Tag: 40’s

No, I Don’t Want to Kiss You!

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

It is hard enough dating without any additional pressures and stresses.  First dates are even harder.  One of my rules, is that I do NOT want to kiss a complete stranger on a first date!  No way, no how!  I do not know enough about someone I just met to be any form of intimate with them, and that includes kissing.  First off, I do not know his oral hygiene, which is super important.  Second, gum disease is a bacterial infection and can be spread person to person via saliva.  I know this is not sexy, but it is fact, and I think about these things, as should you!

Men, if you just met someone, you should have enough respect for them not to kiss them or touch them inappropriately.  It is just not okay!  Women, you need to have more respect for yourselves and set boundaries to get to know someone on a personal level before you ever think of getting anywhere near physical.  Save all of that for a time when you truly know each other.  Isn’t that the point?    A good man will want to get to know you as a person and respect you enough to do that before he gets physical with you.  Do you really want that guy who wants everything right away?  Imagine how many others he has been with this way?  No, thank you!  I feel I deserve much better than that, and so do you!  I am not saying kissing is bad, I am merely saying to save it for after you know the person a little better.  What is the rush?

  I realize there are people who will totally disagree with me on this subject, and that is okay.  I write from a “lived and learned” perspective and your lessons may have been different than mine.  As I pointed out in my last post, a first date should be all about getting to know the person better, and be very conversation-oriented.  Now, if you do hold a different view, that is fine.  This is just my recommendation to finding Mr. Maybe.  Be physical too soon, and he has nothing to look forward to, so beware if your goal is finding a guy to keep.  Of course, I realize there are always exceptions.

Mr. Maybe is out there!  I would rather wait for him to arrive in my life than go through all the heartache with Mr. Wrong and waste my time.  Take the time to know who you are choosing to be with.  If he is Mr. Maybe, he will still be there.  If he goes away, then he was not the right one anyway.  Ladies, you need to set the boundaries and stick to them!  This, sadly, is up to you.  The right man will respect those boundaries and they will respect you!  You deserve that and nothing less than that!  So save that first kiss for someone special.  Waiting will make it a special and memorable moment for both of you!

A More Active First Date

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Some people prefer a more active date than dinner, brunch, or coffee.  There are plenty of things to do on a first date that are also great for getting to know someone.  The first option is to go to a park, garden, or other recreation area for a stroll.  In this environment, you have the opportunity to talk and get to know each other without having to stare at each other across a table.  If you both like horticulture, go to a garden and enjoy that while getting to know each other.  I will put out a few cautions here, though.  If you do choose something like this and you have never met the person before, make sure you are going to a place that there are other people and you feel safe.  Do not go for a walk on secluded paths, such as hiking, until you know the person you are with. While this should go without saying, sometimes when we communicate online, we feel like we know the person a little – WE DON’T.  Stop for ice cream or a frosty drink on a hot day and enjoy that while chatting.

  If you prefer something a little more active, you could opt for a short bike ride together, or even ice skating at a local rink in the winter.  Anything you both agree is fun, but always make sure you are around other people on a first date.  Shooting pool or Quizzo at the local hang out are some other options you may want to explore, if they are of interest to both of you.

While there are many things to do on a first date that provide ample time to get to know each other, there are also some things I would not recommend.  Steer clear of movies, theater, bars with loud music, sports events, concerts, or any other similar venue.  While you both may enjoy some of these activities, they do not provide ample time to talk and get to know each other – and that is the whole point of a first date.  Save these things for later.  If you do find your Mr. Maybe there will be plenty of time to enjoy these things together in the future.  Right now, on your first date, your goal should be to walk away from the date with a feel for who your date is as a person.

Again, my recommendation would be to keep your activity date short.  You do not want to overwhelm your date by appearing too needy.  Prior to your date, make a list of things you would like to know about your date, and have them in your head as conversation subjects.  Do not blast them off like you are interviewing your date, but get them to flow into the conversation naturally when the time is appropriate.  Make a point to guide to conversation to those areas if you need to, but make sure you get your questions answered.  You want to walk away from your date feeling like you have as accurate an assessment of your date as possible from one date.  Most importantly, don’t forget this is a date!!  Relax and enjoy the date.  The more you smile and laugh, the more attractive you will be!

