognize him and maybe if he took his shirt off he would look more like his pictures.  I politely ignored this statement and kept the conversation going.  He made two more references to taking his shirt off and asked if I wanted to see him without his shirt on – I answered with a firm NO!  Look dude, I just met you and at this point, I don’t even like you, and you are not making a good impression on me!

As the conversation progressed, we started talking about movies and seeing movies in the theater. He then asked me if I ever saw a particular movie.  I stated no.  He said we could watch it, but not in the theater – we could rent it.  Um…really? We just met.  Do you really think I am going anywhere alone with you?? And now you are really creeping me out!!

At this point, I was more than a little annoyed at his antics.  I steered the conversation to expectations.  Explaining to him that my expectations are to find a man who wants to get to know ME – the me I refer to is between my ears.  Me, the human being;  me, the woman;  me, the person – NOT the objectification of an outward shell of who I am.  To this, he argued that I am all wrong in my thinking and there is no man who will want to get to know me and not have sex.  Really?  I beg to differ.  I have met many respectable men over the years.  I certainly did not need this guy, who was more annoying than anything.

So what did I do next?  Well, since I knew what he had in mind and what was NOT going to happen, I did the one thing that was a surefire way to get rid of him – I told him I was a born-again virgin!  I sure did!  Well, I never saw a guy hightail it out of a date so fast.  He actually left me sitting at the bar by myself.  He did pay – but stiffed the bartender of a tip.  This was a first for me – I have NEVER had a guy skip out on a date before.  Hey, but there is always a first.

I had to laugh at the situation.  We always hear of things like this, but when it actually happens, it becomes laughable.  I stayed and chatted with the people around me.  The ladies sitting next to me thought my date and I were on different levels – we were.  The couple sitting on the other side who took his seat were glad they had each other and not dating anymore. The best part?  When I was sitting there chatting with the lovely people around me, I received a message from my date.  The message read, “I thought the date was going well.  You sure know how to ruin it.”   Wow!  Really?  He thought that was a good date?

From the minute I sat down, it was not a good date for me.  In the hour we were there he drank 2 beers and one shot – a little excessive for a first date and in under an hour, I think (he also told me he drank one before he left his house).  I had to field inappropriate remarks the whole conversation and it was clear we had little in common.  But for him, it was a good date?  I cannot imagine.  I am sure he sent that message so he could feel better about himself, and that is okay.  I don’t really put much credence to his message.  He was clearly not for me.

Back to the drawing board – and I will be sticking to my dating rules from now on!  No more exceptions.

Have you ever broken your rules and had something like this happen?  I would love to hear other people’s stories!

In Dating, You Need to Show Up!

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

A few months ago, I met a man at a business meeting.  He seemed really nice and we hit it off right away.  He left early and I thought I would never hear from him again.  However, that was not the case.  He found me on Facebook and we started talking.  A little while later, we went on a date.

He was such a gentleman on our date and we had loads to talk about.  The conversation was easy and there seemed to be a mutual interest.  At the end of the date, he was a perfect gentleman and walked me to my car.  We talked for a few more minutes and parted ways, agreeing we both wanted to see each other again.

Before we went out, he let me know that he had a trip planned to the Bahamas for a few weeks.  So, after our date, he went on vacation.  Lucky him!!  While in the Bahamas, he sent me a beautiful picture of a beach!  Oh, how nice that would be!!  I was surprised to actually hear from him while he was on vacation, and took this as a positive sign.  After all, most men would not take time out of a vacation to think of someone they had one date with!

However, we had not planned a second date, and he still needed to call me when he returned.  When things like this happen and a second date is not or cannot be planned, for whatever reason, beware!  Boy, did I learn that one!

When he returned, he did call me!  I was elated since I am used to online dating and the land of the one-date wonders.  We had a very nice conversation and we planned on a date for the upcoming Sunday.  We did not set an exact time, since I attend church in the morning, but we did discuss what we would do.  He said that he likes to go to movies on Sundays, and would I mind doing that.  Well, no.  I love movies and don’t attend many these days!  I was really looking forward to seeing a movie and getting to know this man better and hearing all about his trip.

So Sunday arrived, and when I got home from church I started working while waiting to hear from him.  Well, that never happened.  He never called.

I had so many things to do that day.  I was invited to three different events, and my grass needed to be mowed.  However, since I had not committed to any of those things yet, I committed myself to another date with him.

I was furious!  How dare he tell me we will be doing something and then not show up or call! It would not have been a big deal, except that I had other things I wanted to do, but did not do them due to our plans to see a movie.  How rude and inconsiderate of him to leave me sitting and waiting to go on a date that never happened.  Unless he or an immediate family member died, there is just no excuse good enough to make up for leaving someone sitting there waiting to go on a date.

Now, you are probably wondering why I did not call him at this point.  Well, I don’t call men, unless I am in a relationship with a man.  I will not run after a man – ever.  From my observations, if a man is not interested in a woman, he will stray.  So there is no point in chasing after them.  Now there does need to be mutual interest, but it really makes no difference how interested the woman is if the man is not interested.  She may get some dates, and he may sleep with her, but she will surely get her heart broken when he moves on to someone he is truly interested in.    I am too old for all this drama and, quite frankly, just don’t have the time for it.  This is why I will never chase after a man.

We are still “friends” on Facebook.  However, there is little this man can do to make this up to me.  There are just very few excuses that would be acceptable at this point.  He has not contacted me since then, which leads me to believe he is either not interested or found someone new.  Either way, it is okay.  But it should have been communicated.  I am a big girl, I can handle this!  Not showing up is unacceptable.   I am a person with feelings and things to do.  Be considerate and call (or even text if you aren’t man enough).  Do something!  Don’t just let someone sit there waiting to go on a date.  That is wrong on so many levels.  In dating, you need to show up!