Category: Relationships

Conversation is Key!

Published on by Lisa Balthaser3 Comments

    You’re all settled in for your date, and that awkward moment arrives.  What do you talk about?  The key to a good conversation is to be prepared and know ahead of time what information you want to get from the conversation.  I take a very systematic approach to this.

If you met online, prior to the date take the time to scrutinize your date’s online profile.  Are there any inconsistencies?  Is there anything that seems off, or maybe too general?  Know what is in their profile inside and out, and be prepared to question them on things and have them expand upon what is written in their profile.  For instance, does he have children?  If so some questions you may want to address are when (or how often) he spends time with them.  How does he spend that time with them?  Is there a formal agreement to this arrangement?  What are the children’s ages?  If you do not have children of your own, remember this will be a huge lifestyle change for you.

What are his hobbies?  Many men (and this absolutely drives me crazy) list every sport out there as hobbies, and nothing else.  Really?  They have no other interests?  I personally would steer clear of these guys, but I know there are many women out there who are interested in sports.  When evaluating what they like to do in thier free time, you need to know what it is you are looking for from a partner in this area.  Are you looking for someone to do things with all the time, or do you already know you will want time apart to seek your own interests?  Take all of this into consideration when evaluating how he spends his free time.  Maybe there are things you would like to learn that he does regularly – this could be an opportunity to do that!

They key here is to ask!  Have a conversation and learn what it is you need to know about him.  Do not make it an interview and blast him with questions, but work these things into normal conversation!  while you are chatting, you will also want to take note of what type of personality he has.  Is he a “take charge” kind of guy who just automatically steps in and takes control of a situation, or is he more laid back?  What is your personality (honestly, and not what you would like it to be)?  Do your personalities work well together?  How about his every level?  Are your energy levels compatible?  These are just some of many, many things you should look for on a first date.

The point is to make sure you do your homework ahead of time and be ready to find out the key information you want to know.  In this age of online dating, you get one shot to make a good impression AND learn about your date.  If you are lucky enough to have a date that did not originate online, you still want to find out as much as you can about him.  If you met through a friend, drill your friend for as much information as you can get.  Keep in mind that when information comes from another person, it may be skewed from the other person’s perspective.  Just take note of what is being said, and ask your date about it later.  If you met out somewhere and do not really know much about him, make a mental note of things you definitely need to know in order to proceed with a relationship, and make sure you find these things out.  Either way, conversation is key on the first date, so make sure you choose the right location.  Most importantly, remember this is not an interview – enjoy the date!  Smile, laugh, and have fun!

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Women Still Want to be Courted

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

  Although many of the so-called rules have changed over the decades, one thing remains the same for women over 40.  They like to be courted!  There is a reason romance novels have stood the test of time and continue to sell very well.  From the time we were very little to the time we were in high school, we have been “programmed” by our families and certain societal influences from movies to basic social norms.

Women over 40, although they have grown into very strong women, still grew up in a time where chivalry and courting were seen as something to desire.  We watched Cinderella and Snow White, and were told our “Prince Charming” was out there somewhere.  While we have come to realize that there really is no such thing as a Prince Charming, we still long to be treated like someone special by the man we adore.  We are very capable of opening our own car door, pulling out our chair, or getting our coat on, but there is something so charming about a man who will extend himself to do these things.  It is almost a sweetness that has been lost on our younger generations.  It touches our hearts like that romance novel we secretly read.  Chivalry is definitely not dead to us.

As we grew up into women, we were taught to make our own money and not rely on a man.  We are definitely capable of that.  However, no matter how strong and capable a woman appears, she many times secretly harbors a longing to be treated like a princess and be courted.  Who does not like to have a man bring her flowers or send her a little note that is unexpected?  We want to feel special, and that is what courting accomplishes.

Many men (and women) are confused by the (so-called) rules.  They try to live by instruction manuals on how many dates for this and how many months for that.  Throw these rules out!  You are playing with your heart and you should be looking at each individual situation for what it is and not by a playbook.  Courtship lets a woman know you want her and only her.  It makes her feel special and appreciated for who she is.  At a time when women wear many hats – they make a decent income and have jobs outside the home, they bear children, they play chauffeur to their children, they take care of the household. etc. – being courted is one way a man can truly show just how much he appreciates the woman in his life.

