Tag: Marriage

Negotiables & What We Will Compromise On

Published on by Lisa Balthaser1 Comment

  Today, many people resort to Internet Dating as a means to find people.  Online dating sites offer one way to meet eligible (or at least that is the idea) singles in the age range and geographic area you choose.  Whether we go through the process of meeting our potential Mr. Maybe online, or by other means, a big part of the initial process is determining if he is truly a potential Mr. Maybe.  We already have our list of things we are looking for in a potential mate.  However, this list, whether in our heads or in written form, is not set in stone and we must evaluate each item separately.

Sometimes we think we need things in a partner that are really just wants, and not needs.  What is the most important thing about finding the right one?  Is it happiness?  Is it financial security?  Is it someone to do social activities with?  My point here is that we all have different priorities in our lives regarding the person we want to have in our lives.  Ultimately, we all do want to be happy, so in evaluating what you think you need in a partner, think about if it will make you unhappy if you met the ideal guy and they did not have this thing.  Is it a deal breaker?  Or could you be perfectly happy with him anyway?

An example of this could be you are looking for someone who has a specific type of job, such as white collar over blue collar (or vice versa).  Assuming he is earning at least an okay living, is this really that important if he is everything else you are looking for?  This may be something that is a negotiable item to you.  Were you looking for someone who does not have children at home?  You found the perfect guy, but he has custody of two small children.  Could you love these children and get used to having them in your life, or if this a complete change of lifestyle that you have no desire to make?  If you find someone who is everything you are looking for except for this one thing, you need to take some time with yourself and really understand your true feelings on that matter.  If you could grow to love these children and know in your heart you could handle the commitment of having them in your life and care for them for many years into the future, this item may be negotiable for you, even if it was not ideally what you wanted.

Great men are hard to find.  When we do find them, we do not want to pass over gems because of our own selfishness.  I am not saying  it is not good to want certain things in our man or relationship.  I am simply stating that we need to really evaluate what it is that will bring happiness into our lives.  We need lists as a guideline.  We need initial self evaluation to know ourselves so we know who we are and what makes us happy.  However, sometimes we can place unrealistic expectations on a potential partner, and miss out on the ones who cross our paths due to our “criteria”.  Do we really NEED these things, or is it just something we would like to have but could really live without and be perfectly happy?  Think about this so you do not miss out on your Mr. Maybe!

Negotiables vs. Non-Negotiables

Published on by Lisa Balthaser9 Comments

While I realize that not everyone wants to find a permanent union with another, I am writing from the perspective of wanting to find Mr. Maybe, the one you could potentially marry.  In our quest to find Mr. Maybe, we go through many ups and downs, we mask our disappointment, and bravely trudge on.  We guard our hearts with an iron shield against the craziness out in the world.  We keep our faith in man mainly because we do see happy couples every day and know that there is some possibility of us having this also.  We have friends who have found their Mr. Maybe, or even “the one.”  And yet, where is our Mr. maybe?

As I addressed before, we need to do a self-evaluation before we even consider dating.  This will allow us to date more appropriately.  In part of this self-evaluation, we should look at our negotiables and our non-negotiables.  Before I get into this, first we should have these terms defined.

Negotiable

A negotiable is something that can easily be negotiated or transferred.  It is something that can be easily agreed upon.  In other words, it is something that easily passes our list of things we look for in a significant other.  It could be something we have in common, or at least have very similar views on.

Non-Negotiable

A non-negotiable is something that cannot be changed.  It is rigid in form and could be considered an obstruction.  In relationship terms, this could be something that you are looking for in someone that you absolutely MUST have.  It could also be something that is the core of who a person is and cannot be changed.  Either way, you need to really think about this one.

Going forward, we will consider both negotiables and non-negotiables when evaluating our Mr. Maybe.  Everyone will have a different set of criteria to evaluate.  This is why looking into yourself is the key to really knowing what you want in your Mr. Maybe.  If you have not done this yet, take some time with yourself.  Make a date with yourself, go to a coffee shop, or find a nice quiet spot in your home to sit down and really evaluate who you are, where you are in your life right now and where you see yourself going.  Write down the characteristics you want in the ideal partner you want to travel this road with.  While you may want to see the end result of marriage as a final destination, living life is more about the journey.  Who do you want to take that journey with?  Be realistic and true to who you are, and not who you wish to be.  It is critical that you are honest with yourself in order to get the best results when evaluating all the potential Mr. Maybes who cross your path.  Life is in the journey, and you want to enjoy that journey with the right man!

 

Women Still Want to be Courted

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

  Although many of the so-called rules have changed over the decades, one thing remains the same for women over 40.  They like to be courted!  There is a reason romance novels have stood the test of time and continue to sell very well.  From the time we were very little to the time we were in high school, we have been “programmed” by our families and certain societal influences from movies to basic social norms.

Women over 40, although they have grown into very strong women, still grew up in a time where chivalry and courting were seen as something to desire.  We watched Cinderella and Snow White, and were told our “Prince Charming” was out there somewhere.  While we have come to realize that there really is no such thing as a Prince Charming, we still long to be treated like someone special by the man we adore.  We are very capable of opening our own car door, pulling out our chair, or getting our coat on, but there is something so charming about a man who will extend himself to do these things.  It is almost a sweetness that has been lost on our younger generations.  It touches our hearts like that romance novel we secretly read.  Chivalry is definitely not dead to us.

