While I am on the subject of online dating, I want to address a few things. First, maneuvering through these online sites, can be frustrating, disappointing, and cause one to lose your faith in the opposite sex. Sometimes people place their own expectations on others and when others do not respond in the way they think they should, they make assumptions about them that could be very far from the truth.
For instance, I was recently contacted by a man I had been communicating with awhile back. Apparently, both of our lives got busy and we stopped communicating. He recently sent me a message asking how I have been, which I answered honestly saying that I have been extremely busy and have not been on the site much. The response I got actually shocked me, since all I was doing was giving an honest answer to his question. What I got back bordered on intimidation and verbal abuse – especially since this man doesn’t know me. I was called a “broad” (who even uses that word these days?) and told that he thinks that is a problem and he is sure that is why I am single (and then he used some other derogatory language). Pardon me for being honest!
What I have found on these sites is that men think you should be at their beck and call. They are busy and try to “fit” you into their busy schedules. After all, aren’t their jobs what defines them (please excuse the slight bit of sarcasm)? However, the minute we, as women, are busy and have to schedule dates for when we are available, it seems to be a problem. Since I have an extremely busy life, there are many times I have to schedule dates weeks out. It is not that I don’t want to meet them (I DO!), but I keep my calendar full.
Ladies, we all know men will not cancel plans they have to meet you – especially if they met you online and do not know what to expect when they do meet you. Why on earth would we do that for them? I don’t! If I have plans, they will have to work with me on a time that works for BOTH of us. You should not be canceling your plans to meet someone you do not know and may never hear from again – plain and simple. They would not do it for you. What I find extremely annoying is that in our hearts, we know this (and so do they). However, in practice, there are many times when women will cancel their plans to meet a man. How many times has this left you disappointed? What did you miss out on that you had on your calendar with friends? Your friends have been there for you and will be going forward. This man you have never met has no track record with you yet.
So what if you really want to meet a man you have been chatting with online but are too busy to fit him in for a few weeks? I say schedule him when you are free. More than likely, he will try to pressure you into changing some plans to accommodate him and meet sooner – don’t! Here is why- this sets the precedent for the whole relationship! If he can bully you into catering to him now, he will definitely think it is okay to do it going forward. Your time and your life is no less important than his – ever!!! If he is a decent man, he will get this simple concept and work with you on meeting at a time that works for both of you. If he balks at the fact that you are busy or asks you if you are always this busy, he may not be the one for you. You want a man who respects your time as much as he does his own.
I was also recently communicating with another man who asked me since I am so busy, why I would be on a dating site. My reply? I am on a dating site BECAUSE I am busy AND if I wait until a time when I am not busy, I could be dead first! It is true, if you think about it. Today, our lives are so busy we barely have time to come up for air. Who is not busy? While it is absolutely necessary to make time in our lives to develop a relationship, we want to make sure we divvy out that time to the right man – not everyone who demands our attention. Believe me, if I meet the right one, he will have my time and attention. Until then, no man has the right to demand my time (or yours). I get tired of the double standard that still exists where we are expected to cater to their time – what about our time? There are many, many decent men out there who are wonderful, understanding and respectful – these are the ones we want! Not the ones who think we are not as valuable as they think they are. We owe it to ourselves to make sure we ask for the same respect they demand. We want to make sure we find the gems and not the stones. Keep your standards high, but realistic.
- Top 10 Mistakes Guys Make Online Dating (now100fm.cbslocal.com)
- Six tips for dating online (nydailynews.com)
2 thoughts on “The Online Dating Dilemma”
Wow! You get to me with every one of your posts!
I had a few guys email to ask how, considering the various things I stated I am occupied with, HOW I could possibly have time for a man in my life.
In re-checking their profile I saw long lists of interests and activities – much more than what I shared on my own profile. So what’s the deal?
The deal might be just as you stated: they expect the woman to accommodate their needs and their schedule, etc.
My hope is to find someone to MERGE both lives with. Like you, I know it is possible if presented with “Mr. Possibility”. I, for one, desire the merge. I can help make it happen. I still believe that when you find the right one, both will happily adjust and accommodate as needed. Otherwise, move on to the next.
Of course, you stated all that much more effectively.
That is why I enjoy your posts.
Thank you so much Julie. I really appreciate the comments. It is so true. Merging would be good. The right one will be worth the wait!