Will some women not be as appreciative as others?  Surely, you may find some who insist that they do not want this treatment (or need it).  However, let me be clear here, just because a woman may (or may not) want to be courted does not mean she needs it.  Most women today are absolutely independent and can take care of themselves.  The point is that the charm of courtship is still alive and present, and will still be appreciated by the right woman.  We all like to feel special to those most important in our lives, so let’s not throw this part of dating away!

Paying for the First Date

Published on by Lisa Balthaser6 Comments

You have had a great date, great conversation, and then that awkward moment comes when the check arrives.  Who pays?  Do you pull out your wallet, offer some money toward the bill, offer to pay the tip, or offer to pay the whole check?

As women over 40, many of us have our own incomes and are self-sufficient.  However, there still lie some facts that put many women at a financial disadvantage.  Women still only earn 76-78 cents to every dollar a man earns for this age group, depending on which study you read.  That leaves less money for basic necessities in our lives.    Not only this, but women have added medical expenses and extra expense for feminine hygiene products, which are expensive!  Women, also, usually carry the burden of the expense of birth control.  Our dry cleaning costs more, too.  Also, many women  have the financial burden of raising children.  Now, some men will argue that they pay child support, which is a fair argument to consider.  But ask any single woman raising children if the child support covers the cost of raising the children and she will more than likely tell you not even close!  This is not to say that there are not women who earn just as much as the men in their lives or more.  There are plenty of them out there, too.  However, on average, men do earn more.

That being said, should women offer to pay for dinner?  I say absolutely offer.  However, from my personal experience, few men will ever take you up on this for a variety of reasons.  First, many men have a natural tendency (per socialization) to pay, and to “take care of” women.   They are natural providers and protectors.  There are also men out there who are uncomfortable with women having as much money as they do, and paying makes them feel like a man and provider.  Whatever the case, my suggestion is to at least offer (unless this was discussed in advance).  More than likely , he will turn down your offer and pay.  If this is the case, you could offer to cover the tip.  Of course, all of this is only for the first date!

With additional dates, I will usually still offer.  You will probably want to discuss this for future dates because this will set the precedent for the relationship, if one develops.  Consider all future possibilities of your choices.  You, as a woman, do not want to set yourself up for a position of financial disadvantage.

One more point I would like to make on this subject is where you go, dinner or coffee, or something else.  Since most men will pick up the tab for a fist date, whether by habit or societal norms, you may want to consider allowing him to choose what you do on your first date.  This will benefit you in several ways.  First, he will usually choose something in a price point he is comfortable with.  Second, you will learn a lot about him by his choice of where to go.  Sometimes, men will not want the responsibility of choosing a place, and leave it up to you.  Choose something mid-priced with table options that are conducive to having a conversation.  You want to be able to talk to him!

Of course, these are only my views and yours may be different.  Choose what works for you!  Enjoy your dinner date!

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Dinner Does NOT Equal Sex!

Published on by Lisa Balthaser16 Comments

  So you have had a great dinner date and the night is winding down.  There is always that awkward time when you have to decide how to part ways and whether or not you want to see each other again.  Some men (not all, and definitely not the ones we want to keep) take this opportunity to see if they can get you into bed.  My take on this is one of two reasons:

1) They know they will not be seeing you again and they figure they will get what they can out of you (users and players)

2) They just paid for dinner and they think you owe them something.

I have a few things to say on this subject.  Ladies, by the time you reach your 40’s you should have learned this lesson well.  Never, ever give in to the man who wants sex when he first meets you.  This rarely leads to anything good!  You will probably never see him again, leaving you feeling used and upset with yourself.  While he may be a master at making you feel special, you had better believe he is using this same tactic on just about every woman he meets.  You are not special is he does this, but just one in a long list of women he has manipulated.  If you are truly special to a man, he will respect you and never put you in this situation.  He will wait until he knows you and knows he wants a future with you.

On my second point, a great dinner and a great date does not mean you need to take it further.  This is a first date!  Some men feel that if they treat women to dinner, then she owes them some kind of sexual favor in return.  This could not be further from the truth!  If a man takes you to dinner on a first date and pays for the date, it should be because he wants to have a nice evening spending time with you and getting to know you.  Dinner is a perfect opportunity to sit across from each other and have a real conversation that will help you better evaluate the person you are on the date with.  This is beneficial to both of you.