First Date Dilemma

Published on by Lisa Balthaser1 Comment

First dates are all about getting to know a little more about each other and seeing if there is enough there to take it further.  In our eagerness to find love, sometimes we forget the importance of keeping this initial contact light and brief.  Of course, much will depend on how much communication you have had with each other prior to meeting, also.  The whole idea about this first meeting is not to spend the day together, but to share a brief time together, learn about each other, size each other up, and see how you interact with each other.

 

Coffee, Brunch, Breakfast and Other Early Options

One of my favorite times to meet someone is early in the day.  The reason I like these options so much is that is provides for a more relaxed and stress-free meeting.  If you choose to meet for coffee, the meeting can be as brief as either of you wants it to be.  If you are really unsure, I would stick with a coffee meeting so you do not have to be there long, if you do not want to.  This is also a very inexpensive way to meet, if you are unsure of the person prior to meeting.

Brunch and breakfast are also low-cost options that provide minimal stress for both parties.  These options give you a little more time together to get to know each other.  Because brunch and breakfast are generally served very quickly or are buffet style, you still have a fairly easy out if the date is not working out for you.  I really enjoy the light early day atmosphere of these type of dates.  It provides a great environment for talking without all the potential pressures of a dinner date.  The only down side of this is that many restaurants do brunch only on Sundays, and that means if you attend Sunday religious services, you have very limited options on a Saturday.

If your date goes well, you are both available, and you want to do something else together, this early date provides ample time to spend even more time together.  I will add a caution here, though.  I would not overdo the time together on this initial meeting.  Men tend to feel overwhelmed and may want to pull away if you seem too needy on this first date.  Use good judgment on the amount of time to choose to spend together on the first date.

   Dinner or Drinks

My advice here would be to NOT do just drinks.  First off, it is very hard to have an actual conversation in many of the places where drinks are served.  The whole idea is to get to know each other, and that cannot be accomplished.  The other caution I will mention is that when you meet a complete stranger for drinks, you should always use extreme caution.  Never leave your drink unattended – EVER!  If you must use the restroom, finish your drink and tell your date you do not want another one, even if you do.  You can always order one when you get back.  I also caution on meeting for drinks because it is not wise to drink alcohol with no food on a date where you are trying to evaluate someone to potentially have a relationship with.  I am not saying you should not have a drink, but only to use caution and good judgment.

My choice here would always be a nice dinner – and by nice, I do not mean it has to be expensive.  There are plenty of great date restaurants that offer affordable food, a nice wine selection, and great atmosphere to talk.  These are not your chain restaurants, either.  Choose something cozy, so you can have a nice conversation.  This atmosphere is great for gauging chemistry and attraction to each other.  Relax, enjoy your date and get to know each other!  It is all in the journey, so enjoy the ride!

Frustration Nation

Published on by Lisa Balthaser13 Comments

I had several conversations this week with people about Dating After 40 and online dating and I wanted to address several things that came up in the conversations.  Most of the single people I know have at least dabbled in online dating with varied degrees of success.  This weekend I was speaking with some men on their experiences with online dating. They have many of the same complaints as women do, but take a surprisingly more tolerant view on some issues than I do.  We were discussing how some people lie about their age.  To me, this is a major issue on two levels:

1) I cannot start a relationship with someone who is not honest about something so basic as who they really are.

2) I generally do not date much older than me because I find the men look and act much older than me.

To me, this is wasting my time. The men I spoke with were surprisingly a lot more tolerant, to a point.  They did not place the same emphasis on starting with a lie as I do.  I found this interesting.  While I do not think either view is wrong, I do find it to be something to consider. What are we all looking for out here?  It seems like many of the same people are on the dating sites year after year.  How could they possibly not have found someone who is compatible and who they enjoy spending time with?  This has been an ongoing point of contention with me because I love meeting people and genuinely enjoy the dates I go on.  I love getting to know someone and learning new things and new perspectives on things through the conversations I have.  There are many times that we really want to know more about our dates, but we never hear from them again.  We could have the best date, and the phone never rings.