As we grew up into women, we were taught to make our own money and not rely on a man.  We are definitely capable of that.  However, no matter how strong and capable a woman appears, she many times secretly harbors a longing to be treated like a princess and be courted.  Who does not like to have a man bring her flowers or send her a little note that is unexpected?  We want to feel special, and that is what courting accomplishes.

Many men (and women) are confused by the (so-called) rules.  They try to live by instruction manuals on how many dates for this and how many months for that.  Throw these rules out!  You are playing with your heart and you should be looking at each individual situation for what it is and not by a playbook.  Courtship lets a woman know you want her and only her.  It makes her feel special and appreciated for who she is.  At a time when women wear many hats – they make a decent income and have jobs outside the home, they bear children, they play chauffeur to their children, they take care of the household. etc. – being courted is one way a man can truly show just how much he appreciates the woman in his life.

Will some women not be as appreciative as others?  Surely, you may find some who insist that they do not want this treatment (or need it).  However, let me be clear here, just because a woman may (or may not) want to be courted does not mean she needs it.  Most women today are absolutely independent and can take care of themselves.  The point is that the charm of courtship is still alive and present, and will still be appreciated by the right woman.  We all like to feel special to those most important in our lives, so let’s not throw this part of dating away!

It Starts With You!

Published on by Lisa Balthaser6 Comments

Pointing FingerIf you are like me, when you were younger you dreamed of a time when you would meet the right man and he would sweep you off your feet, and life would be great!  Well, that is the image of life that we are sold when we are young, but the truth is that for the vast majority of us, that is not what actually happens.  Many of us aspire to this, but in our quest for the ideal, many of us do not stop, step back and really evaluate ourselves.

While I am NOT a professional relationship counselor, I have learned some things from my own mistakes and would like to share what I have learned.  I am not saying this applies to every person out there, but I am simply giving my observations and assessment.  Before we can be truly happy in a relationship, we need to know who we really are.  What are our likes and dislikes?  What do we really stand for and what do we want to stand for?  What are the things that make us happy, or make us sad?  If this is not enough, most of us carry some kind of clutter from our childhoods that prevents us from finding and keeping truly satisfying relationships.

I made the unfortunate mistake of getting married very young.  I did not really know who I was, and was certainly in no position to be there for someone else.  Of course, that did not end well, but I learned a lot!  I realized that while my age said I was an adult, my brain did not.  I did not even know who I was when I got married!  As a matter of fact, it took me until I was in my mid 30s to even have a sense of what I stood for, and this still evolves every day!  Now I am not saying that most people take this long.  I seem to have gotten off to a slow start in this area.  However, it is important we know who we are before we decide who we want to be with!

What I found to be super helpful is actually NOT dating!  Spending time with yourself and doing the things that are important to you and enjoying life as you would like to really helps to establish a sense of self that will enable you to find a good partner for you!  If you are always in a relationship, as I was, you never get to figure out YOU!  I was always in a relationship, and doing the give and take that is involved, but never really finding ME!  It is not until I spent several years alone that I got some real clarity of who I am, who I want to be, and the type of man I would want in my life.  This is important because you can find the best guy out there, but if he does not fit into your life as you see it, you are compromising some of you to be in the relationship.  Is there a perfect fit?  Well, by our 40s, we all carry a lot on our plates, so it is safe to say that perfection is probably not reality.  However, if we take a real honest assessment of who we are, we have a much higher chance of finding who we want to be with!  Let’s take that journey!

Let’s have fun with this!

Published on by Lisa Balthaser3 Comments

Blog Main ImageThis blog is for all those who find themselves dating at a time when  they thought they would be settled down and never have to think about this again!  While dating at any age can be challenging and frustrating at times, dating in your 40’s and beyond has unique challenges.  I invite readers to share their thoughts and experiences and get the conversation going!  The main focus of this blog will be finding the right person, not the nuances after a relationship has been established.

Let’s face it, by the time we get to our 40’s we all have some horror stories about dating.  Unfortunately, are we get older, it is harder to meet single people in a natural setting.  With many relying on dating web sites, it is no wonder so many of us are frustrated!  Who has not arrived for a date and not been able to locate the person they are to meet because they look nothing like the picture of the person we thought we were meeting!

Have you already given up on finding Mr. Maybe?  That’s right, I did NOT say Mr. Right.  At this age, I am not sure there is such a thing as Mr. Right, but Mr. Maybe is definitely out there!  I say Mr. Maybe because by our 40’s we have already established lives, careers, habits, and baggage (and yes, we ALL have baggage of some kind).  Even when we find that special someone who seems like the perfect match, our already established lives can get in the middle of a relationship and create all kinds of challenges we would not have had in our earlier dating years.  Let’s have fun with this subject!  After all, isn’t dating in your 40’s sometimes a comedy?  We have to laugh and enjoy our lives, so let’s do it together!