While we should have many things we will compromise on, there are also many things that we do not want to, or should not compromise on. These things are the core of who we are as individuals. These items are non-negotiable, we must have them in our Mr. Maybe. These items range anywhere from core value items to lifestyle items. While everyone will have a different set of items, it is important to understand exactly what yours are, which is why I say you must start with you before you bring another into the picture.
Today, our society is very diverse and we should accept everyone for who they are. However, that doesn’t mean everyone is a good match as a significant other. There are some very fundamental differences that could cause serious issues in relationships, and could cause a lot of pain and heartache if not properly thought out and looked at totally honestly. We may think some things are not a problem if we meet someone who we really connect with, only to find out later this very thing is a major source of conflict in the relationship.
To give you an example, I will briefly touch on one that has come up several times in my own life: Religion. While I am very open-minded, accept and respect all people for what they believe, my Mr. Maybe MUST believe in God, have a relationship with God and attend church. Since I tend to love all people and accept others as they are, it took me many years to come to this realization. I have dealt with a lot of heartache because I didn’t honestly look into myself, and tried to fit other people’s belief systems into my life without realizing just how important this was to me. I spent 10 years of my life trying to make 2 separate relationships work, without realizing they could never work for me. Had I spent time with myself, as I suggest here, I would have realized just how much this means to me. While this is only one example of what a non-negotiable could be, it does demonstrate how much time could potentially be spent on a relationship that is going nowhere. Those are 10 years of my life I will never get back!
Many people with children will have a different set of non-negotiables because there are other people they must think about – their children! When children are present in a relationship, it is particularly important to consider core values, how you want your children raised and what environment you want them living in. This is tough! You not only have you, but you have precious young impressionable lives you need to consider, also.
Another area to consider is lifestyle. Are you active? How active are you? Is it important for your Mr. Maybe to be active, too? For instance, if you like to participate in activities such as hiking or other outdoor activities and you would like your partner to enjoy them with you, you would not want to consider someone who does not enjoy these activities. While there are times you may want to do things with friends and apart from each other, if this is a big part of your life, it is also a big part of your life your Mr. Maybe would not be enjoying with you. Only you can decide how important these things are to you. Your friends may tell you to compromise if you are not finding the right partner. However, only YOU can decide if compromising a non-negotiable will make you unhappy and unsatisfied with your relationship. If it will, then follow what only you can decide for yourself.
The goal for most is to find the right person and to be happy. This is not something to take lightly. Your life and future are at stake. Take the time to make it the one you dream of having, not the one someone else thinks you should have. Most of all, enjoy the road you travel to find Mr. Maybe. Just because he may not be for you does not mean he is not a very special person. Always acknowledge that in the men you meet. There really are a lot of good ones out there, they just may not be the right one for you. Keep looking, he is sure to arrive on your doorstep when you least expect it!
- Negotiables vs. Non-Negotiables (lisabalthaser.com)
- Negotiables & What We Will Compromise On (lisabalthaser.com)
- “I Married Beneath Me” (psychologytoday.com)
5 thoughts on “Non-Negotiables: Our Must-Haves”
I think your blog is well thought out Lisa. You definitely have the makings of a writer. I wish you well on your endeavors.
Thank you! I appreciate the support. These things always have their challenges! I just keep writing! 🙂
Interesting conclusion but as you said some folks hold differents things as non- nego & nego
Yes. My views are sometimes quite different than some of my friends. We are all different, and I acknowledge that. What is right for me may not be right for someone else. We need to search within ourselves for the answers.
5 non-negotiables max. I agree.
I have a friend who’s 50 who met someone on-line in December. She messaged him initially, which works really well even if you don’t look, in her words, “like Angela Jolie”. She almost didn’t send that first message because he’s an occasional smoker, but she took a broader view. They’re shopping for engagement rings now. Be flexible is her main advice to daters over 40.