So why is it so hard to get from online to an actual relationship?  It is something I have thought a lot about.  One point I would like to make is that online dating is kind of like ordering dinner – it depends on what mood we are in.  I am convinced that many view this form of dating as a smorgasbord of choices – and they are either afraid of making the wrong one or they take advantage of the choices and never take the time to know one person.  One thing is for sure – we cannot develop anything lasting from one date.  That is only where it starts.  We need to really take time to get to know someone if we are to be successful in finding a potential life partner.  First dates are kind of like job interviews – people can present themselves a certain way, but it is hard to really know what they are all about from one date.  If you use online dating sites, more than likely you are talking to more than one person – so are men.  From my personal experience, when I have been interested on someone I do not bother going online and/or answering emails from other prospective date.  I focus on the guy I am interested in.  Again, from my experience, the men I have dated continue the conversations they are having because they are afraid of what they may be missing.  To this day, I do not understand what they think they are missing.

So what are we all looking for that we are not finding?  Is it that we are not taking the time to really know people anymore?  Relationships do take time to develop, and it seems like everyone is in so much of a hurry with the demands of their lives that we cannot slow down long enough to develop proper relationships anymore.  Based on my interviews, online dating is frustrating for both men and women.  We all want love in our lives.  We go online with high expectations that maybe, just maybe, that special someone is there.  We leave there frustrated and jaded.  But yet, we all know someone who found their ideal person online, so we do know there is hope and we keep that hope alive in our hearts.  As frustrating as it is, we put ourselves out there and guard our fragile hearts with shields of armor. We may not all find our Mr. Maybe, but even if we don’t we need to enjoy the journey.  There are many great and wonderful men out there, even if they are not the right one for us.  I, for one, genuinely enjoy meeting them and getting to know them.  Sure, there will be the occasional nightmare date (hopefully not too many), but if we look at most of our dates with an open mind, we will know in our hearts that meeting wonderful men along the way is not a bad thing, and they are really the pebbles we leave along our trail to our destiny.  So stop being frustrated!  Enjoy the journey!

Identifying Sources of Conflict

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

By the time we reach our 40’s, most of us are fairly set in our ways.  We have lived full lives and experienced many things, both good and bad.  Dating at this stage in life and beyond can pose some interesting challenges as we try to blend lives together that were very set by themselves.  When I am evaluating a man, I think a lot about lifestyle and personality.  While I am fairly active, work out, like to do outdoor activities, someone who is at the gym every day, is an avid attendee and player of sports, and likes camping may not be the right guy for me.  While there is nothing wrong with having some differences here, each person really needs to evaluate how lifestyle and habits can create conflict, and just how big that conflict could potentially be.  While we cannot avoid some conflict in relationships, if we are honest with ourselves, we can certainly avoid major issues that could destroy a potential future together.  I tend to take a more practical and systematic approach to this than many people, so if you choose to loosen the reigns on this one a little, go with what you feel is right for you.

Some things to consider when thinking about conflict are  ethics, values, and integrity.  This is basically the core of who we are as individuals, and very important when considering a relationship with someone.  For instance, I once had a man lie on his online dating profile about his age – and not by a little, either!  He was 8 years older than he claimed to be and he was already 2 years older than I usually consider date material for me at the age he told me!  I was at the restaurant a full half hour before I realized he had been standing right next to me and looked nothing like the guy I thought I was meeting.  Men (and women), really, if you are intending on meeting someone who you want to potentially have a future with, you cannot start out with a lie before you even meet them!!  And please, please, please look at least somewhat like the picture you post on your online profile.  My philosophy on this is I do not have time to waste on dating someone I would not consider a relationship with, so why waste my time and theirs.  It does not make any sense.   Starting off with a lie cannot lead to anything promising.  Beware if this happens to you and they try to explain it away with well concocted stories.  I would not buy it, and you should not either.   Honesty and integrity are things we all want in a potential partner, and there is just no excuse for blatant lies.

We also need to look at how ethical someone is.  For instance, how do they deal with their bills?  Are they paid on time?  Are they conscientious of making sure that happens?  Do they spend frivolously?  Do they have car insurance (in some cities this is something you may want to consider checking).  If someone is always looking to get over on the system, is that someone you really want in your life? Is it a lifestyle you would consider living?  All of these things are just some examples of some basic core values. There are many others you may want to consider.

