“Get off your high horse!”
This line was used on me on a dating website a few months ago, so I feel the need to address it. In dating, as in all things in life, we all have expectations and hopes. We all have things we look for, things we want in our lives, and things we know we don’t. The fact of the matter is, we SHOULD have these things. Otherwise, how would we ever know what we want in our lives or what we need to do to get there?
On many dating profiles, I specifically state not to contact me if (I list a few things). The reason I do this is that I don’t want to waste others’ time or my own. There are just some things that are not negotiable, so why not just put them out there? It makes no sense to spend time communicating with someone who has different relationship expectations than yourself. Sure, they COULD change their mind, but why waste time on COULD, when there are people who already KNOW. Quite frankly, at this age, I don’t have the time or patience for COULD. And that’s really my point.
What I find sort of amusing is the fact that someone would waste time contacting me to actually state how they feel, even though they know there is no chance of ever meeting me. Why would they spend their valuable time even doing that? Don’t they have more productive things to spend their time on? And therein lies one of the stark differences between them and me. This is who someone is at the core, and this difference makes ALL the difference in relationships.
So what was written to me? Well, a man thought it appropriate to write to me to tell me that maybe I belong on one of those elite dating sites. He went on to say that I need to get off my high horse (among other things). Now normally, I would not respond to someone who was clearly wasting my time, but I felt inclined to respond to let him know a few key things. First, maybe he is right. Maybe I do belong on an elite dating site. Is he volunteering to pay for one?
Second, I pointed out to him how silly it was for him to be so upset by the standards I hold for myself and my life. The reason he was so upset was that it clearly counted him out. What I found interesting was the fact that this upset him. He did not know me, so why would it even matter? If I hold expectations for my life and my future husband that differ from his, it is a clear indication that we are not meant for each other. Why not just move on? After all, dating sites are like candy stores for many men. It just does not make sense to want someone who is not for you when there are hundreds (or even thousands) more who could be for you. It is a time waste and inefficient use of the tools available for actually finding the right person.
The third thing I pointed out to him was that the only reason he was upset is that he was not included in the type of man I would want. One thing I always find annoying in dating is that men see a woman and think they want her, but take no time in determining if they really do want her, the real person. Many men base this decision on looks without considering who she really is – and this is my whole point in putting my expectations out there. After spending many of my younger years with men who thought they wanted to be with me, only to find out they really only wanted the arm candy and not the real me, I am focusing only on the real me. Men will still contact me based on looks alone, but if they go on to actually read my profile, they will know I will not respond to any comments on looks. This man actually did read my profile, but didn’t like what he read because it counted him out – but at least he did the due diligence of reading it! Kudos to him for that!
The last thing I pointed out to him was that just the fact that he contacted me to basically tell me off when he did not even know me, is enough for me to know that he was not the kind of man I was looking for. My main point to him was really that if he would put that much effort into the right woman, he will find the right one and the bitterness that was clear in his contact with me would disappear. As in all things in life, we need to put our efforts into what makes sense, not what does not.
My high horse will stand on its four long legs. Everyone has standards, including me. I have seen many unhappy marriages because people have compromised their standards just to have someone in their life. While we all do essentially want that love and connection, we should not have to compromise ourselves to have it. I will ride my horse into the sunset of life. My hopes and dreams will live on. Dreams do not die if you keep them alive!
Dating After 40 