Since many men have provider instincts, they usually will pay – even if you offer to help (and if they do not, think twice about the type of man they are).  Ladies, you owe them nothing and should not ever think you do!  Men, if you think women owe you something for a date, keep reading (my blog) for what women really want when they first start dating someone.  You should both be on this date for one reason only – to find your Mr. or Ms. Maybe.  If your intentions align with your actions, then the date will be productive in meeting your reason for being there in the first place!  The whole idea is to have a fun date while getting to know each other, and nothing more.  There should not be any expectations other than this on a first date by either party.    Sit back and enjoy your time getting to know each other.  Savor the newness and the possibilities!

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No, I Don’t Want to Kiss You!

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

It is hard enough dating without any additional pressures and stresses.  First dates are even harder.  One of my rules, is that I do NOT want to kiss a complete stranger on a first date!  No way, no how!  I do not know enough about someone I just met to be any form of intimate with them, and that includes kissing.  First off, I do not know his oral hygiene, which is super important.  Second, gum disease is a bacterial infection and can be spread person to person via saliva.  I know this is not sexy, but it is fact, and I think about these things, as should you!

Men, if you just met someone, you should have enough respect for them not to kiss them or touch them inappropriately.  It is just not okay!  Women, you need to have more respect for yourselves and set boundaries to get to know someone on a personal level before you ever think of getting anywhere near physical.  Save all of that for a time when you truly know each other.  Isn’t that the point?    A good man will want to get to know you as a person and respect you enough to do that before he gets physical with you.  Do you really want that guy who wants everything right away?  Imagine how many others he has been with this way?  No, thank you!  I feel I deserve much better than that, and so do you!  I am not saying kissing is bad, I am merely saying to save it for after you know the person a little better.  What is the rush?

  I realize there are people who will totally disagree with me on this subject, and that is okay.  I write from a “lived and learned” perspective and your lessons may have been different than mine.  As I pointed out in my last post, a first date should be all about getting to know the person better, and be very conversation-oriented.  Now, if you do hold a different view, that is fine.  This is just my recommendation to finding Mr. Maybe.  Be physical too soon, and he has nothing to look forward to, so beware if your goal is finding a guy to keep.  Of course, I realize there are always exceptions.

Mr. Maybe is out there!  I would rather wait for him to arrive in my life than go through all the heartache with Mr. Wrong and waste my time.  Take the time to know who you are choosing to be with.  If he is Mr. Maybe, he will still be there.  If he goes away, then he was not the right one anyway.  Ladies, you need to set the boundaries and stick to them!  This, sadly, is up to you.  The right man will respect those boundaries and they will respect you!  You deserve that and nothing less than that!  So save that first kiss for someone special.  Waiting will make it a special and memorable moment for both of you!

A More Active First Date

Published on by Lisa BalthaserLeave a comment

Some people prefer a more active date than dinner, brunch, or coffee.  There are plenty of things to do on a first date that are also great for getting to know someone.  The first option is to go to a park, garden, or other recreation area for a stroll.  In this environment, you have the opportunity to talk and get to know each other without having to stare at each other across a table.  If you both like horticulture, go to a garden and enjoy that while getting to know each other.  I will put out a few cautions here, though.  If you do choose something like this and you have never met the person before, make sure you are going to a place that there are other people and you feel safe.  Do not go for a walk on secluded paths, such as hiking, until you know the person you are with. While this should go without saying, sometimes when we communicate online, we feel like we know the person a little – WE DON’T.  Stop for ice cream or a frosty drink on a hot day and enjoy that while chatting.

  If you prefer something a little more active, you could opt for a short bike ride together, or even ice skating at a local rink in the winter.  Anything you both agree is fun, but always make sure you are around other people on a first date.  Shooting pool or Quizzo at the local hang out are some other options you may want to explore, if they are of interest to both of you.

While there are many things to do on a first date that provide ample time to get to know each other, there are also some things I would not recommend.  Steer clear of movies, theater, bars with loud music, sports events, concerts, or any other similar venue.  While you both may enjoy some of these activities, they do not provide ample time to talk and get to know each other – and that is the whole point of a first date.  Save these things for later.  If you do find your Mr. Maybe there will be plenty of time to enjoy these things together in the future.  Right now, on your first date, your goal should be to walk away from the date with a feel for who your date is as a person.