 By taking the time to identify potential sources of major conflicts now, you are saving yourself from potential future headaches and heartache.  We only get one life, so why not spend it with the people who are headed in the same direction as you are?  There is no race to find your Mr. Maybe.  It may take some time.  The important thing here is that you do not lower your standards to live a life that compromises who you are and does not make you happy.  Dating after 40 is hard!  We all have some sort of baggage at this point, but there are some really wonderful men out there and they are worth waiting for!  Run through life with a smile on your face and happiness in your heart.  Take the time to weed out the things you know will create conflict.  Live a better and fuller life – even if that means for now you are spending it with your girlfriends!  Mr. Maybe is worth the wait, don’t settle for Mr. Wrong!

Radio Interview

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Radio Interview

I will be interviewed this evening at 7PM EDT on WTER Talk Exchange Radio.  Here is the write-up by the host from Facebook:  

Laini Bianculli writes:
Join me tonight on TALK Exchange RADIO at 7:00 p.m. for the launch of Ready-to-Wear…Are you ready to wear the custom blended version of you?Lisa Balthaser a/k/a Ms. Maybe is my guest and we will be discussing her blog and book titled Dating After 40: How to Weed Out Mr. Wrong to get to Mr. Maybe. Her blog has struck a cord with many as she discusses her experiences and systematically looks at solutions for weeding out Mr. Wrong and getting to the man who could ultimately be Mr. Maybe. Her goal is to help other women who find themselves in the same circumstances, and help them realize they should never give up on the dream of finding Mr. Maybe, if that is really what you want. — with Lisa Balthaser.

Handling the Clutter

Published on by Lisa Balthaser5 Comments

Handling ClutterLet’s be honest.  We are never going to get rid of all of the clutter we carry around.  Life is still going to happen and problems are still going to arise in our lives.  We can only learn to manage the stress and clutter it creates.  Dating after 40 can turn into quite the juggling act.  If it was not so stressful, it would almost be funny.  By the time we reach our 40’s most of us have demanding careers.  On top of this, many have children that demand just as much time and attention.  Being a taxi driver for our kids, cheerleader at games, along with the cook, maid, and many other roles can take its toll on us leaving us feeling physically drained and mentally exhausted.  There is never enough time in a day to get everything done we feel we need to accomplish.  Just the thought of fitting dating and a potential relationship into our busy schedules can be overwhelming.  Do not be mistaken here, a man will not arrive to rescue you, and you should not be searching for that because that will never lead you to the RIGHT man!

Clutter Word Cloud

Since I do not have children, I would be amiss in advising anyone on how to prioritize where children are concerned.  They should always be a priority, which is why I genuinely admire men who put their kids first – they should!  However, with the rest of our busy lives, we need to really evaluate what is important and what is not (it will be different for everyone).  Is dating important right now?  Or is your career in high gear and you need to focus on that?  Sometimes it just is not the right time to date, even if we want to find someone.  In order to attract the right man, we need to be in the right place in our heads.  If we are so busy with everything else in our lives, we may not have what it takes to attract the right man and have a healthy relationship.  Sometimes things in our lives need to be on hold until we can give them the priority in our lives they need in order to be successful at them.  I am only talking about finding a significant other here.  If one is already in a relationship, then the focus needs to be different.

 

So how do we get to the place we need to be to find Mr. Maybe if we are bogged down by life?  One suggestion would be to make lists of things we need to rid ourselves of to rid our minds of the clutter it creates there.  Then we need to get to work and systematically tackle that list.  While it may not happen over night, we eventually get to a place where we have room in our lives, minds and hearts for finding Mr. Maybe.  There is nothing sexy about this approach, but there is also nothing sexy about carrying all the clutter into a brand new relationship that has not even had the chance to root yet!  Rid yourself of as much as you can.  Sure, there will still be some clutter left, but it will be manageable, and you will be open to receiving the relationship you deserve!

