Listen closely to your date. Trying to decode what a man is looking for in a woman could be like decoding a foreign language. Are you missing subtle signs? Did you shut out certain information because you did not want to hear it? I question myself on this very thing.
On a date this past week, I was pleasantly surprised when I met my date. I do not find many men my age and older to be very attractive. It is like they gave up and let themselves go, and yet they tend to think they have the right to demand a women look a certain way. I prefer teeth, hair, some intelligence, and well-groomed (not necessarily dressed up, but decently presentable).
This man pulled up to the restaurant and got out of his car and to my surprise, was actually more handsome than his online profile picture. Finally, a man I could find attractive AND intelligent! It is so rare that I find a guy my age or older attractive. I must also note here that he is seven years older than me and I usually do not date more than 2 years older than myself for this very reason.
We went into the restaurant and had a nice dinner and what I thought was a great conversation. We seemed to hit it off and had a lot to talk about. The conversation was very pleasant as we exchanged information about our lives. This man pretty much fit everything I was looking for in a guy. However, we were talking about things we wanted in a partner and I did mention finding someone who believes in God is important to me. He seemed a little taken aback by my church denomination when he asked me. This actually surprised me. As he could clearly see, I am a fun-loving female, just as any other. As my friends can attest to, I am just as “normal” – well, really what is normal, anyway – as any other person out there. In most previous relationships, I have been told I am really fun to hang out with. Simply put, I enjoy life!
Dinner ended and, at his suggestion, we went to a different restaurant for dessert. The conversation was easy and continued through dessert. In my mind, we hit if off well. In my line of thinking, if he did not like me he would never have asked me to dessert at a different restaurant. After dessert, he was the perfect gentleman and walked me to my car, which was about a block farther than his from where we were. Over the course of the evening, we had somehow exchanged business cards (I know, business cards!). As we parted, everything seemed like it was on great terms. In parting, I never ask a man if he will call me or if we will see each other because many tend to lie about that, anyway. I drove home pleasantly surprised by this wonderful man I had just met.
When I got home, I was super busy for a few days and did not have time to get back to him. However, by the second evening, my life calmed down and I had the chance to log back onto the dating site. I wanted to make sure to thank him again for the wonderful evening and make sure he knew I was interested in knowing him better. As I went online into the email feature to send him an email, I was not given the option to do that. Now my computer does weird things from time to time, so I played around with the site for a little while, to no avail. I found his profile in my list of people I am not interested in, and I never put it there. How could that happen? I was definitely interested. I also could not remove it from that category, so was totally baffled at how he got into that category when I did not place him there.
As it turns out he must have placed me there on his profile, which automatically put him there on mine, and does not allow me to remove it or communicate with him anymore. Wow. Sheer disappointment flooded over me. I have not met a man I was this interested in for years – yes, YEARS! Now this. So apparently there was something about me that did not coincide with what he was looking for. While this is all fine, the way it was handled is not okay. It is rude, inconsiderate, and carried out with a total lack of respect for me.
While a man not being interested is always a potential outcome, I expect the same respect I would give to him if I was not interested in him, and that is communication. If I am not interested in a guy after a date, I will let him know that I do not think we are good for each other. I may or may not give a reason, depending on whether or not he asks. However, acknowledging the individual and communicating the fact that he/she is not interested is the very least decency one could offer in this situation. While I realize some people are not comfortable with this, he could have at least sent me an email explaining this. Instead, I actually had to find out by the help center at the dating web site. It was rude and inconsiderate of me as a fellow human being. It is like saying I was not a real human to him, with thoughts and feelings. It is cold and disrespectful.
I realize we are in the age of online dating, but we all need to realize that these people are real people. They deserve respect, just as you want respect. My point here is that if you are not interested in someone you dated, let them know, either in person or in an email. The very least they deserve is the respect of a follow-up on the date. While I would rather hear this at the end of the date, I know many would be uncomfortable with that. It is okay to communicate this via email, but the key is to actually communicate!
Being respected and respectful of those you meet is a basic human interaction that is so often lost on our society today. I would love to hear how you handle these situations and what your reaction is to others in these situations. Comments are welcome!