Again, my recommendation would be to keep your activity date short.  You do not want to overwhelm your date by appearing too needy.  Prior to your date, make a list of things you would like to know about your date, and have them in your head as conversation subjects.  Do not blast them off like you are interviewing your date, but get them to flow into the conversation naturally when the time is appropriate.  Make a point to guide to conversation to those areas if you need to, but make sure you get your questions answered.  You want to walk away from your date feeling like you have as accurate an assessment of your date as possible from one date.  Most importantly, don’t forget this is a date!!  Relax and enjoy the date.  The more you smile and laugh, the more attractive you will be!

First Date Dilemma

Published on by Lisa Balthaser1 Comment

First dates are all about getting to know a little more about each other and seeing if there is enough there to take it further.  In our eagerness to find love, sometimes we forget the importance of keeping this initial contact light and brief.  Of course, much will depend on how much communication you have had with each other prior to meeting, also.  The whole idea about this first meeting is not to spend the day together, but to share a brief time together, learn about each other, size each other up, and see how you interact with each other.

 

Coffee, Brunch, Breakfast and Other Early Options

One of my favorite times to meet someone is early in the day.  The reason I like these options so much is that is provides for a more relaxed and stress-free meeting.  If you choose to meet for coffee, the meeting can be as brief as either of you wants it to be.  If you are really unsure, I would stick with a coffee meeting so you do not have to be there long, if you do not want to.  This is also a very inexpensive way to meet, if you are unsure of the person prior to meeting.

Brunch and breakfast are also low-cost options that provide minimal stress for both parties.  These options give you a little more time together to get to know each other.  Because brunch and breakfast are generally served very quickly or are buffet style, you still have a fairly easy out if the date is not working out for you.  I really enjoy the light early day atmosphere of these type of dates.  It provides a great environment for talking without all the potential pressures of a dinner date.  The only down side of this is that many restaurants do brunch only on Sundays, and that means if you attend Sunday religious services, you have very limited options on a Saturday.

If your date goes well, you are both available, and you want to do something else together, this early date provides ample time to spend even more time together.  I will add a caution here, though.  I would not overdo the time together on this initial meeting.  Men tend to feel overwhelmed and may want to pull away if you seem too needy on this first date.  Use good judgment on the amount of time to choose to spend together on the first date.

   Dinner or Drinks

My advice here would be to NOT do just drinks.  First off, it is very hard to have an actual conversation in many of the places where drinks are served.  The whole idea is to get to know each other, and that cannot be accomplished.  The other caution I will mention is that when you meet a complete stranger for drinks, you should always use extreme caution.  Never leave your drink unattended – EVER!  If you must use the restroom, finish your drink and tell your date you do not want another one, even if you do.  You can always order one when you get back.  I also caution on meeting for drinks because it is not wise to drink alcohol with no food on a date where you are trying to evaluate someone to potentially have a relationship with.  I am not saying you should not have a drink, but only to use caution and good judgment.

My choice here would always be a nice dinner – and by nice, I do not mean it has to be expensive.  There are plenty of great date restaurants that offer affordable food, a nice wine selection, and great atmosphere to talk.  These are not your chain restaurants, either.  Choose something cozy, so you can have a nice conversation.  This atmosphere is great for gauging chemistry and attraction to each other.  Relax, enjoy your date and get to know each other!  It is all in the journey, so enjoy the ride!

Identifying Sources of Conflict

Published on by Lisa Balthaser2 Comments

By the time we reach our 40’s, most of us are fairly set in our ways.  We have lived full lives and experienced many things, both good and bad.  Dating at this stage in life and beyond can pose some interesting challenges as we try to blend lives together that were very set by themselves.  When I am evaluating a man, I think a lot about lifestyle and personality.  While I am fairly active, work out, like to do outdoor activities, someone who is at the gym every day, is an avid attendee and player of sports, and likes camping may not be the right guy for me.  While there is nothing wrong with having some differences here, each person really needs to evaluate how lifestyle and habits can create conflict, and just how big that conflict could potentially be.  While we cannot avoid some conflict in relationships, if we are honest with ourselves, we can certainly avoid major issues that could destroy a potential future together.  I tend to take a more practical and systematic approach to this than many people, so if you choose to loosen the reigns on this one a little, go with what you feel is right for you.