Sources of Clutter

Published on by Lisa Balthaser4 Comments

Invisible clutterClutter is a huge problem for many of us, and it gets in the way of having happy, healthy, and fulfilling relationships.  While we try to keep much of it hidden, clutter has a sneaky way of finding its way into our lives and wreaking havoc when we least expect it!  As much as we push it back down, it keeps pushing its way to the surface and makes itself known in conflicts with others in our lives and turmoil within our own minds.  So where is all this clutter coming from?  Well, we create more of it every day we are alive.  It is how we deal with it and what we do with it that is the key to not allowing it to rule our relationships and thought processes.

Couple ArguingPast Relationships

Past relationships are a big source of clutter that prevents us from having good relationships now.  I am sure you are a lot like me in that you were hurt really badly by someone you were in a relationship with.  Did you work through the inner turmoil that it left in your head?  Did you jump right into a new relationship without processing the pain?  If you jumped into a relationship, more than likely there will be some residual effects of the prior relationship.  I once went out on a date with a very nice man who could not stop talking about his ex-wife very negatively.  I am a firm believer in second chances because I realize not everyone is as comfortable as I am on a date, so I gave him a second chance.  On date number two, he did the exact same thing!  If this ever happens to you, run for the hills!!!  This guy seriously needs to get over the anger he feels toward his ex-wife before he steps into a new relationship.  His anger toward his ex will play a part in any relationship he has until he deals with it.  And trust me, you cannot help him!!  This is something he needs to take care of himself.

Another type of relationship clutter is how a previous partner made us feel about ourselves.  I am sure everyone knows at least one women in a relationship with a man who insists she look a certain way.  This creates insecurities for the woman and eventually she may even believe she is not good enough without looking that way.  As women, we all feel insecure about our looks at times.  We do not need help finding fault with our looks!  If you ever start dating someone who comments on your looks and it is not a compliment, go the other way!  If you are happy with you, do not allow anyone to take that away from you!  Each and every one of us deserves to be loved for who we are – not who someone wants us to be!

Women ArguingFriends

We all have friends who seem to have it all.  It seems like life and relationships just flow to them and they never have to work at anything.  More than likely, they have things in their lives we do not see, but we think it is all a bed of roses for them when their reality may be quite different.  This may make some people feel insecure or feel like there is something wrong with them because their lives are not like this.  Don’t believe the hype!  You never know the real story unless you live it.  Do not compare yourself to your friends because we all travel different roads to get to our destinations.  While we mostly do this to ourselves, there are times when our friends can be brutally honest and make us feel very insecure about ourselves.  As women, our friends are very dear to us, but they can also hurt us in ways they many times do not even realize.

Cluttered-Mind-ARTFamily and Our Individual Histories

While most of us have families that are a source of comfort and peace, others may not.  Even in the most ideal family situations there is a family dynamic that can create havoc in our minds and affect our future relationships.  It goes without saying that traumatic childhoods involving abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, violence and a myriad of other things will definitely create mental clutter for the person who has lived through it.  If you have been through trauma as a child, as I have, my suggestion would be to deal with that prior to trying to date.  While I am no expert in this field, I know from personal experience the mental clutter this creates and the problems that arise as an adult seeking a “normal” relationship.  The fact is that even if we seem fine to our peers, many times there is a lot of mental clutter we have that stands in the way of happiness and finding Mr. Maybe.  In fact, many times we end up with Mr. Wrong because of this kind of clutter.  For this reason, as I suggested before, we need to spend time alone and really deal with these issues. Even with good family relationships, people sometimes take on roles in the family that carry over into their dating and love relationships (caregiver, problem solver, etc.).  The result of us not dealing with the clutter is that we end up going in circles and never getting to our destination in dating.  I challenge everyone to look into their own lives and find that clutter that is holding you back from getting to your destination in dating!  We need to get off this wheel!!!

Spinning Your Wheels

How Much Clutter Do You Have?

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

Clutter2What is clutter?  Merriam Webster defines clutter as “a crowded or confused mass or collection.”  So what does that have to do with dating?  A LOT!  While most of us think of clutter as something we have in our home, what we may not realize is that we all carry around mental and emotional clutter – the collection of  life experiences that clogs our brains and prevents us from moving forward with our lives in a healthy way.  Think about it this way – what often happens in the home of someone who has a lot of clutter?  They tend to become complacent and the clutter starts to accumulate.  This can happen in our brains, also, if we are not paying attention.