Some things to consider when thinking about conflict are  ethics, values, and integrity.  This is basically the core of who we are as individuals, and very important when considering a relationship with someone.  For instance, I once had a man lie on his online dating profile about his age – and not by a little, either!  He was 8 years older than he claimed to be and he was already 2 years older than I usually consider date material for me at the age he told me!  I was at the restaurant a full half hour before I realized he had been standing right next to me and looked nothing like the guy I thought I was meeting.  Men (and women), really, if you are intending on meeting someone who you want to potentially have a future with, you cannot start out with a lie before you even meet them!!  And please, please, please look at least somewhat like the picture you post on your online profile.  My philosophy on this is I do not have time to waste on dating someone I would not consider a relationship with, so why waste my time and theirs.  It does not make any sense.   Starting off with a lie cannot lead to anything promising.  Beware if this happens to you and they try to explain it away with well concocted stories.  I would not buy it, and you should not either.   Honesty and integrity are things we all want in a potential partner, and there is just no excuse for blatant lies.

We also need to look at how ethical someone is.  For instance, how do they deal with their bills?  Are they paid on time?  Are they conscientious of making sure that happens?  Do they spend frivolously?  Do they have car insurance (in some cities this is something you may want to consider checking).  If someone is always looking to get over on the system, is that someone you really want in your life? Is it a lifestyle you would consider living?  All of these things are just some examples of some basic core values. There are many others you may want to consider.

 By taking the time to identify potential sources of major conflicts now, you are saving yourself from potential future headaches and heartache.  We only get one life, so why not spend it with the people who are headed in the same direction as you are?  There is no race to find your Mr. Maybe.  It may take some time.  The important thing here is that you do not lower your standards to live a life that compromises who you are and does not make you happy.  Dating after 40 is hard!  We all have some sort of baggage at this point, but there are some really wonderful men out there and they are worth waiting for!  Run through life with a smile on your face and happiness in your heart.  Take the time to weed out the things you know will create conflict.  Live a better and fuller life – even if that means for now you are spending it with your girlfriends!  Mr. Maybe is worth the wait, don’t settle for Mr. Wrong!

Handling the Clutter

Published on by Lisa Balthaser5 Comments

Handling ClutterLet’s be honest.  We are never going to get rid of all of the clutter we carry around.  Life is still going to happen and problems are still going to arise in our lives.  We can only learn to manage the stress and clutter it creates.  Dating after 40 can turn into quite the juggling act.  If it was not so stressful, it would almost be funny.  By the time we reach our 40’s most of us have demanding careers.  On top of this, many have children that demand just as much time and attention.  Being a taxi driver for our kids, cheerleader at games, along with the cook, maid, and many other roles can take its toll on us leaving us feeling physically drained and mentally exhausted.  There is never enough time in a day to get everything done we feel we need to accomplish.  Just the thought of fitting dating and a potential relationship into our busy schedules can be overwhelming.  Do not be mistaken here, a man will not arrive to rescue you, and you should not be searching for that because that will never lead you to the RIGHT man!

Clutter Word Cloud

Since I do not have children, I would be amiss in advising anyone on how to prioritize where children are concerned.  They should always be a priority, which is why I genuinely admire men who put their kids first – they should!  However, with the rest of our busy lives, we need to really evaluate what is important and what is not (it will be different for everyone).  Is dating important right now?  Or is your career in high gear and you need to focus on that?  Sometimes it just is not the right time to date, even if we want to find someone.  In order to attract the right man, we need to be in the right place in our heads.  If we are so busy with everything else in our lives, we may not have what it takes to attract the right man and have a healthy relationship.  Sometimes things in our lives need to be on hold until we can give them the priority in our lives they need in order to be successful at them.  I am only talking about finding a significant other here.  If one is already in a relationship, then the focus needs to be different.