In verb form, to clutter means “to fill or cover with scattered or disordered things that impede movement or reduce effectiveness.” With this definition, it is easy to see how clutter would prevent us from successfully finding the right person for us.  Our brains can be scattered and disordered, which prevents us from moving forward to the right person.  Did you ever notice that some people date people who are very similar to a previous partner?  The same issues arise in the new relationship as they did in previous relationships.  Well, this is because they are not moving forward and are stuck in their own clutter.  Having a lot of clutter absolutely reduces our effectiveness in finding the right partner because there is no room in our brains to properly process the reality of the other person.  Our brains contain so much chaos, excess, and frustration, and it overwhelms us to come to the right conclusion because we cannot even find room in our heads for all the information we need to make that decision.

Clutter Cloud

So what is all this clutter that is clogging our senses and making us unable to logically find the right person?  Some of it is baggage from our past and emotional baggage we gain throughout our lives and have never dealt with.  Some of it is from our daily lives, which tend to be a lot busier than they were a few decades ago.  We are so busy today with so much on our plates, we rarely take the time to assess all the “stuff” we are carrying around that is preventing us from living our fullest lives.  Some never even give this a thought.

I know when I was younger, I never realized all the emotional baggage I carried from my childhood.  It took me until well into my 30’s to understand it all and where it all came from.  But once we realize that it is there and what form it takes, we need to understand it and recognize exactly how it is manifesting itself into our lives today.  Some of us may need to seek professional help to really get to the core, but if that is not an option, understanding that it is there will at least help some.  I challenge you to assess what your clutter is.  Write it down!  If you are not finding the relationship you want, more than likely you are carrying around some kind of clutter that is preventing you from finding what you need!  It is important that you take time to really be alone and honestly assess the emotional clutter that is preventing you from living a happy life.  You only have things to gain by truly understanding what is blocking you from your dream of a healthy and fulfilling relationship!  Throw as much of the clutter out the door as you can!  There may be some left, but we will explore that. too!

It Starts With You!

Published on by Lisa Balthaser6 Comments

Pointing FingerIf you are like me, when you were younger you dreamed of a time when you would meet the right man and he would sweep you off your feet, and life would be great!  Well, that is the image of life that we are sold when we are young, but the truth is that for the vast majority of us, that is not what actually happens.  Many of us aspire to this, but in our quest for the ideal, many of us do not stop, step back and really evaluate ourselves.

While I am NOT a professional relationship counselor, I have learned some things from my own mistakes and would like to share what I have learned.  I am not saying this applies to every person out there, but I am simply giving my observations and assessment.  Before we can be truly happy in a relationship, we need to know who we really are.  What are our likes and dislikes?  What do we really stand for and what do we want to stand for?  What are the things that make us happy, or make us sad?  If this is not enough, most of us carry some kind of clutter from our childhoods that prevents us from finding and keeping truly satisfying relationships.

I made the unfortunate mistake of getting married very young.  I did not really know who I was, and was certainly in no position to be there for someone else.  Of course, that did not end well, but I learned a lot!  I realized that while my age said I was an adult, my brain did not.  I did not even know who I was when I got married!  As a matter of fact, it took me until I was in my mid 30s to even have a sense of what I stood for, and this still evolves every day!  Now I am not saying that most people take this long.  I seem to have gotten off to a slow start in this area.  However, it is important we know who we are before we decide who we want to be with!

What I found to be super helpful is actually NOT dating!  Spending time with yourself and doing the things that are important to you and enjoying life as you would like to really helps to establish a sense of self that will enable you to find a good partner for you!  If you are always in a relationship, as I was, you never get to figure out YOU!  I was always in a relationship, and doing the give and take that is involved, but never really finding ME!  It is not until I spent several years alone that I got some real clarity of who I am, who I want to be, and the type of man I would want in my life.  This is important because you can find the best guy out there, but if he does not fit into your life as you see it, you are compromising some of you to be in the relationship.  Is there a perfect fit?  Well, by our 40s, we all carry a lot on our plates, so it is safe to say that perfection is probably not reality.  However, if we take a real honest assessment of who we are, we have a much higher chance of finding who we want to be with!  Let’s take that journey!