 

So how do we get to the place we need to be to find Mr. Maybe if we are bogged down by life?  One suggestion would be to make lists of things we need to rid ourselves of to rid our minds of the clutter it creates there.  Then we need to get to work and systematically tackle that list.  While it may not happen over night, we eventually get to a place where we have room in our lives, minds and hearts for finding Mr. Maybe.  There is nothing sexy about this approach, but there is also nothing sexy about carrying all the clutter into a brand new relationship that has not even had the chance to root yet!  Rid yourself of as much as you can.  Sure, there will still be some clutter left, but it will be manageable, and you will be open to receiving the relationship you deserve!

Sources of Clutter

Published on by Lisa Balthaser4 Comments

Invisible clutterClutter is a huge problem for many of us, and it gets in the way of having happy, healthy, and fulfilling relationships.  While we try to keep much of it hidden, clutter has a sneaky way of finding its way into our lives and wreaking havoc when we least expect it!  As much as we push it back down, it keeps pushing its way to the surface and makes itself known in conflicts with others in our lives and turmoil within our own minds.  So where is all this clutter coming from?  Well, we create more of it every day we are alive.  It is how we deal with it and what we do with it that is the key to not allowing it to rule our relationships and thought processes.

Couple ArguingPast Relationships

Past relationships are a big source of clutter that prevents us from having good relationships now.  I am sure you are a lot like me in that you were hurt really badly by someone you were in a relationship with.  Did you work through the inner turmoil that it left in your head?  Did you jump right into a new relationship without processing the pain?  If you jumped into a relationship, more than likely there will be some residual effects of the prior relationship.  I once went out on a date with a very nice man who could not stop talking about his ex-wife very negatively.  I am a firm believer in second chances because I realize not everyone is as comfortable as I am on a date, so I gave him a second chance.  On date number two, he did the exact same thing!  If this ever happens to you, run for the hills!!!  This guy seriously needs to get over the anger he feels toward his ex-wife before he steps into a new relationship.  His anger toward his ex will play a part in any relationship he has until he deals with it.  And trust me, you cannot help him!!  This is something he needs to take care of himself.

Another type of relationship clutter is how a previous partner made us feel about ourselves.  I am sure everyone knows at least one women in a relationship with a man who insists she look a certain way.  This creates insecurities for the woman and eventually she may even believe she is not good enough without looking that way.  As women, we all feel insecure about our looks at times.  We do not need help finding fault with our looks!  If you ever start dating someone who comments on your looks and it is not a compliment, go the other way!  If you are happy with you, do not allow anyone to take that away from you!  Each and every one of us deserves to be loved for who we are – not who someone wants us to be!

Women ArguingFriends

We all have friends who seem to have it all.  It seems like life and relationships just flow to them and they never have to work at anything.  More than likely, they have things in their lives we do not see, but we think it is all a bed of roses for them when their reality may be quite different.  This may make some people feel insecure or feel like there is something wrong with them because their lives are not like this.  Don’t believe the hype!  You never know the real story unless you live it.  Do not compare yourself to your friends because we all travel different roads to get to our destinations.  While we mostly do this to ourselves, there are times when our friends can be brutally honest and make us feel very insecure about ourselves.  As women, our friends are very dear to us, but they can also hurt us in ways they many times do not even realize.

Cluttered-Mind-ARTFamily and Our Individual Histories

While most of us have families that are a source of comfort and peace, others may not.  Even in the most ideal family situations there is a family dynamic that can create havoc in our minds and affect our future relationships.  It goes without saying that traumatic childhoods involving abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, violence and a myriad of other things will definitely create mental clutter for the person who has lived through it.  If you have been through trauma as a child, as I have, my suggestion would be to deal with that prior to trying to date.  While I am no expert in this field, I know from personal experience the mental clutter this creates and the problems that arise as an adult seeking a “normal” relationship.  The fact is that even if we seem fine to our peers, many times there is a lot of mental clutter we have that stands in the way of happiness and finding Mr. Maybe.  In fact, many times we end up with Mr. Wrong because of this kind of clutter.  For this reason, as I suggested before, we need to spend time alone and really deal with these issues. Even with good family relationships, people sometimes take on roles in the family that carry over into their dating and love relationships (caregiver, problem solver, etc.).  The result of us not dealing with the clutter is that we end up going in circles and never getting to our destination in dating.  I challenge everyone to look into their own lives and find that clutter that is holding you back from getting to your destination in dating!  We need to get off this wheel!!!

Spinning Your Wheels